Back On The Horse

Try Harder, try harder.

After moping about yesterday, I realized that I wasn't going to let my body win. I'd been letting it do whatever it wanted for the longest time, and I promised myself I would never let it get that bad again.

So I'm ready for the next couple of months. I'm so inspired by the rest of you who have been here, and have taken your bodies closer and closer to perfection. I will follow by example and not give up or cry just because I can't get what I want right away.

I have something to strive for, I can be better than fat people. I will be slim lines and sleek beauty. I will be stark bones and angles that create the only illusion I love. Perfection.

I guess I should update everyone on my...living status. I'm going to join the Army, or the Navy I'm not sure yet, and I need to loose major pounds, but we already knew that. I also have to finish up my community service before I'm able to sign anything.
My friend V's parents were pretty much appalled by all the shit going on in this house and offered me a place to stay. They're kind of rich. But also they were in the military so they're really letting me stay on the basis that I'd be going into a service. Which I don't mind, I just feel really awkward about living with them....but that's all on me. V keeps calling to reassure me that everything will be cool. So I'm not going to NY this friday girls.....I'm leaving here tomorrow. Hopefully to never return.

Thank you all so much again and again, Id have lost my mind many many times without the support and confident words. All of you are my thinspiration so hang in there with me and one day I'll be like you because I have followed behind you.

Y'all Rock My World
<3

I am F.A.T.

Failing At Life.

It seems like everyone is getting knew scales and finding out the weight they lost is a lie. The same goes for me. I HAVEN'T LOST ANY WEIGHT FOR A MONTH.

Today I weighed in at 198 at the recruiting office. Not 189 like the scale told me this morning. That's a 10lb difference.
WTF am I doing wrong!!!!!!
I eat well......Hmm. That's the problem. I eat. Even if it's veggies. All those times I've slipped. All those times I didn't get out the bad food like I know I should have.

I started out september at 198. I'm ending it at the same. I want to cry. I wan to scream. I want to lay down and die.

WHY CAN'T I BE THIN? WHY CAN'T I BE BEAUTIFUL? WHY WHY WHY?

How can I have failed so much? I'm so depressed about this. I've struggled and it was for nothing. I'm just going to be a big fat blob of shit forever.

I guess my clothes fitting loosely was all in my head. I didn't feel any thinner, an dI should have listened tom y instincts.

What am I going to do?

Now I remember why I feel like I failed

Yesterday started out good. Then I was watching Drop Dead Diva and I got really upset because Its not fair when fat people look beautiful. I feel like I'm ugly and fat, and even when I'm thin, if ever, I'll never bee pretty enough.

So I binged on pumpkin pie. The sad part about that is, the pie tasted like crap..wasn't even worth it.
Purge the pie she said. So I did.
Then went out and ate pizza at a pizza buffet. 4 slices, small pieces, but still 4! Cheesy bread cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers. Water all night. A tiny brownie, 1/4 of a cinnamon bun.

FAIL

Came home, and chilled...felt hungry and resisted. That is...I resisted until 1am. Then I proceeded to stuff my face with peanut butter and crackers.

Nothing to eat today until 2pm. Stuffed myself with half of a vegi-bowl. Which had guac on it. FAT FAT FAT.
More crackers and pb.
WATER WATER WATER.

I've got a small head cold, and it's pissing me off. I don't want to eat for teh rest of the day. I've been really enjoying the rumble of my stomach, and the pain. For some reason though I keep putting things into my mouth.
Tomorrow I go to the recruiting office. I would be the saddest thing if even the military didn't want me.

Last night I had another break down to the internetz boy. I tend to be quite alright with the idea of killing myself. It doesn't bother me, in fact it seems fated to be. But he says no. The world is full of madness, and some times he's the anchor that holds my pieces together, some times he's the chain tangled around my ankle, dragging me into the sea.
I want to spend a lot of time with him, but maybe you guys can understand the fear of relying on someone too much. You never know if they're going to be around in the end, and I'm not one to put myself out there like that. I just want him to understand that he's really close to me, but I'll never let him know everything. I think it's fear of rejection even though he tells me nothing could change his opinion of me. Maybe its embarrassment, he doesn't know what I'm dealing with concerning my mom.
Mostly its because I'm a fatty. I want to be perfect. I want to be thin and toned and beautiful, and as ethereal as a willow tree.
I don't want him to build up an image in his head, of who I am and then I'm a big disappointment. He loves my brain, I want him to love my body too. Because I can't.

