Lamens Terms

Yeah, Peri, loved in past tense...but.... I still have feelings for him of course. I still hope he'll wake up and miss me more than life, more than his drugs, more than his selfishness.
I'm not holding my breath though.

The yesterday and today have been days that I've eaten. Good choices as far a nutrition goes. Bad choices for calories....since I have no idea how many I consumed. I know I had...340 cals for lunch yesterday. And a tall peppermint java chip frapp. Then came home and had chili...small amount. With cornbread, no butter. Broccoli casserole, barley an ounce, followed. Water and then tea. I love tea and thank god I have no more black tea because I put sugar and milk into it. Add on one shortbread biscuit. Writting it out seems horrendous now.
Today, one very dry, very small, cranberry muffin that I made myself...tons of fiber and wheat germ added. Slice of rye toast I know that was 80 cals. 90 cals worth of feta cheese, flat, unsalted crackers, dried cranberries. For dinner beans, a few chunks of potato and toast. 120 cals of butter. Another biscuit.

Restricting....going back to it...is hard. Its like I've forgotten the safe foods and so feel very lost opening the fridge. Its so weird...where before, when the internet boy was around, he knew about my problems, but his concern made me eat more...to soothe his worry. For so long I ate, not what I wanted but...whenever. Never staying away. I haven't been out running in forever. Ugh.
I just want things to go back to normal. I want to finish loosing this weight and I want to go into the air force, get my finances right and travel. Have lots of sex. Maybe
Which reminds me that I got invited to a BDSM New Years party. Wondering if I should go. What do you think?

Life is...

A whole bunch of nothing now. I don't see a point in living if not for him.
He said...he's not worth anyone.
To me...that means that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make him believe he's worth me. I'm not good enough. I want to scream.
So I told him goodbye. I'm not going to torture myself. But now he's upset. I know I did the right thing. He says he still loves me, he just doesn't want to have to say it. But Why should I stay for someone who doesn't know if they want me, because they're sure they're not worth my love? Am I daft?

Ugh.
There is nothing good about today. Woke up to find my phone bill is 80$ because apparently I don't have international texting. Duh.
First no intake day of the three i promised myself. I'm such a sodding excuse for a girl.
I loved him, why isn't that enough?

That was before

545 cals last night, mostly in broth and bread. Whole wheat.
And then I added butter and cheese.

So 545 cals.

That was before  I went out drinking. I only had two and one beer. But still. I love drinking on an empty stomach, get you drunk so much faster :]

The boy can't make up his mind. I'm sick of being the...you know...the girl on hold. I have feelings damn it!!!!

Can she do it?

Restrictions are going well.

Happy Christmas to most. Seasons greetings to the rest.

I have anew years party to go to and I REALLY want to look fab. No chance of that, lol. So I'm trying for 3 zero cal days. Well not even Zero, just no intake.

This always seems to fail.

The internet boy and I are no more because he's a dick. He ignored me for 4 days then came back with the 'its not you its me, and I don't know if I love you anymore, and I don't want this to be over' Bullshit.
So now I'm ignoring him.

Made all of my gifts this year and all were well received!!

Even though I'm still losing weight I don't see much difference. I don't feel it either. Really Quite sad. Also, friend caught me retching the bathroom, now she makes snide comments every time I question eating something. I'll ask how many calories or if I really should eat it, and she'll say 'does it matter?' Ick. I hate people without ED's they are so judgmental.

Love you all

God I'm old.

Welcome to 21.

I hate my birthday, I hate it I hate it I hate it.

News Flash...or Not so much

Late Night Serial Binger on the loose.

As we speak im munching on chips. But I'm tired.

Purging more and more, thought it was Ana who controlled my life. I guess Ana is more the guilt.

Even one slice of veggie pizza is enough to make me tailspin into panic and guilt. Writing this now though has made my appetite disappear. Good for me.

I'm going to bed Lads and Ladies.

Moderation

Its been a while since I restricted myself. Even a little bit. But Its nice now, to feel light headed and clear. Goodness, I'm very frustrated with life at the moment. I think it's PMS. Why do girls have to deal with pms? You'd think god would've realize he was making a psychotic enough gender, why does he give us chemical imbalances too?

Fruit and fiber, tea and fruit and fiber. And trying not to fly into a RAGE, about everything wrong that goes on in my life. I hate being me most of the time. Lol, who of us actually likes being themselves...80% of the time?

Cold. I'm always so very cold. Lol, WTF is fat for if it can't even keep me warm.

Yours, always wallowing in guilt,

Sparrow.

Breaking, without trying, makes me feel guilty

So over the weekend I ate what I wanted, but I didn't eat a lot. Same diff right. Didn't count calories, stressed a lot though.

I was 192 at the start of the weekend.
I'm 187 this morning.

I'm going to party by drinking shit tons of water and having a little sugary cereal for breakfast. Its actually shredded wheat with the leas amount of sugar in it. But I'm not going to blow it. Each time I loose a number, I make a vow to never again see it on the scale.

Plateau:: Defeated

Morning prayer

Dear god, please don't let me eat today.

By one, I'm going strong. Though I did drink alcohol. I think I' might be becoming a real drinker. Better than an eater right?
Anyway. I got through thanksgiving, I hope you did too. And surprise surprise, I didn't gain a bit. Still trying to break 190 I just can't seem to get it right! The most frustrating thing ever!!!!!
Damn you plateaus.

Sorry for being away for so long. Dealing with depression and the fact that I hate most everything about myself, I have no real home, and trying to love someone the best way I know how. He's patient, but I keep hurting him. I just want everything to be stable.

But anyway. That's a quick update.
Have a good day all.

Menu

So the rules are as follows.
No added salt.
If you must snack it has to be a fruit or negative cal food.
Also I would stick to water as a drink unless said otherwise.

