In the life...and jeeze I'm cold

Hullo ladies...and mens if there are any watching.

So a big update.
I had to quit the fast because I got extremely sick. If you've ever had paralyzing menstrual cramps then you can maybe commiserate here. After my purge my body decided to die. My spine and hips were so achy and stiff with fever I couldn't find any position to sleep in without pain. I also developed a chest cough so my throat is raw. It was really terrible.
So I had to have some soup and tea and orange segments. I could barely finish the tea, and I couldn't stop crying because sitting down was like torture for my hips.
My fever broke shortly after, and I haven't been able to finish any food put in front of me. Which is good for my conscience, and weight. I haven't gained anything.
Still felt off this morning though I dragged my self out for a walk just because I couldn't sit still.

And now I'm cold....soon I figure I'll be hot again.....it's kind of funny, fevers are.

thank you terribly for your wonderful comments :]

And then there were fries.

Five Guys fries. I resisted for 10 mins.
I wanted to throw them away....I ate them instead.
My stomach felt horrid while I scarfed them down. Then I went down stairs and ate the rest of the pasta and bread sticks.
My head felt better and so did my stomach. But with the last sip of water I had, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down.
So then came the purge. Until my stomach begged me to stop.

And now I feel I'm back to normal.....my stomach hates me intensely.
Along with resisting food I am resisting Internetz boy. Ever since he told me he was going to marry his ex, and couldn't tell me one way or the other how he felt about me. Fucking prick. This is how I teach lessons.
You....you know I've wanted to be a dominatrix lately, and now that I have a resource it's another reason to be thin, and something besides food to focus on.

Working on costume...maybe pics?

How are you?

An air balloon for a head

So maybe you're all on pins and needles about last night. Maybe you're not, but I shall tell you anyway. Nothing passed my lips except the 'lemonade'.

Hurray. I didn't have to cry off or do anything really. They asked if I was going to have some and I said I wasn't hungry. That was the end of that.
But it did smell good......

So I am down 5 lbs from last night. And really I can't attribute that to anything tricky like 'water weight' or ....something. I mean....I haven't been eating so it has to be fat right? Got up this morning for a walk/jog of 6 miles, two of which I jogged. Go me. Now I am existing on water since there are no more lemons ::sad face::
I actually might take a nap...which goes against my rules for this month, but I'm cold and exhausted. My stomach feels a little cramp-y too, but that's because there is no food.
I can't say the cravings have fully stopped but, they aren't as....strong. More like a back of the mind thing that pops up every now and then.
I am going trick or treating and I will hoard that candy like it is valuable treasure. I'm debating on if I'm going to eat any at all, but I don't think it's a very good idea to. I don't want to gain back anything, and I will if I stuff myself with sweets.
If I can loose another 8lbs by the end of the week I'll meet my goal, I'll also have lost 13lbs in ten days. How spectacular.
Hmm...thinking I've got too much to do to rest right now....will put on jacket instead.

Soon I' will be back on track with your blogs, and you'll be seeing comments.
Hugs and willpower all around.

All the H's sound like Hell

*Tear.
Thanks Prozzy and Peri for your comments. You guys are fantastic, and I find myself looking over them to give me the push I need sometimes.

So.....

700 cals in two days....if I don't eat tonight. Can you imagine how long its been since I've been able to control my eating that much? A while, to say the least.
I'm not supposed to be eating on this cleanse, but last night was V's b-day and so I had a tiny( I really do mean tiny) slice of cake, and I ate around all of the icing. Today I almost got away with it, but we went out to eat for lunch. Had a plain salad and a half of a grilled potato of which I had about 5 pieces of lettuce and a third of the potato.
I've been drinking the 'lemonade' non-stop, and it makes my tummy feel strange, but I contribute that to the cayenne.
Oh no! I hear.....pasta and pizza for dinner. Maybe I can cry off....pretend my stomach hurts or something. It's after 7 and I don't want to eat.
Feeling tired.
Well I got my stuff for my Max costume and I'm super excited. Don't know what i'm going to carve on my pumpkin.....ugh.
I just feel like going to sleep......
Oh damn pumpkin seeds...so tasty...so forbidden.
Alright me hearties...have a good night, morning, afternoon. I will post later.

Bullshitting

I'm starting the cleanse today instead of monday. Because I can.

Its rainy and gloomy, which I love.
I've been thinking about the beset way to pull the wool over people's eyes about what I've been eating. And I've never had to waste food before but I think I may have to start leaving evidence around. I don't like being forced to eat, or pressured to eat.

Sometimes I think I just want to go on living as I have. Being depressed and upset, unable to focus, cold, and unsociable. But only because I have been that way for so long I can't really deal with happy, carefree and loving. But there is that tiny kernel of myself that doesn't want to be...me anymore. I want to go out and feel happy. I want to stop over thinking and bask in the moments of life.
And lately I've begun to realize that I wont be happy when I'm thin.....not mentally happy. Yes I'll be able to walk confidently into stores, and yes my chest will be a regular size..I hope. But...I'll always hate myself. I struggle with that, and I struggle with...trying to be a stable person.