Anyway, starting to feel more icky than usual. Going to drink more tea....uuuggghhh

Didn't shed a tear.

Yesterday I got a reprieve. My best friend V came and we rode around the city with our friend J. They gave me a crazy beverage called Drank(110cals per serv) and it was pretty damn good. Also smoked a little, which was nice.

Those two really care about me, they're like you guys. My extended non-related family. They basically gave me some really tough love last night about my idea to go to NY. I don't want to die...or be pimped out. Was I really stupid for thinking it could work out? With 24$ in my pocket. It seems so dumb now. They were really angry at me, more at my mom though. Supposedly I could have asked the court for a mental evaluation on my mother before she took me to court. that would have been hilarious.

So we're back to the military. I don't have a problem with the idea, I just felt like I had no other options and I was sick of relying on others. I need to prove that I can do life on my own. So I'm going down to the the recruitment office for the navy, supposedly they take fattys. I hope I can get everything squared away before the week is up. I due to be out friday ain't I?

I did get very hungry at about 11 last night but I refused to eat since I had eaten some pad thai earlier. They give you such big portions of that stuff! I ate about half. Also a milky way 270cals.
Got on the scale this morning, and I'm so grateful to actually see a number, the number is my goal for this month. Yay me for loosing 13 lbs!

Now I'm at 190lbs. UGH such a big gross number, but I'm finally loosing weight, which I haven't been able to do for months. I want to be at 150 by christmas. 40lbs? can I do it? Hell yes!

Thank you all so very much for your support and ideas I heart you girls!

Rofl...ironically

Thanks girls for the tips on leg workout, I've done some with Jillian and omg! She's really tough, but I feel good after.

My family is a bunch of assholes. I'm not just saying that to bitch, it's the sad, sad truth.
I leave for NY next friday. I hope I wont be on the streets too long, I'm going to be busting my ass finding a job. Until I do find one I'll be selling my crafts.

I'm kind of looking forward to homelessness, only because I'll loose weight. It seems very wrong in a small part o f my brain that I'm happy about my situation, but these sorts of things demand courage and maybe a little foolishness.

I still doing very well on calories. I haven't eaten past 7pm tonight. Though that is good, I wish I had more energy to take myself to the gym. I'm giving myself a little leeway because of the stress. Haven't been on the scale still, getting a bit ansty about that. Almost all of my clothes feel loose, but not loose enough.
I really really want my breasts to get smaller, sometimes I feel like cutting them off.
Every time I feel hungry I grab my fatty areas and say 'does fatty want to eat?' it works very well as a deterrent.

Doing my best, and thinking thin.

I'll get that far

Three days, and mother nature has freed me. Awesome!

So I haven't been on the scale in three days. Its not because I haven't been eating well. I'm at about 500 a day, usually under that number. I don't want to get on it because I don't trust it. I can see the weight coming off in certain places, but not in the places I want.

Anyone have good workouts for leg toning? My legs are the size of cows.

My savior has been frozen blueberries. I eat them for a snack instead of munching on tortilla chips. Still struggling with late night eating, but last night I had the chance to eat curly fries and I gave 3/4 of them to my sister. That's like 7 fries. They actually weren't that good, and I kept pinching my fat which made me really loose my appetite.

How is everyone doing?

Imbalanced

So I don't think I binged. Snacks=whole wheat crisps. Energy bar. Lots of brown rice and red beans. Water. Frozen blueberries. Toast.

My head has been happy. My stomach hasn't been bloated. My weight hasn't gone up. I still get ravenous during the night though. and my face has decided to get really spotty lately.