Days 1-7

Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat bread, 1 one ounce slice of cheese. No cal drink
Lunch: 1 scoop salmon( 2 ounces canned in water) tons of neg cal veggies, 5 whole wheat crackers. No cal drink
Dinner: Baked chicken( 3 ounces cooked) 1 cup cauliflower 1/2 cup beets, 1 apple. No cal drink

Breakfast:1/2 banana 1 ounce high fiber cereal, 8 ounces skim or low fat milk no cal drink
Lunch: 4 ounces low fat cottage cheese, neg cal veggies, 1 slice whole wheat bread
Dinner: 3 ounces poached fish 1 cup broccoli, 1/2 carrots 1/2 grapefruit no cal drink

Breakfast: 1 slice whole wheat bread, 1 tablespoon peanut butter, 1 apple no cal drink
Lunch: 2 ounces tuna with lemon juice, neg cal veggies, 5 whole wheat crackers, no cal drink
Dinner: 3 ounces cooked beefsteak or hamburger patty, 1 cup asparagus, one ounce of cheese, 1 orange, 1 cup salad, no cal drink

Breakfast: 1/2 banana, 1 ounce high fiber cereal, 8 ounces skim or low fat milk, no cal drink
Lunch: 2 ounces tuna, 1 teaspoon mayonnaise, neg cal veggies, two slices whole wheat bread, 1/2 grapefruit no cal drink
Dinner: 3 ounces baked chicken, 1 ounce cheese, 1 cup salad, 1 apple no cal drink

Breakfast: 1 cup berries, 4 ounces low fat cottage cheese, 5 whole wheat crackers no cal drink
Lunch: 2 ounces tuna with lemon juice, 2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 teaspoon mayonnaise or low cal salad dressing, 1/2 grapefruit no cal drink
Dinner: 3 ounces beefsteak of hamburger patty 1/2 cup green beans and 1 cup broccoli, 1 ounce of cheese, i apple no cal drink

Breakfast: 1/2 cantaloupe, 1 ounce cheese, 1 slice whole wheat bread no cal drink
Lunch: 1 hard boiled egg, neg cal veggies, 2 slices whole wheat bread, 1 teaspoon mayonnaise or low cal salad dressing, 1/2 grapefruit no cal drink
Dinner: poached of baked fish 3 ounces, 1 cup asparagus, 1/2 cup green peas, 1 apple no cal drink.

Breakfast: 1/2 banana, 1 ounce high fiber cereal, 8 ounces skim or low fat milk, no cal drink
Lunch : 1 cup berries, 4 ounces low fat cottage cheese, 2 slices whole wheat bread no cal drink
Dinner: 3 ounces baked chicken, 1 cup cauliflower, 1/2 carrots, 1 apple no cal drink

I ended up eating a lot of chicken and fish since I don't eat red meat and I also went through the menus for the certain cal intakes and switched out meals. I am also eat rice chex and plain soy milk since I can't stomach real milk, and sometimes raisin bran for the fiber. I can honestly say that if you stay within these parameters you will lose a couple of pounds in the first few days. Its kind of a miracle. Don't go over the intake, though I've gone under without much problems. There are some alternate menus as well, if you would like them let me know. As far as the salt thing...the book says use a lot of spices but not salt ...because of water retention. NO oils....fats. AKA butter. I know none of you have probably had butter in a while and now is not the time to start.
So that's one week.

And I am running on one hour of sleep. Sooo...I'm going to pass out for the night.
I will read blogs when I get up.

Renaissance

I want to say thank you to Prozzy and PrettyWreck for the comments of late.
PrettyWreck I'm taking what you said about love and having it framed. That's exactly it. Everything all jumbled in my head and you made sense of it. Thanks
To both: Yeah...he lives in Vancouver....but one day maybe.

So ....last night was a long one. I was up from about 5pm till 11 in the morning. Talking to the boy of the internet. He is in love with me. He told me so. He thought...that I didn't like him in that way. He's been dying to tell me since September.
Now...our history is this. We started talking last year around August. Around late Nov he disappeared. 8 months later I get an email. We began as if it were just a few days between us instead of months. We've always had a lot in common, and we clicked so fast and easily as friends it was amazing. But I haven't started feeling deeply about him until recently because....truthfully how do you feel for someone you've never met.
But last night all of it came out and things were settled.

By the end of the night I will post for you the menu for the first week since Monday is close at hand.
Thank you very much for reading. Thank you very much for commenting.

Compulsory

I wonder sometimes if I were asked to marry someone....what would I say.
The whole scenario fills me with a fear and anxiety. I would say no most likely the first time.

I've come to realize that loving people or being close to people is a very scary thing to me. Maybe because I'm afraid of ..loosing myself. Truthfully that's what I want to do. I want to lean into someone and take their strength and not have to worry about holding up my shield to the rest of the world.

But back to losing weight...lol
I didn't binge...not really...but I did eat a pastry and I couldn't leave that inside my body. Throwing up broccoli is very disconcerting by the way. So green.
I'll see the weight change by tomorrow morning
It never fails that every month right before the call of nature comes, I get upset and disoriented. Depressed irritated. I go inside myself and try to deal with these feelings. I deal with it a week before and after. Then I get two weeks of freedom. And just once I'd like to have a whole month to be happy.
Don't I have enough to deal with mentally...without the chemical imbalances?
Silly question to ask I'm sure.

I think its soon time for bed.

Loser

I am losing.
Finally.
But When I slip up, it takes me back to the number I dread to see. 197
What I really want to do today is fast.

So I've been talking more to the internetz boy, and of course like a cotton-headed ninny muggins I find myself thinking about him, and smiling like an idiot.
What is is about being a girl that makes us so silly around dudes? Or even ladies if that's your thing. I don't know what the future is for me, if he'll be in it or not. I hope that he'll find someone else....
So I can be alone.

How horrid does that sound?

I don't want to be put on again. And for once I'd like to have a relationship that doesn't exist in cyber space.

The diet I'm on is called the rotation diet. Its a little bit amazing. Besides my slip up last night I had been at 192-3, this morning  I'm at 195. Hoping to hit 190 by the end of this week...two days. I haven't been out running but I know with the heaviness of what I ate last night I have to, or be damned.
Anyway....this diet suits me because you never go over 1200 cals a day in three weeks. 600 for three days 900 the last four for the first week, 1200 for the second, and then 600/900 again. Its kind of bad ass, and everything is measured which I love.
So maybe I'll post the first week's menu for you. I changed a few things because I don't eat read meat.

So anyway. Happy Friday ladies. And Lads if there are any.

Every pound is a pound I've slaved for

It gets tedious, watching the scale go up and down, up and down, over three pounds. I'm so sick of watching it, of watching me, of watching food.
I want too stop eating because that's when I loose the most. But since the house thinks the cleanse is the problem, there's no chance of me getting back to that.

I feel trapped and I'm having strange dreams. I want a break. A break would be so very nice. A time when I could walk around in pj's and not feel like I'm breaking laws. A time when I don't have to see or talk to anyone.

I'm a horrible recluse.

In Hell there are only Plateaus

Thankfully I seem to have broken mine. Tomorrow will really tell the tale eh?

Its only Tuesday....but I spent most of it in bed. I just don't care about anything. I don't want to eat, but I have to on this diet. Only 600 cals but I just don't care.

