Inside I'm black and I'm hollow.
Tomorrow I will try and pretend to be a person, and I will fail.
I'm sick.
I'm wretched.
I'm teetering on the bright side of suffering.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Food is too far away
I'm too lazy to leave my apt, so I eat what is here. Which isn't much. Which is good.
Two energy drinks, almonds and yogurt covered raisins.
Hunger pangs all morning, and headache.
It feels good to be back on track.
Two energy drinks, almonds and yogurt covered raisins.
Hunger pangs all morning, and headache.
It feels good to be back on track.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Michelle Obama, the new Jackie O?
Michelle Obama's fashion choices have been touted as very Jackie O-esque. After going through some pictures, I found that there are only a few similarities. No one can replicate the poise and sophistication Jackie brought with her wardrobe. She started a whole fashion revolution with her choices of style and designers. A few pearls and empire waist lines don't mean anything, most especially not that you're ready to step in to Jackie's always fashionable shoes. I admit that the currrent First Lady's wardrobe is nice, well thought out, and chic. But for the most part if she was trying to be be our lovely Jackie O, she could try a little harder.
That being said, I don't believe Michelle Obama is trying to be the new JKO. She has her own fashion sense. I do believe that she's going to bring back dressing well, and dressing with pride. Taking account of what you look like before you step out the door. It's about looking great, and looking chic. I believe the Mrs. Obama is bringing that back, and to that I say: 'Finally!'
That being said, I don't believe Michelle Obama is trying to be the new JKO. She has her own fashion sense. I do believe that she's going to bring back dressing well, and dressing with pride. Taking account of what you look like before you step out the door. It's about looking great, and looking chic. I believe the Mrs. Obama is bringing that back, and to that I say: 'Finally!'
!!!
Where are all of my blogs I follow!!!? *cry
Anyway....so I didn't leave my house yesterday. I didn't go into the city to the mall to watch the parade, or the speeches. I watched cartoons and crocheted.
I don't feel bad, I mean 12 years ago I might have felt bad because I would have missed something important, because there is no youtube or CNN.com. But...yeah.
So yesterday I joined the ranks of some republicans and people in comas who also did not watch or even see anything having to do with the inauguration.
Anyway....so I didn't leave my house yesterday. I didn't go into the city to the mall to watch the parade, or the speeches. I watched cartoons and crocheted.
I don't feel bad, I mean 12 years ago I might have felt bad because I would have missed something important, because there is no youtube or CNN.com. But...yeah.
So yesterday I joined the ranks of some republicans and people in comas who also did not watch or even see anything having to do with the inauguration.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Uh...really?
Like, I hate people who are like: 'maybe one of us should....'
Meaning that I should.
One of the girls I live with was like, 'I have a few trash bags....so maybe one of us should pick some more up'
The only reason she would even mention it to me is so that I could do it. I HATE that fucking phrase!
Maybe one of us should shut the fuck up and piss off.
Fucking whore.
Meaning that I should.
One of the girls I live with was like, 'I have a few trash bags....so maybe one of us should pick some more up'
The only reason she would even mention it to me is so that I could do it. I HATE that fucking phrase!
Maybe one of us should shut the fuck up and piss off.
Fucking whore.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Fat pig failure
I can't stand to be myself.
I did so well yesterday, I was past hungry. I had used up more calories than I'd taken in, and I'd only taken in about 80 cals, and ate two small pieces of chicken, and all the lettuce I could stomach. By the end of the night I was so past hungry lines were blurring and I was shaking.
It was wonderful.
But then today I wasn't sure I wanted to pass out because I would be around so many people. So I ate....and couldn't stop.
Thank god everything I ate was vegetarian and mostly starches. I didn't finish all of the food but I ate. I had a diet coke. Then I came home and ate candy. Then noodles.
It's sad because I could have stopped. I could've gone down the the gym and worked out all of that nasty food. But I didn't.
I was lazy and fat.
I need to loose another 20 lbs, and I don't want to wait 2 months this time! I know that if I don't eat I will loose weight.
I did so well yesterday, I was past hungry. I had used up more calories than I'd taken in, and I'd only taken in about 80 cals, and ate two small pieces of chicken, and all the lettuce I could stomach. By the end of the night I was so past hungry lines were blurring and I was shaking.