Hmm. Well I stood up to my mom and you know what she said? 'Sometimes you guys just don't realize how hard my life is'

I'm not joking. No seriously. She said that.

Nothing really to tell of...my hair is long enough to do something with finally.

Be strong everyone, things are going to get easier. I've found out that with just one person by your side, nothing seems crazy nothing seems impossible and you have the strength to breathe without guilt.

Bollocks

I had 30 days from the 16th to leave my mother's property.

I told her I was leaving on the 2nd of october.

She comes to me today and is like I want you to take a drug test if you want to stay till the 2nd. Some how she thinks I had 10 days from the 16th. I had ten days to appeal the ruling at court. I'm beyond appalled that she thinks she can do this.

First off I'm clean. Secondly she asked my sister to take one saying 'since you guys are hanging out and smoking I want you to take on too' As if somehow my hanging out with my sister is turning her into a raging drug addict. They're my sister's cigs! I have no money you stupid cunt, how the fuck can I buy anything?

It wouldn't be a big deal to me if I were staying the rest of the 30 days, or until the end of the year. But she's saying if I want to stay until the agreed upon date of 10/02 I have to take her test, or leave next friday instead. BALLS ABSOLUTE BALLS.

Good Sparrow

Dinner: Raisins brussel sprouts and brown rice.

All I know is that I had a serving of the sprouts which is 65 cals. Idk about the rice or rasins. I ate slowly and until I got bored. Had a coffe with sugar and cream, a slice of whole grain bread with butter and jam, strawberries and bite of whole wheat bagel with butter. Then munched on chex mix.

Remembering all of that makes me sick. But there's nothing I can do about it now. It can't have been that bad right? Not big quantities just....bad foods. Tomorrow is another day.

Owwwwwiiieee

Ah! There she is. Stupid late natural monthly pain in my OWWWWW.

Ughh. Waking up to cramps is one way to make a girl very cranky.

Good news, the grapes stayed down. So did the turkey sandwich and the buttered toast with jam.

Today I went to help my sister's friend build some set pieces for a play the school is putting on. So yeah, back to high school. I didn't feel so bad cause most of the girls in the drama depot. at this school are not pretty, thin maybe, but awkward. I don't know why I didn't anticipate lunch which was pizza. The bane of my life. So I spent 5 minutes eating one piece then promptly had a panic and purged.
I've only had a twizzler and a pink starburst since.

Got home a weighted myself even though I said I'd stay away from the scale. Couldn't get it to give me a number, but it flashed through so many that I panicked again and instead of eating I took a nap.

And now you're all caught up.

Haven't talked to internetz boy in two days. Mostly because I can't stay up as late as I usually do, and also because he's 3 hours behind in Maple Syrup land. Then I get offline messages that say 'god I wish you were here' and its like wtf do I say to that, and I have to punch my stupid heart for getting excited. I'm so afraid I'm using this kid so salve my own grievances with abandonment and not getting enough hugs when I was little. But shatter that theory to pieces and the reality is that I care for him. Not love him, I can't handle that. I feel happy when I talk to him. I feel normal because he understand me easily. I also really want to jump his bones. Sometimes I'll be walking along and see something and all of a sudden I'm thinking about living with him, what it would be like. Its just a fantasy, but a scary one that I'd rather not be having.
I want us to stay as we are without any complications, but it's going to get complicated. It's going to be a disaster.

Well those are my thought patterns for the night. I am reading ladies but I know you don't need a comment on every post. If you're reading I hope you're enjoying. No comments needed but I orgasm a little every time I get one :]

Different Strokes

Cereal: purge
Ice cream: purge
Tuna sandwich: purge

Gym: burned 305 cals + weights.

Sitting here eating grapes wondering if I'm going to make myself purge those too. In all I had a really good day. Got lots of laundry done cleaned the living room and kitchen again. It looks like shit, again. so I'll be cleaning that up tomorrow, again.

Had a thought in the shower.

Emotions are ridiculous and untrustworthy. One never knows what emotions are manipulated by. Feelings are absolute and different from emotion. Feelings are what to go by. I can say I'm in love. But that I never ever believe. I love my cats, I love cartoons, I love fashion.