Going to start a Kung Fu class. Exciting.

Oh man.....

What's up with you?

In the life...and jeeze I'm cold

Hullo ladies...and mens if there are any watching.

So a big update.
I had to quit the fast because I got extremely sick. If you've ever had paralyzing menstrual cramps then you can maybe commiserate here. After my purge my body decided to die. My spine and hips were so achy and stiff with fever I couldn't find any position to sleep in without pain. I also developed a chest cough so my throat is raw. It was really terrible.
So I had to have some soup and tea and orange segments. I could barely finish the tea, and I couldn't stop crying because sitting down was like torture for my hips.
My fever broke shortly after, and I haven't been able to finish any food put in front of me. Which is good for my conscience, and weight. I haven't gained anything.
Still felt off this morning though I dragged my self out for a walk just because I couldn't sit still.

And now I'm cold....soon I figure I'll be hot again.....it's kind of funny, fevers are.

thank you terribly for your wonderful comments :]

And then there were fries.

Five Guys fries. I resisted for 10 mins.
I wanted to throw them away....I ate them instead.
My stomach felt horrid while I scarfed them down. Then I went down stairs and ate the rest of the pasta and bread sticks.
My head felt better and so did my stomach. But with the last sip of water I had, I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down.
So then came the purge. Until my stomach begged me to stop.

And now I feel I'm back to normal.....my stomach hates me intensely.
Along with resisting food I am resisting Internetz boy. Ever since he told me he was going to marry his ex, and couldn't tell me one way or the other how he felt about me. Fucking prick. This is how I teach lessons.
You....you know I've wanted to be a dominatrix lately, and now that I have a resource it's another reason to be thin, and something besides food to focus on.

Working on costume...maybe pics?

How are you?

An air balloon for a head

So maybe you're all on pins and needles about last night. Maybe you're not, but I shall tell you anyway. Nothing passed my lips except the 'lemonade'.

Hurray. I didn't have to cry off or do anything really. They asked if I was going to have some and I said I wasn't hungry. That was the end of that.
But it did smell good......

So I am down 5 lbs from last night. And really I can't attribute that to anything tricky like 'water weight' or ....something. I mean....I haven't been eating so it has to be fat right? Got up this morning for a walk/jog of 6 miles, two of which I jogged. Go me. Now I am existing on water since there are no more lemons ::sad face::
I actually might take a nap...which goes against my rules for this month, but I'm cold and exhausted. My stomach feels a little cramp-y too, but that's because there is no food.
I can't say the cravings have fully stopped but, they aren't as....strong. More like a back of the mind thing that pops up every now and then.
I am going trick or treating and I will hoard that candy like it is valuable treasure. I'm debating on if I'm going to eat any at all, but I don't think it's a very good idea to. I don't want to gain back anything, and I will if I stuff myself with sweets.
If I can loose another 8lbs by the end of the week I'll meet my goal, I'll also have lost 13lbs in ten days. How spectacular.
Hmm...thinking I've got too much to do to rest right now....will put on jacket instead.

Soon I' will be back on track with your blogs, and you'll be seeing comments.
Hugs and willpower all around.

All the H's sound like Hell

*Tear.
Thanks Prozzy and Peri for your comments. You guys are fantastic, and I find myself looking over them to give me the push I need sometimes.

So.....

700 cals in two days....if I don't eat tonight. Can you imagine how long its been since I've been able to control my eating that much? A while, to say the least.
I'm not supposed to be eating on this cleanse, but last night was V's b-day and so I had a tiny( I really do mean tiny) slice of cake, and I ate around all of the icing. Today I almost got away with it, but we went out to eat for lunch. Had a plain salad and a half of a grilled potato of which I had about 5 pieces of lettuce and a third of the potato.
I've been drinking the 'lemonade' non-stop, and it makes my tummy feel strange, but I contribute that to the cayenne.
Oh no! I hear.....pasta and pizza for dinner. Maybe I can cry off....pretend my stomach hurts or something. It's after 7 and I don't want to eat.
Feeling tired.
Well I got my stuff for my Max costume and I'm super excited. Don't know what i'm going to carve on my pumpkin.....ugh.
I just feel like going to sleep......
Oh damn pumpkin seeds...so tasty...so forbidden.
Alright me hearties...have a good night, morning, afternoon. I will post later.

Bullshitting

I'm starting the cleanse today instead of monday. Because I can.

Its rainy and gloomy, which I love.
I've been thinking about the beset way to pull the wool over people's eyes about what I've been eating. And I've never had to waste food before but I think I may have to start leaving evidence around. I don't like being forced to eat, or pressured to eat.

Sometimes I think I just want to go on living as I have. Being depressed and upset, unable to focus, cold, and unsociable. But only because I have been that way for so long I can't really deal with happy, carefree and loving. But there is that tiny kernel of myself that doesn't want to be...me anymore. I want to go out and feel happy. I want to stop over thinking and bask in the moments of life.
And lately I've begun to realize that I wont be happy when I'm thin.....not mentally happy. Yes I'll be able to walk confidently into stores, and yes my chest will be a regular size..I hope. But...I'll always hate myself. I struggle with that, and I struggle with...trying to be a stable person.

I don't want to go on any anti-depressants, though it has been recommended. I want to be strong enough to work through it all.
That's what it's all about in the end isn't it? Strength. Willpower. Dedication.
One day people will be proud of me.
But even more important. One day I'll be proud of myself.

Whew....

What has it been....two three weeks?

Fail Fail Fail.

I can't get my weight to stay at a constant EVER. Can someone tell me why? I feel fucked. I feel like I can't do the right things to make my body listen.
But whatever.

Starting cleanse next week, just wanted to let you all know I'm not dead exactly.
I've been more successful at choosing how much I eat, and when, when I'm here. But can't wait to reset my body again. Walking about 4 miles per day now...jogging about one of those four.

Going as Max ( WTWTA) for halloween. Was going to go as Chun Li seeing as I've got the thunderthighs down pat.
Blah.
NO I haven't been reading and I need to catch up. Yes I still care about you all
Missed you

<3

Thoughts in Trainwreck

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Only big girls give up

I'm having trouble Bs-ing my friend. She makes sure I eat.....

3 and a quarter mile walk today. I wanted to finish that off with a bowl of strawberries and be done for the night. But I couldn't get by with that.

So I had leftover Chinese....eggplant and white rice.

Last night I consumed a lot of alcohol, but I didn't eat...until I got back. UGH.

