Lamens Terms

Yeah, Peri, loved in past tense...but.... I still have feelings for him of course. I still hope he'll wake up and miss me more than life, more than his drugs, more than his selfishness.
I'm not holding my breath though.

The yesterday and today have been days that I've eaten. Good choices as far a nutrition goes. Bad choices for calories....since I have no idea how many I consumed. I know I had...340 cals for lunch yesterday. And a tall peppermint java chip frapp. Then came home and had chili...small amount. With cornbread, no butter. Broccoli casserole, barley an ounce, followed. Water and then tea. I love tea and thank god I have no more black tea because I put sugar and milk into it. Add on one shortbread biscuit. Writting it out seems horrendous now.
Today, one very dry, very small, cranberry muffin that I made myself...tons of fiber and wheat germ added. Slice of rye toast I know that was 80 cals. 90 cals worth of feta cheese, flat, unsalted crackers, dried cranberries. For dinner beans, a few chunks of potato and toast. 120 cals of butter. Another biscuit.

Restricting....going back to it...is hard. Its like I've forgotten the safe foods and so feel very lost opening the fridge. Its so weird...where before, when the internet boy was around, he knew about my problems, but his concern made me eat more...to soothe his worry. For so long I ate, not what I wanted but...whenever. Never staying away. I haven't been out running in forever. Ugh.
I just want things to go back to normal. I want to finish loosing this weight and I want to go into the air force, get my finances right and travel. Have lots of sex. Maybe
Which reminds me that I got invited to a BDSM New Years party. Wondering if I should go. What do you think?

Life is...

A whole bunch of nothing now. I don't see a point in living if not for him.
He said...he's not worth anyone.
To me...that means that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make him believe he's worth me. I'm not good enough. I want to scream.
So I told him goodbye. I'm not going to torture myself. But now he's upset. I know I did the right thing. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't want to have to say it. But Why should I stay for someone who doesn't know if they want me, because they're sure they're not worth my love? Am I daft?

Ugh.
There is nothing good about today. Woke up to find my phone bill is 80$ because apparently I don't have international texting. Duh.
First no intake day of the three i promised myself. I'm such a sodding excuse for a girl.
I loved him, why isn't that enough?

That was before

545 cals last night, mostly in broth and bread. Whole wheat.
And then I added butter and cheese.

So 545 cals.

That was before  I went out drinking. I only had two and one beer. But still. I love drinking on an empty stomach, get you drunk so much faster :]

The boy can't make up his mind. I'm sick of being the...you know...the girl on hold. I have feelings damn it!!!!

Can she do it?

Restrictions are going well.

Happy Christmas to most. Seasons greetings to the rest.

I have anew years party to go to and I REALLY want to look fab. No chance of that, lol. So I'm trying for 3 zero cal days. Well not even Zero, just no intake.

This always seems to fail.

The internet boy and I are no more because he's a dick. He ignored me for 4 days then came back with the 'its not you its me, and I don't know if I love you anymore, and I don't want this to be over' Bullshit.
So now I'm ignoring him.

Made all of my gifts this year and all were well received!!

Even though I'm still losing weight I don't see much difference. I don't feel it either. Really Quite sad. Also, friend caught me retching the bathroom, now she makes snide comments every time I question eating something. I'll ask how many calories or if I really should eat it, and she'll say 'does it matter?' Ick. I hate people without ED's they are so judgmental.

Love you all

God I'm old.

Welcome to 21.

I hate my birthday, I hate it I hate it I hate it.

News Flash...or Not so much

Late Night Serial Binger on the loose.

As we speak im munching on chips. But I'm tired.

Purging more and more, thought it was Ana who controlled my life. I guess Ana is more the guilt.

Even one slice of veggie pizza is enough to make me tailspin into panic and guilt. Writing this now though has made my appetite disappear. Good for me.

I'm going to bed Lads and Ladies.

Moderation

Its been a while since I restricted myself. Even a little bit. But Its nice now, to feel light headed and clear. Goodness, I'm very frustrated with life at the moment. I think it's PMS. Why do girls have to deal with pms? You'd think god would've realize he was making a psychotic enough gender, why does he give us chemical imbalances too?

Fruit and fiber, tea and fruit and fiber. And trying not to fly into a RAGE, about everything wrong that goes on in my life. I hate being me most of the time. Lol, who of us actually likes being themselves...80% of the time?

Cold. I'm always so very cold. Lol, WTF is fat for if it can't even keep me warm.

Yours, always wallowing in guilt,

Sparrow.

Breaking, without trying, makes me feel guilty

So over the weekend I ate what I wanted, but I didn't eat a lot. Same diff right. Didn't count calories, stressed a lot though.

I was 192 at the start of the weekend.
I'm 187 this morning.

I'm going to party by drinking shit tons of water and having a little sugary cereal for breakfast. Its actually shredded wheat with the leas amount of sugar in it. But I'm not going to blow it. Each time I loose a number, I make a vow to never again see it on the scale.

Plateau:: Defeated

Morning prayer

Dear god, please don't let me eat today.

By one, I'm going strong. Though I did drink alcohol. I think I' might be becoming a real drinker. Better than an eater right?
Anyway. I got through thanksgiving, I hope you did too. And surprise surprise, I didn't gain a bit. Still trying to break 190 I just can't seem to get it right! The most frustrating thing ever!!!!!
Damn you plateaus.

Sorry for being away for so long. Dealing with depression and the fact that I hate most everything about myself, I have no real home, and trying to love someone the best way I know how. He's patient, but I keep hurting him. I just want everything to be stable.

But anyway. That's a quick update.
Have a good day all.