If I feel love then it is something strong and consuming. I feel love when I stare up at the night sky. I feel love when I hear music. That is what I trust because it is constant and absolute.

Be strong girls, I'm here you're here, and tomorrow is another day.

Add on: I just heard my mother barfing and thought: good she needs to loose some weight.
Is that wrong?

The Lies?

Can you trick a scale? Make it say you're 6lbs lighter?

I got on the scale this morning and I had to step on and off 4 times. I think it's broken at this point, but not knowing for sure makes me sick. I only got one number out of those four times, that number was my goal for this month, but now I'm freaking out.

I want to weight myself again. I don't want to see the number. What if I really have lost that weight? What if I'm 10 thousand pounds heavier from the pizza last night? Its enough to make me binge....and there's ice cream in the house.

I'm pulling out my hair here!

But I also woke up hungry, and I'm still hungry. Go me!!!

And then

I ate three more *hangs head in shame*

The gym tomorrow, I promise Ana

Stop at two

Two pieces of pizza, both thin crust, one with all the toppings picked off. I have no idea how many cals that is.

The best and worst thinspiration: going back to high school. Every girl there looked so good, it made me feel like a fat ugly skank. I wish I looked so fresh and young. Is it sad that being 20 makes me feel old?

When I actually went to school I didn't care how people thought of me, I don't regret that, but I wish I had cared more about how I looked. I wish I had thought about being thinner, working harder. Now I'm stuck at gross fatty. *sigh*

The weight isn't coming off fast enough. I know it's partly because I haven't been back to the gym, and also its retaining water from pms. I've been good with my food, except today, so wtf.

Ugh I need to go out drinking and dancing. Why does no one in this town have any weed? Or acid....

Not soggy

Today I've had 135 calories. I had no idea I could eat cucumbers without guilt(5 cals per 6 slices). Plus the low fat asian dressing is 70 cals per 2 tbs, then a half serving of baked tortilla chips, 60 cals.

I had a nibble of the healthiest muffin you could imagine, but I threw the rest away because I didn't want to spoil my good day so far.

I don't feel hungry, which is such an improvement from last week when I couldn't stop eating. Still no monthly, maybe it will pass me by this time?

Willpower and beauty to you all. Btw I'm still a fat cow but I look good in this shirt. KAPOW. Take that fatty!

Well....today

So court wasn't bad. I thought I was going to cry or feel queasy, but I was good. The internetz boy helped me a lot last night. I was feeling extremely suicidal, and he talked me down.

The judge asked me if I agreed that my mom should evict me, and for some reason I said yes. But I only regretted it for 20 mins after. I could have told the judge about the fucked up things that go on. About how I'm the least of my mother's worries considering my brother steals her car keys about three times a month. But....I just don't care anymore. I would have left if I could, left my mom's. Now I have no choice once she gets the papers.

I also realized today, that you can't love someone who doesn't want your love.

So when we left my mom was playing at 'poor me' sniffling and sighing and rubbing her head. I just kept my focus out the window.
I've been ready to go, and I feel like I can do it. I believe it, and I think that's the first step. I can't fail if I don't want to.

I got on the scale and I'm horrified that I'm waffling between two numbers. Though I did eat some mac and cheese last night, there's no way I should have gained a pound again. I really can't trust the scale. I drank some more salt water, ITS AWFUL. So terrible. I want to throw up with the memory of how bad it was. But I get panicky thinking about the food in my body.

I feel icky though.....maybe I'm getting sick? I think so, my screen just suddenly turned pink.

Be strong ladies. I know its hard right now, but it will get better, and you will get stronger thinner prettier. Day by day. Thanks everyone for the support and comments, You guys are my family and I <3 you all.

Tosser

I have tolerance for physical pain.

But mental? NO thank you. Which is awkward because I've delt with this sort of abuse for years....a decade come December.
My monthly hasn't shown up yet, and I think its making me pay by trying to turn me mad.

Today I ate 320 calories.
Yesterday I made a banana last for 10 minutes.