Tomorrow I'm getting back on track and saying NO!
I've resisted cookies, and HIGH fat things. I've been good with the water, besides last night. Snacking is down. Exercise is up.
I'm going to try walking 9 miles tomorrow over the course of the day. I'm going to plan out every meal so I know exactly the amount of calories I'm taking in.

I've had the urge to purge very frequently, but so far haven't because I'm afraid of questions.

I'm also doing really good with the times I eat. I'm realizing it's easier not to eat a t night if I eat at 6 and have enough water to drown a whale.

WE CAN DO IT!!!

Skinny Mini and fabulous!

Quickies

Last night's dinner was about 660 cals. I added about 100 cals for good measure since I'm not sure.

Breakfast today was 400 even.
I was sad about that because I remember when my whole day consisted of no more than 500 cals.

I'm at193 this morning, down two pounds. But I don't feel like it.

Operation 13lb Drop

1. No more than 1200 cals a day.
2. Only veg or fruit for snack. Granola, rice, flax, or brown rice snacks also allowed
3. Water tea or cider for drinks
4. No cookies, no candy, no sweet sweet starbucks
5. 90 mins of cardio 4 times a week, plus any yoga I can fit in
6. Bed always before 12
7. No afternoon naps
8.Always follow the serving size, never go over, under is fine.

I really need to cut back on cheese even though I LOVE it. Also since I'm living with a chef and former sports medicine expert I can't get away with starvation as much as I used to. I can fake a lot but I'm not one to waste. There will be cooking and dinner parties and on those days I really need to watch my intake, and get in some serious exercising before eating. I don't like seeing the numbers on the scale go down if I'm not out there kicking my butt with some physical activity. It's like cheating.

Edit:
Went to rec center swam about 30 mins....god I'm lame. Going for a walk. Gained 5lbs lost 2 in a day. WTF body. WTF

Fresh Starts

Well everyone, I'm here. At my friend's house. With a new room and new family. New goals, new enthusiasm, new everything.

She has a scale. A beautiful scale that looks like a glass a chrome alter with beautiful digital numbers that beep promisingly and calculate wonderfully.

This month's start is 195lbs.

I vow to never again see that number on the scale after this weekend.

Today's intake:
1 apple
2oz cheddar cheese
handful of kettle chips
...cookie 100 cals
chips again...150cals
water only.

Nothing more until dinner which promises to be healthy. Dinner is a family affair here, but one with many choices.
The distance around the neighborhood is 1.2 miles. There's a lake and the distance around that is about 4 miles. I have no shortage of tools at my grasp here. I don't feel pressure, I don't feel hate.

Since I left a day early, I called my sister last night to see what my mom thought of me being gone. My sister said that my mother was going to take me out to eat since it would be my last night there. I laughed. To me that seemed like the ultimate insult. Lets celebrate me kicking you out with no place to go.

Thanks ma.

I told the internetz boy that I wouldn't be able to talk to him for a month or so. But now I realize it's going to be much longer. I still have to do basic training after I loose some weight...which could be 2 and a half months after that. I didn't tell him about moving here which actually gives me the chance to talk to him when ever I want. But I need to focus. I need to put aside being lazy and unaware. He'll be around, he wont crumble and die. And neither will I.

It hurts though. And maybe that's good for me. I miss him already.

So I'm back on track and ready to loose. My goal for this month is the same as last. 13lbs

Thank you again everyone for the support. I hope you're enjoying the fall.

Back On The Horse

Try Harder, try harder.

After moping about yesterday, I realized that I wasn't going to let my body win. I'd been letting it do whatever it wanted for the longest time, and I promised myself I would never let it get that bad again.

So I'm ready for the next couple of months. I'm so inspired by the rest of you who have been here, and have taken your bodies closer and closer to perfection. I will follow by example and not give up or cry just because I can't get what I want right away.

I have something to strive for, I can be better than fat people. I will be slim lines and sleek beauty. I will be stark bones and angles that create the only illusion I love. Perfection.

I guess I should update everyone on my...living status. I'm going to join the Army, or the Navy I'm not sure yet, and I need to loose major pounds, but we already knew that. I also have to finish up my community service before I'm able to sign anything.
My friend V's parents were pretty much appalled by all the shit going on in this house and offered me a place to stay. They're kind of rich. But also they were in the military so they're really letting me stay on the basis that I'd be going into a service. Which I don't mind, I just feel really awkward about living with them....but that's all on me. V keeps calling to reassure me that everything will be cool. So I'm not going to NY this friday girls.....I'm leaving here tomorrow. Hopefully to never return.

Thank you all so much again and again, Id have lost my mind many many times without the support and confident words. All of you are my thinspiration so hang in there with me and one day I'll be like you because I have followed behind you.

Y'all Rock My World
<3

I am F.A.T.

Failing At Life.

It seems like everyone is getting knew scales and finding out the weight they lost is a lie. The same goes for me. I HAVEN'T LOST ANY WEIGHT FOR A MONTH.

Today I weighed in at 198 at the recruiting office. Not 189 like the scale told me this morning. That's a 10lb difference.
WTF am I doing wrong!!!!!!
I eat well......Hmm. That's the problem. I eat. Even if it's veggies. All those times I've slipped. All those times I didn't get out the bad food like I know I should have.

I started out september at 198. I'm ending it at the same. I want to cry. I wan to scream. I want to lay down and die.

WHY CAN'T I BE THIN? WHY CAN'T I BE BEAUTIFUL? WHY WHY WHY?

How can I have failed so much? I'm so depressed about this. I've struggled and it was for nothing. I'm just going to be a big fat blob of shit forever.

I guess my clothes fitting loosely was all in my head. I didn't feel any thinner, an dI should have listened tom y instincts.

What am I going to do?

Now I remember why I feel like I failed

Yesterday started out good. Then I was watching Drop Dead Diva and I got really upset because Its not fair when fat people look beautiful. I feel like I'm ugly and fat, and even when I'm thin, if ever, I'll never bee pretty enough.

So I binged on pumpkin pie. The sad part about that is, the pie tasted like crap..wasn't even worth it.
Purge the pie she said. So I did.
Then went out and ate pizza at a pizza buffet. 4 slices, small pieces, but still 4! Cheesy bread cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers. Water all night. A tiny brownie, 1/4 of a cinnamon bun.

FAIL

Came home, and chilled...felt hungry and resisted. That is...I resisted until 1am. Then I proceeded to stuff my face with peanut butter and crackers.