It was wonderful.
But then today I wasn't sure I wanted to pass out because I would be around so many people. So I ate....and couldn't stop.
Thank god everything I ate was vegetarian and mostly starches. I didn't finish all of the food but I ate. I had a diet coke. Then I came home and ate candy. Then noodles.
It's sad because I could have stopped. I could've gone down the the gym and worked out all of that nasty food. But I didn't.
I was lazy and fat.
I need to loose another 20 lbs, and I don't want to wait 2 months this time! I know that if I don't eat I will loose weight.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A night of: F*ck this
So I'm sleeping, actually getting a good rest because I haven't in a long time.
And then I get rudely woken up by the sound of the front door slamming and my roommate wailing like a broken doll.
Drunk, pee pantsed, and out of her f*ing mind, I listen to her scream, cry, beg, and curse into her phone at her boyfriend for at least an hour.
The worst part is that this wasn't even in the room with me, she was outside in the living room. So I'm lying in bed, thinking how much I want to go out there and strangle her, maybe even yell to get her to shut up. I hear her go in and out of the house on to the balcony. I hear her rummaging in the kitchen. Then I think she passed out and for a blissfull few minutes I go back to sleep. Only to be woken again when her boyfriend carries her into the room, making enough noise to make even a saint contemplate killing them both, and she starts whining and wailing again.
And even after that, when they finally both went to sleep after sickening hushed whispers of: 'I love you baby' and 'it's going to be alright, just go to sleep', they woke up this morning talking. She coudln't even remember whast had happened, she'd fucking blacked out. So they went of laughing about what had happened and talking the whole fucking morning away.
That was the wonderful end to the best fucking night of my life! Only a few hours earlier had I completely stuffed myself with food(I haven't eaten this morning, thank the gods). My mother had also told me that she was stopping the loan that was letting me go to school, which means I am totally FUCKED. I worked for a whole fucking year to try to get into school! Working around a job and the immenent getting kicked out of my fucking house, plus paying rent at said house I was getting kicked out of. Then she lays this fucking shit on me. A whole year of fucking struggling for this shit and now she punks out!?
What the fuck has my brother or sister ever done that even put them on my level? What kind of ambittion do they show?! So what if they fucking want to go to college. My brother will piss all of that fucking money awat, get some girl pregnant and eat my mom out of house and home. My sister is going to community college for chrissakes! She can get money from anywhere she wants to. So fucking unfair.
And I felt like killing myself for the whole day. Not to mention it was 12 degrees F out yesterday and I was outside for most of the day freezing my everything off.
So right now my phone is off because I don't want to talk to any of those fuckers. I'm sitting in my room waiting for this day to be over so I can get up at 4 am to get to work at 6. Whoopie. And I'm trying not to think to hard so that I don't kill myself, because I am very, very close.
Fuck this.
And then I get rudely woken up by the sound of the front door slamming and my roommate wailing like a broken doll.
Drunk, pee pantsed, and out of her f*ing mind, I listen to her scream, cry, beg, and curse into her phone at her boyfriend for at least an hour.
The worst part is that this wasn't even in the room with me, she was outside in the living room. So I'm lying in bed, thinking how much I want to go out there and strangle her, maybe even yell to get her to shut up. I hear her go in and out of the house on to the balcony. I hear her rummaging in the kitchen. Then I think she passed out and for a blissfull few minutes I go back to sleep. Only to be woken again when her boyfriend carries her into the room, making enough noise to make even a saint contemplate killing them both, and she starts whining and wailing again.
And even after that, when they finally both went to sleep after sickening hushed whispers of: 'I love you baby' and 'it's going to be alright, just go to sleep', they woke up this morning talking. She coudln't even remember whast had happened, she'd fucking blacked out. So they went of laughing about what had happened and talking the whole fucking morning away.