What happened to the all liquid fast, you say? I'm a failure that's all I can come up with. I haven't been to the gym. I've literally slept all day.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
And its not just me. Everyone seems in a terrible slump. Do you think it's the weather? The changing of the season? Fall was my most favourite season. I don't feel as if I'm enjoying it at all.

We are people who are, not really, so bad. We have dreams, expectations. We love, laugh and cry. But I wonder something.
People say bad things happen to bad people. Well what does society do when bad things happen to go people. They lock them up obviously. Put them away in hospitals, yell at them, force them. I already hate myself, why do I need the whole world to do it as well?

I'm outside sitting on a balcony. Wondering why I haven't jumped. Thinking, well it's to close to the ground for me to properly kill myself. I'm not even going to try.
I would much rather talk about how strong I've been, or the fun I've had. But then I would be lying.

You know what? I need something more substantial that hope. Less illusive, and a much better listener. I crave something deeper than words, stronger than hate, more profound than confidence. I need no where near normal, far flung and cosmic. I don't need lights and sound and action if they're going to pollute my heart.

Thrill seeker

I had a few spoons of soup in all, maybe a half cup. A serving is a whole cup, but I watered it down before I ate it.

And I was fine, until it started getting dark. It seems night just triggers my hunger. I'm upstairs now so that I don't eat. When I was downstairs near the kitchen I kept going in and opening the fridge and the pantry, the cupboards. There's not much but I could hear the voice: 'just a little of this, just a handful of cereal, one boiled egg can't hurt'. I feel better for resisting, I don't need the ordeal of guilt that comes with eating, not today. I'm better than that.

Yay for strength, I pass it around to all of you.

Feeling sleepy.

Stronger than yesterday, stronger tomorrow.
Thin is in ladies!

Well...

Today is going much better. Last night I ate, and ate and ate because I decided I needed to get the taste of food out of my way.
Today I couldn't go to the gym because I don't want to find myself too far away from my toilet since I seemed to have unknowingly given myself a clean out.
Be warned: drinking a pint of salt water is every much like an enema or colonic.

No solids today and up until now its all been water and lime water with molasses. Right now im drinking 80 cal soup. The fam is planning on steak and guac.

I can't seem to get clean enough. Not my surroundings, or my body. I've become obsessed. It gives me something to do, though instead of wondering about food.

I felt a few pulls towards the forbidden zone but I've been strong and I've been chewing gum. Also I don't want to sleep anywhere but in the closet. Maybe I'm getting dementia.....

Oh....toilet, sorry

Still not good enough

The joke's on me.

I'm in an emotional state. If I cry, please forgive me.

I'm a fat horrible cow chaining people to my simple threats and idiocy. Inaction, desperation, depression, and lies.
I hate lying. I have paranoia. I have to choke on every emotion and make sure I don't let it slip. Because it will dribble out thick and revealing like blood.

I hate when people do things for me. I'll never be free because I'm weak, and terrible and cowardly.

I'm in pain

F and U

I finally found a new site that's going to keep me strong. There's a Mary-Kate challenge that I want to do.

Some people get put off by the image of very thin women. 60 lbs and lower. But I just wish I was in their shoes.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Test: how long can I stay at the gym?
Aim: 3 hours

Life is about fail.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

I really really can't stop. Since I wrote about going to the gym, I haven't been back until yesterday. I stayed for a pathetic 20 minutes because I couldn't bear working out while a guy was there. I got in one lap! ONE! And weight lifting but still! ARGH

Intake: 2 trillion calories(pizza, pizza, pizza, rice, turkey, fat fat fat, eggs, butter, biscuits fat fat fat)

On my way home I looked down and saw how much my thighs jiggle. I wanted to cry. I felt so very very awful. I covered my legs with my jacket and walked the rest of the way slowly.

My mother has high blood pressure. She gave herself a concussion. She's an idiot. Since she found out she had high blood pressure shes: gone to Mcdonald's twice, eaten fried chicken, and made FRIED corn for breakfast. With the fried corn she had cabbage rice and beans and sausage. I almost puked.