Nothing to eat today until 2pm. Stuffed myself with half of a vegi-bowl. Which had guac on it. FAT FAT FAT.
More crackers and pb.
WATER WATER WATER.

I've got a small head cold, and it's pissing me off. I don't want to eat for teh rest of the day. I've been really enjoying the rumble of my stomach, and the pain. For some reason though I keep putting things into my mouth.
Tomorrow I go to the recruiting office. I would be the saddest thing if even the military didn't want me.

Last night I had another break down to the internetz boy. I tend to be quite alright with the idea of killing myself. It doesn't bother me, in fact it seems fated to be. But he says no. The world is full of madness, and some times he's the anchor that holds my pieces together, some times he's the chain tangled around my ankle, dragging me into the sea.
I want to spend a lot of time with him, but maybe you guys can understand the fear of relying on someone too much. You never know if they're going to be around in the end, and I'm not one to put myself out there like that. I just want him to understand that he's really close to me, but I'll never let him know everything. I think it's fear of rejection even though he tells me nothing could change his opinion of me. Maybe its embarrassment, he doesn't know what I'm dealing with concerning my mom.
Mostly its because I'm a fatty. I want to be perfect. I want to be thin and toned and beautiful, and as ethereal as a willow tree.
I don't want him to build up an image in his head, of who I am and then I'm a big disappointment. He loves my brain, I want him to love my body too. Because I can't.

Anyway, starting to feel more icky than usual. Going to drink more tea....uuuggghhh

Didn't shed a tear.

Yesterday I got a reprieve. My best friend V came and we rode around the city with our friend J. They gave me a crazy beverage called Drank(110cals per serv) and it was pretty damn good. Also smoked a little, which was nice.

Those two really care about me, they're like you guys. My extended non-related family. They basically gave me some really tough love last night about my idea to go to NY. I don't want to die...or be pimped out. Was I really stupid for thinking it could work out? With 24$ in my pocket. It seems so dumb now. They were really angry at me, more at my mom though. Supposedly I could have asked the court for a mental evaluation on my mother before she took me to court. that would have been hilarious.

So we're back to the military. I don't have a problem with the idea, I just felt like I had no other options and I was sick of relying on others. I need to prove that I can do life on my own. So I'm going down to the the recruitment office for the navy, supposedly they take fattys. I hope I can get everything squared away before the week is up. I due to be out friday ain't I?

I did get very hungry at about 11 last night but I refused to eat since I had eaten some pad thai earlier. They give you such big portions of that stuff! I ate about half. Also a milky way 270cals.
Got on the scale this morning, and I'm so grateful to actually see a number, the number is my goal for this month. Yay me for loosing 13 lbs!

Now I'm at 190lbs. UGH such a big gross number, but I'm finally loosing weight, which I haven't been able to do for months. I want to be at 150 by christmas. 40lbs? can I do it? Hell yes!

Thank you all so very much for your support and ideas I heart you girls!

Rofl...ironically

Thanks girls for the tips on leg workout, I've done some with Jillian and omg! She's really tough, but I feel good after.

My family is a bunch of assholes. I'm not just saying that to bitch, it's the sad, sad truth.
I leave for NY next friday. I hope I wont be on the streets too long, I'm going to be busting my ass finding a job. Until I do find one I'll be selling my crafts.

I'm kind of looking forward to homelessness, only because I'll loose weight. It seems very wrong in a small part o f my brain that I'm happy about my situation, but these sorts of things demand courage and maybe a little foolishness.

I still doing very well on calories. I haven't eaten past 7pm tonight. Though that is good, I wish I had more energy to take myself to the gym. I'm giving myself a little leeway because of the stress. Haven't been on the scale still, getting a bit ansty about that. Almost all of my clothes feel loose, but not loose enough.
I really really want my breasts to get smaller, sometimes I feel like cutting them off.
Every time I feel hungry I grab my fatty areas and say 'does fatty want to eat?' it works very well as a deterrent.

Doing my best, and thinking thin.

I'll get that far

Three days, and mother nature has freed me. Awesome!

So I haven't been on the scale in three days. Its not because I haven't been eating well. I'm at about 500 a day, usually under that number. I don't want to get on it because I don't trust it. I can see the weight coming off in certain places, but not in the places I want.

Anyone have good workouts for leg toning? My legs are the size of cows.

My savior has been frozen blueberries. I eat them for a snack instead of munching on tortilla chips. Still struggling with late night eating, but last night I had the chance to eat curly fries and I gave 3/4 of them to my sister. That's like 7 fries. They actually weren't that good, and I kept pinching my fat which made me really loose my appetite.

How is everyone doing?

Imbalanced

So I don't think I binged. Snacks=whole wheat crisps. Energy bar. Lots of brown rice and red beans. Water. Frozen blueberries. Toast.

My head has been happy. My stomach hasn't been bloated. My weight hasn't gone up. I still get ravenous during the night though. and my face has decided to get really spotty lately.

Hmm. Well I stood up to my mom and you know what she said? 'Sometimes you guys just don't realize how hard my life is'

I'm not joking. No seriously. She said that.

Nothing really to tell of...my hair is long enough to do something with finally.

Be strong everyone, things are going to get easier. I've found out that with just one person by your side, nothing seems crazy nothing seems impossible and you have the strength to breathe without guilt.

Bollocks

I had 30 days from the 16th to leave my mother's property.

I told her I was leaving on the 2nd of october.

She comes to me today and is like I want you to take a drug test if you want to stay till the 2nd. Some how she thinks I had 10 days from the 16th. I had ten days to appeal the ruling at court. I'm beyond appalled that she thinks she can do this.

First off I'm clean. Secondly she asked my sister to take one saying 'since you guys are hanging out and smoking I want you to take on too' As if somehow my hanging out with my sister is turning her into a raging drug addict. They're my sister's cigs! I have no money you stupid cunt, how the fuck can I buy anything?

It wouldn't be a big deal to me if I were staying the rest of the 30 days, or until the end of the year. But she's saying if I want to stay until the agreed upon date of 10/02 I have to take her test, or leave next friday instead. BALLS ABSOLUTE BALLS.

Good Sparrow

Dinner: Raisins brussel sprouts and brown rice.

All I know is that I had a serving of the sprouts which is 65 cals. Idk about the rice or rasins. I ate slowly and until I got bored. Had a coffe with sugar and cream, a slice of whole grain bread with butter and jam, strawberries and bite of whole wheat bagel with butter. Then munched on chex mix.

Remembering all of that makes me sick. But there's nothing I can do about it now. It can't have been that bad right? Not big quantities just....bad foods. Tomorrow is another day.

