If she can do it.....

Ana.

The internetz boy. He....how do I say this. He supports my obsessions. He accepts me for what I am. The internetz boy starves his self too, and can't stand the sight of fat people.

When I told him my ideal weight, he said that sounded hot. Not creepy or too thin. It makes me want to work harder.
I'm very sad, my most favourite Pro-ana site is gone! I don't know what i'll do without it, none of them are as well put together as it.

I'm feeling very woozy so i'm going to go lay down.

Intake:
I class of lemon water: 60 cals
fat free egg white pasta, 1 serving with a little parmesan cheese and roasted eggplant: 240 cals

Failure:
1 tofu ice cream sandwich: 130 cals.

I wont eat for the next 18 hours. I promise Ana. I promise

Physics

For every good day, there is a worse one waiting in the wings.

I want to be strong. I want to be good
I want to be healthy, unconquered, and true
I want to have faith
I want no more horror
One day I'll get there
Though it wont be tomorrow
And not without sorrow
And not without help, hope, or determination.

Failing scares me more than dying.

What to do? What to do?

the internetz boy

We talked, kind of.

Both of our lives have gone to shit. He missed me. He made excuses. I almost cried.
Until I remembered that I don't cry anymore.

I don't know who's more full of shit. Him or me.

fuck

I want to thank you for the comments my last post. Soon I'm packing my shit and leaving, because I have an idea of what my life should be, and I have to find that before I crumble and break.

Pretty Simple Elegant

None of those words ever apply to fat people like me.

You know the fattest word I hate? Jovial. I hear it and instantly think santa-esque. Kill me.

So there's this boy. I know, I know....boy troubles.
I haven't spoken to him in about 8 months. I thought it was over. I thought I loved him and that he felt the same about me.
I got an email from him this morning. Nothing substantial. I don't know what to think.

In my life of struggle, I barely eat because I am so stressed out. Which is good and bad. The last two time I worked out for an hour and passed out when I was done. I guess blacked out, is a better word.
But as a plus, none of my clothes fit. Thank you Ana.
I'm finally going vegetarian and I'm very serious about it. One of the upsides it that my family doesn't buy a lot of health food. So I refuse to eat anything, if it's not vegetarian. I continue to loose weight I eat one meal about every 18 hours, and that is less than or equal to 800 cals. I work out 3 times a week for an hour.

I know I can get down to 500 cals a day, but what else do you suggest? I feel very stuck inside my fat body. I'll never bee thin like you guys. I'm so depressed.

My mom is trying to kick me out, but it's her fault I'm even here. I was on the deans list at college, then one day she calls up and says she's pulling ht loan she took out and that I'll just have to find my way.
That's how I ended up in Texas for a month. Because of her I have no job which means no money. I don't have a degree to show for all of my hard work, and I've been sleeping on a couch for 4 months. She's a bitch and I really hate the way she treats me. As if I'm not fucked up enough, I have Hitler for a mother. She's conniving and devious, and a hypocrite. She's the most fake person I know. She's full of shit.
I'm working on leaving before she can have the satisfaction of throwing me out. I literally have no where to go, and no way to get there. I did find a shelter, but I think I'd rather kill myself. I've been thinking about suicide a lot. The thought that this torment might one day end is the only thing that keeps my anxiety at bay. I think when no one is home I'm going to hook up the vacuum hose to the exhaust in one of the cars, and just sit inside while the car runs. I might even get all dressed up so I'm all ready to go into my grave when they find me. I don't feel bad about this because I'm doing it for me. I do hope she goes mad from the guilt, but I'm not holding my breath.
I just want the pain and confusion, the frustration and self-loathing to stop. I want her to go away.

Today

I had nothing but flax crackers and coffee for the whole day.....until dinner. I had a 240 cal energy bar. And about 8 ounces of roasted chicken....and a slice of bread.

I feel bloated and fat and disgusted. I don't know why I didn't just throw it all up after I ate, no one was watching.

Lately I've been really anxious and my heart feels like it's beating fast all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. My stomach is upset, it's hard to swallow. Ugh!

I just want to keep loosing weight, I just want to be thin! Why can't I be thin?!

Strength

The last two days have been amazing. I feel good about myself despite the emotional stress I'm going through.

In the past two days I maybe have had 500 cals at most.
Its almost the end of today, so I am feeling panicky about food. I know that when night rolls around I'll crave something bad for me.

Right now I''m trying to plan out a vegetarian meal so that I know I have the option to eat if I want it.
How is everyone else doing?

I've lost 8 pounds in the last week.

Stay strong!