I don't want to go on any anti-depressants, though it has been recommended. I want to be strong enough to work through it all.
That's what it's all about in the end isn't it? Strength. Willpower. Dedication.
One day people will be proud of me.
But even more important. One day I'll be proud of myself.

Whew....

What has it been....two three weeks?

Fail Fail Fail.

I can't get my weight to stay at a constant EVER. Can someone tell me why? I feel fucked. I feel like I can't do the right things to make my body listen.
But whatever.

Starting cleanse next week, just wanted to let you all know I'm not dead exactly.
I've been more successful at choosing how much I eat, and when, when I'm here. But can't wait to reset my body again. Walking about 4 miles per day now...jogging about one of those four.

Going as Max ( WTWTA) for halloween. Was going to go as Chun Li seeing as I've got the thunderthighs down pat.
Blah.
NO I haven't been reading and I need to catch up. Yes I still care about you all
Missed you

<3

Thoughts in Trainwreck

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Only big girls give up

I'm having trouble Bs-ing my friend. She makes sure I eat.....

3 and a quarter mile walk today. I wanted to finish that off with a bowl of strawberries and be done for the night. But I couldn't get by with that.

So I had leftover Chinese....eggplant and white rice.

Last night I consumed a lot of alcohol, but I didn't eat...until I got back. UGH.

Tomorrow I'm getting back on track and saying NO!
I've resisted cookies, and HIGH fat things. I've been good with the water, besides last night. Snacking is down. Exercise is up.
I'm going to try walking 9 miles tomorrow over the course of the day. I'm going to plan out every meal so I know exactly the amount of calories I'm taking in.

I've had the urge to purge very frequently, but so far haven't because I'm afraid of questions.

I'm also doing really good with the times I eat. I'm realizing it's easier not to eat a t night if I eat at 6 and have enough water to drown a whale.

WE CAN DO IT!!!

Skinny Mini and fabulous!

Quickies

Last night's dinner was about 660 cals. I added about 100 cals for good measure since I'm not sure.

Breakfast today was 400 even.
I was sad about that because I remember when my whole day consisted of no more than 500 cals.

I'm at193 this morning, down two pounds. But I don't feel like it.

Operation 13lb Drop

1. No more than 1200 cals a day.
2. Only veg or fruit for snack. Granola, rice, flax, or brown rice snacks also allowed
3. Water tea or cider for drinks
4. No cookies, no candy, no sweet sweet starbucks
5. 90 mins of cardio 4 times a week, plus any yoga I can fit in
6. Bed always before 12
7. No afternoon naps
8.Always follow the serving size, never go over, under is fine.

I really need to cut back on cheese even though I LOVE it. Also since I'm living with a chef and former sports medicine expert I can't get away with starvation as much as I used to. I can fake a lot but I'm not one to waste. There will be cooking and dinner parties and on those days I really need to watch my intake, and get in some serious exercising before eating. I don't like seeing the numbers on the scale go down if I'm not out there kicking my butt with some physical activity. It's like cheating.

Edit:
Went to rec center swam about 30 mins....god I'm lame. Going for a walk. Gained 5lbs lost 2 in a day. WTF body. WTF

Fresh Starts

Well everyone, I'm here. At my friend's house. With a new room and new family. New goals, new enthusiasm, new everything.

She has a scale. A beautiful scale that looks like a glass a chrome alter with beautiful digital numbers that beep promisingly and calculate wonderfully.

This month's start is 195lbs.

I vow to never again see that number on the scale after this weekend.

Today's intake:
1 apple
2oz cheddar cheese
handful of kettle chips
...cookie 100 cals
chips again...150cals
water only.

Nothing more until dinner which promises to be healthy. Dinner is a family affair here, but one with many choices.
The distance around the neighborhood is 1.2 miles. There's a lake and the distance around that is about 4 miles. I have no shortage of tools at my grasp here. I don't feel pressure, I don't feel hate.

Since I left a day early, I called my sister last night to see what my mom thought of me being gone. My sister said that my mother was going to take me out to eat since it would be my last night there. I laughed. To me that seemed like the ultimate insult. Lets celebrate me kicking you out with no place to go.

Thanks ma.

I told the internetz boy that I wouldn't be able to talk to him for a month or so. But now I realize it's going to be much longer. I still have to do basic training after I loose some weight...which could be 2 and a half months after that. I didn't tell him about moving here which actually gives me the chance to talk to him when ever I want. But I need to focus. I need to put aside being lazy and unaware. He'll be around, he wont crumble and die. And neither will I.

It hurts though. And maybe that's good for me. I miss him already.

So I'm back on track and ready to loose. My goal for this month is the same as last. 13lbs

Thank you again everyone for the support. I hope you're enjoying the fall.