Owwwwwiiieee

Ah! There she is. Stupid late natural monthly pain in my OWWWWW.

Ughh. Waking up to cramps is one way to make a girl very cranky.

Good news, the grapes stayed down. So did the turkey sandwich and the buttered toast with jam.

Today I went to help my sister's friend build some set pieces for a play the school is putting on. So yeah, back to high school. I didn't feel so bad cause most of the girls in the drama depot. at this school are not pretty, thin maybe, but awkward. I don't know why I didn't anticipate lunch which was pizza. The bane of my life. So I spent 5 minutes eating one piece then promptly had a panic and purged.
I've only had a twizzler and a pink starburst since.

Got home a weighted myself even though I said I'd stay away from the scale. Couldn't get it to give me a number, but it flashed through so many that I panicked again and instead of eating I took a nap.

And now you're all caught up.

Haven't talked to internetz boy in two days. Mostly because I can't stay up as late as I usually do, and also because he's 3 hours behind in Maple Syrup land. Then I get offline messages that say 'god I wish you were here' and its like wtf do I say to that, and I have to punch my stupid heart for getting excited. I'm so afraid I'm using this kid so salve my own grievances with abandonment and not getting enough hugs when I was little. But shatter that theory to pieces and the reality is that I care for him. Not love him, I can't handle that. I feel happy when I talk to him. I feel normal because he understand me easily. I also really want to jump his bones. Sometimes I'll be walking along and see something and all of a sudden I'm thinking about living with him, what it would be like. Its just a fantasy, but a scary one that I'd rather not be having.
I want us to stay as we are without any complications, but it's going to get complicated. It's going to be a disaster.

Well those are my thought patterns for the night. I am reading ladies but I know you don't need a comment on every post. If you're reading I hope you're enjoying. No comments needed but I orgasm a little every time I get one :]

Different Strokes

Cereal: purge
Ice cream: purge
Tuna sandwich: purge

Gym: burned 305 cals + weights.

Sitting here eating grapes wondering if I'm going to make myself purge those too. In all I had a really good day. Got lots of laundry done cleaned the living room and kitchen again. It looks like shit, again. so I'll be cleaning that up tomorrow, again.

Had a thought in the shower.

Emotions are ridiculous and untrustworthy. One never knows what emotions are manipulated by. Feelings are absolute and different from emotion. Feelings are what to go by. I can say I'm in love. But that I never ever believe. I love my cats, I love cartoons, I love fashion.

If I feel love then it is something strong and consuming. I feel love when I stare up at the night sky. I feel love when I hear music. That is what I trust because it is constant and absolute.

Be strong girls, I'm here you're here, and tomorrow is another day.

Add on: I just heard my mother barfing and thought: good she needs to loose some weight.
Is that wrong?

The Lies?

Can you trick a scale? Make it say you're 6lbs lighter?

I got on the scale this morning and I had to step on and off 4 times. I think it's broken at this point, but not knowing for sure makes me sick. I only got one number out of those four times, that number was my goal for this month, but now I'm freaking out.

I want to weight myself again. I don't want to see the number. What if I really have lost that weight? What if I'm 10 thousand pounds heavier from the pizza last night? Its enough to make me binge....and there's ice cream in the house.

I'm pulling out my hair here!

But I also woke up hungry, and I'm still hungry. Go me!!!

And then

I ate three more *hangs head in shame*

The gym tomorrow, I promise Ana

Stop at two

Two pieces of pizza, both thin crust, one with all the toppings picked off. I have no idea how many cals that is.

The best and worst thinspiration: going back to high school. Every girl there looked so good, it made me feel like a fat ugly skank. I wish I looked so fresh and young. Is it sad that being 20 makes me feel old?

When I actually went to school I didn't care how people thought of me, I don't regret that, but I wish I had cared more about how I looked. I wish I had thought about being thinner, working harder. Now I'm stuck at gross fatty. *sigh*

The weight isn't coming off fast enough. I know it's partly because I haven't been back to the gym, and also its retaining water from pms. I've been good with my food, except today, so wtf.

Ugh I need to go out drinking and dancing. Why does no one in this town have any weed? Or acid....

Not soggy

Today I've had 135 calories. I had no idea I could eat cucumbers without guilt(5 cals per 6 slices). Plus the low fat asian dressing is 70 cals per 2 tbs, then a half serving of baked tortilla chips, 60 cals.

I had a nibble of the healthiest muffin you could imagine, but I threw the rest away because I didn't want to spoil my good day so far.

I don't feel hungry, which is such an improvement from last week when I couldn't stop eating. Still no monthly, maybe it will pass me by this time?

Willpower and beauty to you all. Btw I'm still a fat cow but I look good in this shirt. KAPOW. Take that fatty!

Well....today

So court wasn't bad. I thought I was going to cry or feel queasy, but I was good. The internetz boy helped me a lot last night. I was feeling extremely suicidal, and he talked me down.

The judge asked me if I agreed that my mom should evict me, and for some reason I said yes. But I only regretted it for 20 mins after. I could have told the judge about the fucked up things that go on. About how I'm the least of my mother's worries considering my brother steals her car keys about three times a month. But....I just don't care anymore. I would have left if I could, left my mom's. Now I have no choice once she gets the papers.

I also realized today, that you can't love someone who doesn't want your love.

So when we left my mom was playing at 'poor me' sniffling and sighing and rubbing her head. I just kept my focus out the window.
I've been ready to go, and I feel like I can do it. I believe it, and I think that's the first step. I can't fail if I don't want to.

I got on the scale and I'm horrified that I'm waffling between two numbers. Though I did eat some mac and cheese last night, there's no way I should have gained a pound again. I really can't trust the scale. I drank some more salt water, ITS AWFUL. So terrible. I want to throw up with the memory of how bad it was. But I get panicky thinking about the food in my body.

I feel icky though.....maybe I'm getting sick? I think so, my screen just suddenly turned pink.

Be strong ladies. I know its hard right now, but it will get better, and you will get stronger thinner prettier. Day by day. Thanks everyone for the support and comments, You guys are my family and I <3 you all.

Tosser

I have tolerance for physical pain.

But mental? NO thank you. Which is awkward because I've delt with this sort of abuse for years....a decade come December.
My monthly hasn't shown up yet, and I think its making me pay by trying to turn me mad.

Today I ate 320 calories.
Yesterday I made a banana last for 10 minutes.