That was the wonderful end to the best fucking night of my life! Only a few hours earlier had I completely stuffed myself with food(I haven't eaten this morning, thank the gods). My mother had also told me that she was stopping the loan that was letting me go to school, which means I am totally FUCKED. I worked for a whole fucking year to try to get into school! Working around a job and the immenent getting kicked out of my fucking house, plus paying rent at said house I was getting kicked out of. Then she lays this fucking shit on me. A whole year of fucking struggling for this shit and now she punks out!?
What the fuck has my brother or sister ever done that even put them on my level? What kind of ambittion do they show?! So what if they fucking want to go to college. My brother will piss all of that fucking money awat, get some girl pregnant and eat my mom out of house and home. My sister is going to community college for chrissakes! She can get money from anywhere she wants to. So fucking unfair.
And I felt like killing myself for the whole day. Not to mention it was 12 degrees F out yesterday and I was outside for most of the day freezing my everything off.
So right now my phone is off because I don't want to talk to any of those fuckers. I'm sitting in my room waiting for this day to be over so I can get up at 4 am to get to work at 6. Whoopie. And I'm trying not to think to hard so that I don't kill myself, because I am very, very close.
Fuck this.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Fatal
You know what I don't think is fair?
Fat women telling you that being fat is just fine.
IT'S NOT.
I don't know who they live with themselves. In truth they don't even like how they are spending hundreds of dollars on systems that don't work. All they need to do is make the choice to stop eating. Stop being so goddamned selfish.
I went to the shrink. Talked for an hour. Didn't get prescribed anything. But I made the mistake of talking about my eating habits. Talking made me feel good about food. Fuck food.
I fell off the wagon.
You don't even want to know what I've eaten today. I'm a failure.
I felt all of the extra flesh on my arms stomach and legs. I can feel my ribs when I suck it in, so I know I'm getting closer, but how will this latest binge affect me?
How can I stop eating once I've started now?
Help me!
Fat women telling you that being fat is just fine.
IT'S NOT.
I don't know who they live with themselves. In truth they don't even like how they are spending hundreds of dollars on systems that don't work. All they need to do is make the choice to stop eating. Stop being so goddamned selfish.
I went to the shrink. Talked for an hour. Didn't get prescribed anything. But I made the mistake of talking about my eating habits. Talking made me feel good about food. Fuck food.
I fell off the wagon.
You don't even want to know what I've eaten today. I'm a failure.
I felt all of the extra flesh on my arms stomach and legs. I can feel my ribs when I suck it in, so I know I'm getting closer, but how will this latest binge affect me?
How can I stop eating once I've started now?
Help me!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thursday morning
Still down 10 lbs. No change up or down, a bit frustrating.
Appt. tomorrow-dreading it.
Had non-fat plain yogurt: 80 cals
and serving of honey: 60 cals.
Not planning on eating anything else today.
Going out for a walk later.
Feel very tired.
Appt. tomorrow-dreading it.
Had non-fat plain yogurt: 80 cals
and serving of honey: 60 cals.
Not planning on eating anything else today.
Going out for a walk later.
Feel very tired.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
BP
Its coming.
I can feel it.
Somehow I almost fall in love with the feeling of fear and retching, and then the peace.
Then at least I know I'll be okay.
Mom's making me go to the mental health clinic friday.
If they make me take pills that will make me fat I might kill myself.
I'd rather be insane than be fat(er)
I can feel it.
Somehow I almost fall in love with the feeling of fear and retching, and then the peace.
Then at least I know I'll be okay.
Mom's making me go to the mental health clinic friday.
If they make me take pills that will make me fat I might kill myself.
I'd rather be insane than be fat(er)
Monday, January 12, 2009
A case of the Mondays
This morning I had lost 10 pounds from last night! OMG it doesn't make sense but I'm not going to waste it.
I've eaten about 4 baby carrots and had some apple cranberry juice. Also had about 5 almonds. I feel guilty about the almonds and the juice, but I know that when I get to exercise it wont be bad. I'm ravenous right now, but I'm loving the feeling of my stomach being unhappy. I get to control it, not the other way around.
I feel like I need to purge, but I'm at school and I don't want to catch anything from the bathrooms here.
Keeping the Hunger Strong
~~xoxo~~
I've eaten about 4 baby carrots and had some apple cranberry juice. Also had about 5 almonds. I feel guilty about the almonds and the juice, but I know that when I get to exercise it wont be bad. I'm ravenous right now, but I'm loving the feeling of my stomach being unhappy. I get to control it, not the other way around.
