Close Enough to Killing Myself

Less than 500 calories today.

I am so depressed.

I have no one.

I have pills close to my bed and I wonder if I can overdose.

I am almost hysteric as I write this, yet looking at me you couldn't tell.

The hurricane is going on inside me, in my brain, in my heart.

Today I was my strongest in a week.
But I didn't do my best.

My 'friend' woke me up early to go with her to this school she's thinking about going with. First of all I fucking hate the lady there. She's a bitch to me, and treats me like a child.
and secondly, I don't like being awake before 9 or 10 because I'm extremely homicidal. So this girl when ever I'm upset she tries to do something I'll like. For example, she loves 'country' music, which I have trouble enjoying. So if she thinks I'm upset she'll play rock music which I really enjoy as a peace offering.
This morning she tried to bribe me with coffee and I wouldn't let her. She needed to feel bad about what she was making me do. I ignored her most of the morning and then the rest of the day.
This girl is spoiled rotten but complains and makes me a patsy for her parents. Fuck it. Today was the last straw.
So we were at this school, a culinary 'academy' and they were baking cookies. Now I don't eat in the morning because it upsets my stomach, but she wouldn't get off my back about eating these oatmeal cookies. I don't even like oatmeal cookies. Plus they had chocolate in them. Fuck! She was like 'try them try them!' and I jsut wanted to fucking punch her.

So then we left and She took me back to her house. I had two pieces of water melon and then went back to sleep for a while.
When I woke up I had two pieces of cinnamon raisin bread with a teaspoon of smart balance and a fuze drink that I split up over 4 hours.

After that I didn't eat anything because I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid dinner.

Calories for the day.
Fuze(10 cals per serving): 20 cals
Bread(65 per slice): 130 cals
Cookie: 127 Cals

Dinner: 430 cals.(fucking rice)
I used the 'pushing your food around on your plate to make it look like you're eating more than you are' trick so it helped. I also ate slower than anything.But the numbers are still depressing.

Today's total: 712.

under 800 but still Extreme Fail.

Hope tomorrow will be better. I'm totally starving right now, my stomach hurts with it. I'm glad I have this feeling back.

Saturday

Ok.
I hate black girls/women.

They are so....mediocre. Like they are either WAY to curvy or not skinny enough. I hate looking at them it makes me sick.
It makes me depressed too because I'm black, and my mom told me she never had a flat stomach.

What the fuck.

So last night my friend took me to this crap club on 6th street. It was awful, but she said it was the only 18+ club around. She and her other friends were being twats, and she looked like a skank.

She's huge by the way. I look at pictures of her from the past and she used to be really skinny. The thing is, she still wears the clothes she used to when she was thin. Ew.

Anyway. It was your basic shitty club full of nasty 'gangster' wanna be boys that smelled like shit and yelled things like "hey blue BLUE!"(as in your shirt color) at you instead of coming up to you and saying hi. And the most disgusting girls squeezed into the tightest outfits they could find. Outfits that show each and every roll, love handle, and huge belly in the place.

Not only is that not my scene, but I was actually dressed nice and I couldn't stand looking at these girls literally falling out of their clothes.

I'd rather have spent the night, smoking and feeling thin, while listening to live rock and flirting with a hotty with shaggy hair and snake bites.

My question to my AnaMia's. Do you get high? And if you do how do you beat the intense hunger after wards?
All I can say for last night was thank god Taco Bell was closed by the time we stopped partying. I only ate 10 baked lays.

Love and strength

Idealistic

ANA!!!!

Love me.
Lathe me down until everything shines in your image.

BEAUTY!!!!

Keep me company.
Teach me your secrets.

RESTRAINT!!!!

Hold me close at night.
Keep away the dreaded food.

CONTROL!!!!

Guide me.
I follow your beacon anywhere.

I live for the day I will never question my path.

I live to be as insubstantial and breathtaking as a shaft of moonlight.

Pills

HydroxyCut Max.

I have it. Any thoughts? Is it good, does it work?

I'm going to use it to see how it does fro my body while I'm exercising. I've discovered how much I love working out, it hurts but feels great at the same time.

Baking a cake for friend's mom. Ultimate Test: No licking or tasting!

A Long Time

Goodness it's been forever eh Chickens?

I've missed you all and fallen off the cart a few times.
Let the self hatred be as strong as ever.
But you'll all be jealous.

I've got a personal trainer, and have moved to a place of sun and beauty. Where to get what you want you have to be thin. I am Inspired every day.

Let us Feast

I drank at every vine
The last was like the first
I came upon no wine
So wonderful as Thirst

I gnawed at every root
I ate at every plant
I came upon no fruit
So wonderful as Want

I fed the grape and bean
To the Vintner,and the Monger
I will lay down lean
With my Thirst and my Hunger

Edna St Vincent Millay

My Ana's, Sweet Ana's. When other girls wanted cars, I was looking in the mirror. When other girls danced and drunk, I was pinching pounds. While they were busy kissing, I was running miles While they were plucked and tanning, I was counting and restricting. No such thing as better, no such victory as thin Only when I'm perfect bones, only then, I'll win