What happened to the all liquid fast, you say? I'm a failure that's all I can come up with. I haven't been to the gym. I've literally slept all day.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
And its not just me. Everyone seems in a terrible slump. Do you think it's the weather? The changing of the season? Fall was my most favourite season. I don't feel as if I'm enjoying it at all.

We are people who are, not really, so bad. We have dreams, expectations. We love, laugh and cry. But I wonder something.
People say bad things happen to bad people. Well what does society do when bad things happen to go people. They lock them up obviously. Put them away in hospitals, yell at them, force them. I already hate myself, why do I need the whole world to do it as well?

I'm outside sitting on a balcony. Wondering why I haven't jumped. Thinking, well it's to close to the ground for me to properly kill myself. I'm not even going to try.
I would much rather talk about how strong I've been, or the fun I've had. But then I would be lying.

You know what? I need something more substantial that hope. Less illusive, and a much better listener. I crave something deeper than words, stronger than hate, more profound than confidence. I need no where near normal, far flung and cosmic. I don't need lights and sound and action if they're going to pollute my heart.

Thrill seeker

I had a few spoons of soup in all, maybe a half cup. A serving is a whole cup, but I watered it down before I ate it.

And I was fine, until it started getting dark. It seems night just triggers my hunger. I'm upstairs now so that I don't eat. When I was downstairs near the kitchen I kept going in and opening the fridge and the pantry, the cupboards. There's not much but I could hear the voice: 'just a little of this, just a handful of cereal, one boiled egg can't hurt'. I feel better for resisting, I don't need the ordeal of guilt that comes with eating, not today. I'm better than that.

Yay for strength, I pass it around to all of you.

Feeling sleepy.

Stronger than yesterday, stronger tomorrow.
Thin is in ladies!

Well...

Today is going much better. Last night I ate, and ate and ate because I decided I needed to get the taste of food out of my way.
Today I couldn't go to the gym because I don't want to find myself too far away from my toilet since I seemed to have unknowingly given myself a clean out.
Be warned: drinking a pint of salt water is every much like an enema or colonic.

No solids today and up until now its all been water and lime water with molasses. Right now im drinking 80 cal soup. The fam is planning on steak and guac.

I can't seem to get clean enough. Not my surroundings, or my body. I've become obsessed. It gives me something to do, though instead of wondering about food.

I felt a few pulls towards the forbidden zone but I've been strong and I've been chewing gum. Also I don't want to sleep anywhere but in the closet. Maybe I'm getting dementia.....

Oh....toilet, sorry

Still not good enough

The joke's on me.

I'm in an emotional state. If I cry, please forgive me.

I'm a fat horrible cow chaining people to my simple threats and idiocy. Inaction, desperation, depression, and lies.
I hate lying. I have paranoia. I have to choke on every emotion and make sure I don't let it slip. Because it will dribble out thick and revealing like blood.

I hate when people do things for me. I'll never be free because I'm weak, and terrible and cowardly.

I'm in pain

F and U

I finally found a new site that's going to keep me strong. There's a Mary-Kate challenge that I want to do.

Some people get put off by the image of very thin women. 60 lbs and lower. But I just wish I was in their shoes.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Test: how long can I stay at the gym?
Aim: 3 hours

Life is about fail.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

I really really can't stop. Since I wrote about going to the gym, I haven't been back until yesterday. I stayed for a pathetic 20 minutes because I couldn't bear working out while a guy was there. I got in one lap! ONE! And weight lifting but still! ARGH

Intake: 2 trillion calories(pizza, pizza, pizza, rice, turkey, fat fat fat, eggs, butter, biscuits fat fat fat)

On my way home I looked down and saw how much my thighs jiggle. I wanted to cry. I felt so very very awful. I covered my legs with my jacket and walked the rest of the way slowly.

My mother has high blood pressure. She gave herself a concussion. She's an idiot. Since she found out she had high blood pressure shes: gone to Mcdonald's twice, eaten fried chicken, and made FRIED corn for breakfast. With the fried corn she had cabbage rice and beans and sausage. I almost puked.

So me being the fat ass I am, I tried some of the corn. I want to throw up. I CAN'T STOP EATING.
The monthly mistress is on her way, and I know that is the cause of this. Even after I eat until I'm full, I still want something else 10 minutes later.

WHY?

Bread, sugar, WHITE FLOUR, rice are the devil.

I have resisted those things for so long. But I've eaten so much toast. A loaf and a half it feels like. Tea with sugar. Pasta Pasta Pasta. GOD

Stuffstuffstuffstufffstuff My face.

Through the midst of this I've been taking laxies like candy, because I can't shake the paranoia. The scale wont read right, which is okay because I'm to afraid to get on it anyway. Bloated, Bloated, Bloated.

Depressed.

Next week is no solids. I can't do this anymore. The only things to eat here are meat and bread and pasta. I'm not giving in and I still need to loose 7 pounds. 7 in two weeks.
Ugh I'm stressed beyond relief.

I've got to go to court AGAIN because of the eviction thing. I just want to barf all over the place. I want to sit in a corner and cry and cry and cry.

I wish, so BADLY, that I were someone better. Someone prettier. Someone without a fucked up family.
I have someone who thinks he loves me, and all I can tell myself is 'don't fall for him' because it will end up so horribly. I just know he'll hate me. He's in love with the image of me, my brains, my concepts, my humor and love of gore.
He's never seen my picture. I've seen his and he's soooo gorgeous. I feel like a fat pig. A giggling fat pig.
I'm horrified by the thought of him seeing me.

I'm such a bad human.

Passion

I know there are days when all you do is sit around, and from the fridge comes the call. FOOOOOD EAAAT.

Well I say nay because I keep myself busy. How do I do such a thing you ask? Friends, I craft.

I specialize in fiber craft, knitting and crocheting. Now I know it sounds old fashioned or even boring. But it's not boring, it takes up a lot of time and focus.

Here is an example of the coolness I speak of.

Beth Doherty:


Genius right? So cute. Go check the rest of her Flickr Gallery at Gourmetamigurumi.com

How about Roxiecraft? She's doing a crochet along for this cute ass panda


Over at Creativeyarn.blogspot.com:


Are you a Harry Potter Fanatic like me? Check out this pattern at rosemary.craftborg.com


And if you can't stop thinking about food head over to amilist.blogspot.com for food patterns like this:



So...I just sit around and crochet cute things. Crochet is fast and easy to learn. I learned by watching youtube videos The dolls take about a day per one once you get the hang of it. But you could make killer hats, blankets, cardis, scarves. Whatever you want. Pick a project that will keep your hands busy, and your mind off of that cake in the fridge. Tell your friends that you can't go out to eat with them because you have to finish a hat for someone. Go out to wal-mart and pick up some 2.00$ yarn and a 3.75 size needle. Rip up some old stuffed animals for fiber-fill or cotton. And get started.