So me being the fat ass I am, I tried some of the corn. I want to throw up. I CAN'T STOP EATING.
The monthly mistress is on her way, and I know that is the cause of this. Even after I eat until I'm full, I still want something else 10 minutes later.

WHY?

Bread, sugar, WHITE FLOUR, rice are the devil.

I have resisted those things for so long. But I've eaten so much toast. A loaf and a half it feels like. Tea with sugar. Pasta Pasta Pasta. GOD

Stuffstuffstuffstufffstuff My face.

Through the midst of this I've been taking laxies like candy, because I can't shake the paranoia. The scale wont read right, which is okay because I'm to afraid to get on it anyway. Bloated, Bloated, Bloated.

Depressed.

Next week is no solids. I can't do this anymore. The only things to eat here are meat and bread and pasta. I'm not giving in and I still need to loose 7 pounds. 7 in two weeks.
Ugh I'm stressed beyond relief.

I've got to go to court AGAIN because of the eviction thing. I just want to barf all over the place. I want to sit in a corner and cry and cry and cry.

I wish, so BADLY, that I were someone better. Someone prettier. Someone without a fucked up family.
I have someone who thinks he loves me, and all I can tell myself is 'don't fall for him' because it will end up so horribly. I just know he'll hate me. He's in love with the image of me, my brains, my concepts, my humor and love of gore.
He's never seen my picture. I've seen his and he's soooo gorgeous. I feel like a fat pig. A giggling fat pig.
I'm horrified by the thought of him seeing me.

I'm such a bad human.

Passion

I know there are days when all you do is sit around, and from the fridge comes the call. FOOOOOD EAAAT.

Well I say nay because I keep myself busy. How do I do such a thing you ask? Friends, I craft.

I specialize in fiber craft, knitting and crocheting. Now I know it sounds old fashioned or even boring. But it's not boring, it takes up a lot of time and focus.

Here is an example of the coolness I speak of.

Beth Doherty:


Genius right? So cute. Go check the rest of her Flickr Gallery at Gourmetamigurumi.com

How about Roxiecraft? She's doing a crochet along for this cute ass panda


Over at Creativeyarn.blogspot.com:


Are you a Harry Potter Fanatic like me? Check out this pattern at rosemary.craftborg.com


And if you can't stop thinking about food head over to amilist.blogspot.com for food patterns like this:



So...I just sit around and crochet cute things. Crochet is fast and easy to learn. I learned by watching youtube videos The dolls take about a day per one once you get the hang of it. But you could make killer hats, blankets, cardis, scarves. Whatever you want. Pick a project that will keep your hands busy, and your mind off of that cake in the fridge. Tell your friends that you can't go out to eat with them because you have to finish a hat for someone. Go out to wal-mart and pick up some 2.00$ yarn and a 3.75 size needle. Rip up some old stuffed animals for fiber-fill or cotton. And get started.

Allo

Thank you guys for the comments they lift my spirits and I can laugh. My mother is crazy, non? Ah I remember when I used to make excuses for her, so that it wouldn't be so personal. But that time has past.
I got back on the demon scale and I hadn't lost 7, but I did loose another 2. That's six so far this month. 7 more and I'll meet my goal. This means that I'm finally breaking through my plateau.
The harder I work the better I feel.

I've decided that I don't believe in water weight. When I use laxatives what comes out isn't water. Its all the bad food that I put in my body. So while some of it is water, I think 'water weight' is just something made up by people who want to sell us their diet pills and bars and drinks. I'm sick of companies like that.
Loose weight fast!
You're not loosing fast enough!
Loose weight the healthy way!

You know the healthy way is 2lbs a week? I don't subscribe to that brand of crazy.
I say, leave me alone. I live in a country where I am free to control my body and how I treat it. Of all the lies in this world I have something true and constant. My struggle against food.
Bleh to all the rest.

Anyway people, I enjoy reading all of your blogs, I will leave comments where indicated.
Think Thin!

Tricky tricky

So I just got on the scale again and apparently I've lost 7 pounds in about 8 hours.....FUCKING SCALE.

