Bleh

Man what a combination. SAD and hardly any food. I feel like shit.
Lol this morning I woke up asking why I do this to myself. Some rational part of my brain kept telling me to just stop. But...I've never really stopped.

When I eat I think about why I shouldn't be eating. When I don't eat I congratulate myself. This is how I've always been. And probably always will be.

In other news however I've really been feeling down and I now realize its because of the depression. Its never been this noticeable before. As soon as it starts to get dark my mood changes and my energy drains. I spend the hours before I go to sleep in a horrible funk that juat makes me want to die. I think things that I know aren't true, but because I feel so horrible those things feel true at the moment. Its.....destructive. But also kind of welcome. It keeps me focused, even if only on the bad things.

Sooo breakfast? Bran cereal and soy milk?

Geeze

Well Im not expecting anyone to still be following this, its been almost a year. A year and about 30 lbs gained.....God I feel like shit.
So In the spirit of feeling like shit. I think Ill get back to journaling. Ive lost my job, I hate my body and I think my boyfriend isn't interested in me anymore. And who could blame him with all this fat hanging around my middle.
I got a good look at what ive gained the other day and.....god it wasn't pretty. It was lumpy and horrible.
I tried barfing up what I ate for lunch and it didn't end well. I don't know if I can get into that apect of this life again....ugh the smell.
I only remember some of the rules. I only have a fraction of the will power but I cant stand the way I look anymore. I can't take the feelings of inadequacy.

I am wretched.