I feel like I need to purge, but I'm at school and I don't want to catch anything from the bathrooms here.
Keeping the Hunger Strong
~~xoxo~~
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Calories
160 in instant oatmeal.
Did you know that 1 tbs of honey has 60 bloody calories?!
I thought I'd cry when I saw that. Even honey is off the menu.
Oh well.
I'm very hungry, have a headache, and feel woozy. No food interests me though. My roommates are going out later to the store, I'm not sure if I should go. If I do go will I buy food I don't need?
I don't want to take the chance.
I feel like food is controlling me.
I'm going to read for a while, then take a nap.
My new diet: L.A. Shape.
Did you know that 1 tbs of honey has 60 bloody calories?!
I thought I'd cry when I saw that. Even honey is off the menu.
Oh well.
I'm very hungry, have a headache, and feel woozy. No food interests me though. My roommates are going out later to the store, I'm not sure if I should go. If I do go will I buy food I don't need?
I don't want to take the chance.
I feel like food is controlling me.
I'm going to read for a while, then take a nap.
My new diet: L.A. Shape.
Loving myself, the only way I know how.
Lost: 20lbs
gained:10
It's a battle that I can win and I won't let this go on.
I'm finally back at my apt, away from family and food. I'm going to start small, and make my way into a territory that I love.
Starvation.
This morning I ate a bowl of watered down instant oatmeal. That's all I'm having today. Already I feel hungry, which is good. I don't have a lot of food in my house anyway and I'm staying away from solids. Fruit juices, protein shakes, water and diet sodas only. I might pop into Starbucks, but it's hard to fathom drinking something so sugary and not feeling guilty about the calories.
Something I've noticed:
The more I move the less hungry I feel. So walking and going down to the gym are my only options, plus being at school. I feel happy that I can get back on track, it's time to let go and just be what I am inside.
The more I focus the better I am in life, in everything. I mean all of the work I did to loose that weight helped me focus in school. I have a 3.7 GPA now and I'm on the Dean's list. I'm amazing now thanks to my friend ED.
gained:10
It's a battle that I can win and I won't let this go on.
I'm finally back at my apt, away from family and food. I'm going to start small, and make my way into a territory that I love.
Starvation.
This morning I ate a bowl of watered down instant oatmeal. That's all I'm having today. Already I feel hungry, which is good. I don't have a lot of food in my house anyway and I'm staying away from solids. Fruit juices, protein shakes, water and diet sodas only. I might pop into Starbucks, but it's hard to fathom drinking something so sugary and not feeling guilty about the calories.
Something I've noticed:
The more I move the less hungry I feel. So walking and going down to the gym are my only options, plus being at school. I feel happy that I can get back on track, it's time to let go and just be what I am inside.
The more I focus the better I am in life, in everything. I mean all of the work I did to loose that weight helped me focus in school. I have a 3.7 GPA now and I'm on the Dean's list. I'm amazing now thanks to my friend ED.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Quick Update
I've gained about 10 pounds from just being at home and eating whatever I want. I think the self hatred is being staved off by the food, but it's coming I feel it.
I'm anxious and upset but not really sure why.
I've been working helping my former employer move into a new house, and making good money, which is nice. But I ruined my nice black jacket with bleach today. I'm pretty sure I can dye it back, and I'm not upset about that. I want to go back to my apt so that I can move my stuff into my new rooms, but ick, I can't until Saturday and then I have a birthday party. I'm stressed out and I feel cornered because I can't leave this woman to do her own house. UGH!
SO yeah I'm stressed.
I'm anxious and upset but not really sure why.
I've been working helping my former employer move into a new house, and making good money, which is nice. But I ruined my nice black jacket with bleach today. I'm pretty sure I can dye it back, and I'm not upset about that. I want to go back to my apt so that I can move my stuff into my new rooms, but ick, I can't until Saturday and then I have a birthday party. I'm stressed out and I feel cornered because I can't leave this woman to do her own house. UGH!
SO yeah I'm stressed.
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