Things....and such

I just finished soaking my boobs in ice water for ten minutes. I hear it's supposed to keep em perky and round.
Went to the gym with my sister today, the only problem with that is that she's about 70 pounds heavier than me so I only got to stay for about 45 mins which was not a complete workout.

I've had broth and bean sprouts to eat all day plus two little packets of crackers. Broth is 80 cals per serving...and I had about 4.

I am freeezing right now.

Ok so I just want to rant a little bit. My mother is ALWAYS harping on about my weight. Saying things like 'Well I can loose 5lbs in a week, you want to challenge me?' My mom can't loose shit, and I know this because she made me post my weight along side hers for a month after my colonic. She stays between 185 and 188. So then she goes and buy the hollywood 48 hour diet. I laughed sooo hard when I saw it. She was like 'I'm going on a juice diet'. Hilarious.
She didn't even use it as directed. Basically she just drank it like it was regular juice and ate whatever she wanted.
Then she comes home with real veg last night and tells me to ask before I use them because she want to maek sure she gets some and that they are cooked in a way that she can eat them. HOW THE FUCK CAN I COOK VEG IN A WAY YOU CAN'T EAT EM? Cuz they're broiled or grilled and not sauteed in butter? Because I make veggie burgers that even my sister says are good?
Shes twat. She knows I don't eat meat, and frozen veggies are so tasteless that I refuse to eat them. She's such a.....hypocrite. And a lier...such a lier.

I was walking around in a bad mood because I thought I had gained back the weight I had gained. Last night I binged again, though I too some laxies cuz I was too tired to barf. But the scale went down again so I feel much better.
I wan to be able to loose 13lbs by october. I want it so badly. I want to start being thin and not wondering if I will be. You guys and your blogs and comments, thinspo and pro-ED sites keep me going but I think I need more help. Anyone interested in being a txting buddy or just my online buddy? I need someone to compete with I think.

Hungry Hungry Hungry
Must stay hungry!

Mia is back

And I'm glad because today was a binge day.
And also a purge day.
Earlier today I went for a walk and then I came home and:

Had a serving of whole wheat pasta with avocado and tomato
3 salt and vinegar chips
2 almonds
1 brazil nut

Then I decided to have a tofu ice cream sandwich. Half of which I chewed a few times then spit out.

Then later I had a chicken tortilla and celery with peanut butter. Some more chips.
And then I threw it up until my stomach hurt.

When I got dressed this morning I couldn't see past the fat. I felt so depressed and ugly. Every step I took I could feel the fat of my thighs moving and I wanted to cry. I was walking along the sidewalk and a guy was coming the other way and he stepping into the grass instead of walking right past me. I felt like a fat skank who was making the ground shake with every step. So I walked as fast as I could to get to another path and i didn't look at him.

The good side of today is that my pants don't fit....I mean I look frumpy if I wear them, so that makes me feel good. Also with throwing up my second meal I think I'm down to 500cals for the day but I can't be sure.

Over @ Quest For Perfection, Kat is doing the 0-2-4-6-8 diet but I don't think I can do that without blowing everything. Even the easiest diets elude me. Maybe I should try harder....hmm.

She's almost perfect to me. I love her stomach and hip bones.

Even though....

I didn't binge.
It was all vegetarian
It was less than 100cals

I feel like I failed. I wanted to be strong. And was....to the point where my sister told me I had serious problems. But no one was home and ....and I didn't stop to think. And before I knew it I felt like I was going to puke.
Even the tiny bit I ate, all terribly good for you nutrition wise.....ugh.

Today and yesterday have been great because of how little I do eat in terms of calories. I burn them off, but it never seems like enough. It will never be enough if I want to reach my goal by the end of the year.
I need to remember that.

Is anyone looking for a txting or messaging buddy? I need help.

****
Few hours later...
Went to work out, feel sooo much better.
I was down another pound before I went out, so I'm looking forward to loosing some more. Down 4lbs total from the 8 I already lost.
Want to drop the last 6 by tuesday.

Strong Will

Hey readers.
I have made it half a day with 0, count 'em, 0 calories. You know what is keeping me going? Thinspo. Pics Pics Pics
I'm not hungry, but I'm afraid that if I go into the kitchen I'll eat. So I'm going for a bike ride later.

I told my boy last night that I hated him and was totally jealous of him not eating. He told me that I shouldn't be because we're built different. I can tell him anything, and he makes it better if its all wrong and terrible.

Mmm....rumbling stomach. Feels good to be hungry. I don't want to put anything in my mouth today or tomorrow. Or the next day.

I feel good.

I'm going to share something with you. I feel like you wont judge me too much, and you deserve to know.

My highest weight was 216.
Appalling isn't it?

I'm applying for a job at a resort in Wyoming. How do you think that is going to work out? There's another job in UT. Is it playing make believe to think I can get a job so far away?
Hmm...no point if I don't try.
Starting to feel disoriented...gonna go. I love reading all of your blogs. Please keep posting and keep starving.

Hot Lanta

I have heartburn.
I went to workout and it was intense. I can actually run a mile now, so I feel good about that.

I was really inspired by all of the thinspo I've been looking at. Also all of you guys make me want to be better and stronger. I ate a serving of honey roasted peanuts after working out for the protein. I feel bad about that.

My stomach is empty, my resolve is strong.
Ever wonder why every other commercial is about food or weight loss? Its so wrong.

I will try and go three days eating only safe foods or nothing. My internet boy told me today he thinks he's anorexic because he hasn't eaten in three days.

I hated him then. I hated him because he hadn't eaten and all I can think about is food. I hated him because he's a boy and he'll loose so much weight without even trying.

So I'm letting that jealousy fuel my eating and working out.
I kept telling my self I was weak, and worthless, and I had no willpower. That made me go longer and harder, not stopping until I proved that voice wrong. I don't need food. I don't take orders.
Karen Carpenter didn't take orders from food.

Beacuse I don't take orders from food

Some stuff

I want to say thank you to everyone! You guys really keep me going.

So far I've been good with food today. Half a bagel and gatorade. I know, the sugar but I needed a boost.

So I'm looking for a job anywhere really. I live in Northern Virginia if anyone wanted to stalk me. My first plan was to move to NY and get busy stripping or being an escort until I could get a job as a waitress or cooking because I went to school to be a chef, and fuck me if I don't use the skills. But my sister told me she has a friend who has an extra room I can rent, and she's trying to get me a job at the place she works at.
I'm not super excited about the prospect of living in a shelter, but there's really no other way if this all falls through. And I think it will make me grow up a little.

I wonder if that's what I really need. I've always been responsible and hard working. How do I need to grow up.....I should really think about that.

Anyway, I'm out getting rid of all the stuff I cant take with me, which is just about everything. I don't mind, it feels like I'm clearing my head too. I feel proud of myself for not giving up and dissolving into tears. Crying is something I couldn't control, but I'm never going to cry again. Tears don't get you shit.

Anyway I better get back.

Bad Sparrow.

Not only did i eat a cock sized meat dog today. I had butter and cheese and chicken and white flour tortillas!

Emotional overeating much?

Andy tips for a late night eater? All day long I don't need to eat but as soon as 8pm rolls around I get hungry enough to pig out.

I'm still hoping to loose 8lbs again this week. It doesn't look good, but I' am determined.

The internetz boy makes me want to be even more beautiful.

What are you guys up to?

Bitchin'

Not really.

So my mom had me served with eviction papers. Usually I would be crying and tearing my hair out. But I don't feel anything.

I know I'm not a bad person.

Right now I want to die. I want to stop being in this sort of pain.

I don't know what to do. I have NO money. I have about 81 cents in my bank account. I'm thinking of stealing some things so I can pawn them for money.

I need to get out of town and I think there's a 10$ bus that can take me to NY and from there I think I can get a job.

Am I strong enough? Do I care enough to go on?

What sort of person does this? I asked her if she realized how crazy she sounded, but she didn't think she sounded crazy at all.

If you have any suggestions, I need them now.