Allo

Thank you guys for the comments they lift my spirits and I can laugh. My mother is crazy, non? Ah I remember when I used to make excuses for her, so that it wouldn't be so personal. But that time has past.
I got back on the demon scale and I hadn't lost 7, but I did loose another 2. That's six so far this month. 7 more and I'll meet my goal. This means that I'm finally breaking through my plateau.
The harder I work the better I feel.

I've decided that I don't believe in water weight. When I use laxatives what comes out isn't water. Its all the bad food that I put in my body. So while some of it is water, I think 'water weight' is just something made up by people who want to sell us their diet pills and bars and drinks. I'm sick of companies like that.
Loose weight fast!
You're not loosing fast enough!
Loose weight the healthy way!

You know the healthy way is 2lbs a week? I don't subscribe to that brand of crazy.
I say, leave me alone. I live in a country where I am free to control my body and how I treat it. Of all the lies in this world I have something true and constant. My struggle against food.
Bleh to all the rest.

Anyway people, I enjoy reading all of your blogs, I will leave comments where indicated.
Think Thin!

Tricky tricky

So I just got on the scale again and apparently I've lost 7 pounds in about 8 hours.....FUCKING SCALE.

Things....and such

I just finished soaking my boobs in ice water for ten minutes. I hear it's supposed to keep em perky and round.
Went to the gym with my sister today, the only problem with that is that she's about 70 pounds heavier than me so I only got to stay for about 45 mins which was not a complete workout.

I've had broth and bean sprouts to eat all day plus two little packets of crackers. Broth is 80 cals per serving...and I had about 4.

I am freeezing right now.

Ok so I just want to rant a little bit. My mother is ALWAYS harping on about my weight. Saying things like 'Well I can loose 5lbs in a week, you want to challenge me?' My mom can't loose shit, and I know this because she made me post my weight along side hers for a month after my colonic. She stays between 185 and 188. So then she goes and buy the hollywood 48 hour diet. I laughed sooo hard when I saw it. She was like 'I'm going on a juice diet'. Hilarious.
She didn't even use it as directed. Basically she just drank it like it was regular juice and ate whatever she wanted.
Then she comes home with real veg last night and tells me to ask before I use them because she want to maek sure she gets some and that they are cooked in a way that she can eat them. HOW THE FUCK CAN I COOK VEG IN A WAY YOU CAN'T EAT EM? Cuz they're broiled or grilled and not sauteed in butter? Because I make veggie burgers that even my sister says are good?
Shes twat. She knows I don't eat meat, and frozen veggies are so tasteless that I refuse to eat them. She's such a.....hypocrite. And a lier...such a lier.

I was walking around in a bad mood because I thought I had gained back the weight I had gained. Last night I binged again, though I too some laxies cuz I was too tired to barf. But the scale went down again so I feel much better.
I wan to be able to loose 13lbs by october. I want it so badly. I want to start being thin and not wondering if I will be. You guys and your blogs and comments, thinspo and pro-ED sites keep me going but I think I need more help. Anyone interested in being a txting buddy or just my online buddy? I need someone to compete with I think.

Hungry Hungry Hungry
Must stay hungry!

Mia is back

And I'm glad because today was a binge day.
And also a purge day.
Earlier today I went for a walk and then I came home and:

Had a serving of whole wheat pasta with avocado and tomato
3 salt and vinegar chips
2 almonds
1 brazil nut

Then I decided to have a tofu ice cream sandwich. Half of which I chewed a few times then spit out.

Then later I had a chicken tortilla and celery with peanut butter. Some more chips.
And then I threw it up until my stomach hurt.

When I got dressed this morning I couldn't see past the fat. I felt so depressed and ugly. Every step I took I could feel the fat of my thighs moving and I wanted to cry. I was walking along the sidewalk and a guy was coming the other way and he stepping into the grass instead of walking right past me. I felt like a fat skank who was making the ground shake with every step. So I walked as fast as I could to get to another path and i didn't look at him.

The good side of today is that my pants don't fit....I mean I look frumpy if I wear them, so that makes me feel good. Also with throwing up my second meal I think I'm down to 500cals for the day but I can't be sure.

Over @ Quest For Perfection, Kat is doing the 0-2-4-6-8 diet but I don't think I can do that without blowing everything. Even the easiest diets elude me. Maybe I should try harder....hmm.

She's almost perfect to me. I love her stomach and hip bones.

Even though....

I didn't binge.
It was all vegetarian
It was less than 100cals

I feel like I failed. I wanted to be strong. And was....to the point where my sister told me I had serious problems. But no one was home and ....and I didn't stop to think. And before I knew it I felt like I was going to puke.
Even the tiny bit I ate, all terribly good for you nutrition wise.....ugh.

Today and yesterday have been great because of how little I do eat in terms of calories. I burn them off, but it never seems like enough. It will never be enough if I want to reach my goal by the end of the year.
I need to remember that.

Is anyone looking for a txting or messaging buddy? I need help.

****
Few hours later...
Went to work out, feel sooo much better.
I was down another pound before I went out, so I'm looking forward to loosing some more. Down 4lbs total from the 8 I already lost.
Want to drop the last 6 by tuesday.

Strong Will

Hey readers.
I have made it half a day with 0, count 'em, 0 calories. You know what is keeping me going? Thinspo. Pics Pics Pics
I'm not hungry, but I'm afraid that if I go into the kitchen I'll eat. So I'm going for a bike ride later.

I told my boy last night that I hated him and was totally jealous of him not eating. He told me that I shouldn't be because we're built different. I can tell him anything, and he makes it better if its all wrong and terrible.

Mmm....rumbling stomach. Feels good to be hungry. I don't want to put anything in my mouth today or tomorrow. Or the next day.

I feel good.

I'm going to share something with you. I feel like you wont judge me too much, and you deserve to know.

My highest weight was 216.
Appalling isn't it?

I'm applying for a job at a resort in Wyoming. How do you think that is going to work out? There's another job in UT. Is it playing make believe to think I can get a job so far away?
Hmm...no point if I don't try.
Starting to feel disoriented...gonna go. I love reading all of your blogs. Please keep posting and keep starving.

Hot Lanta

I have heartburn.
I went to workout and it was intense. I can actually run a mile now, so I feel good about that.

I was really inspired by all of the thinspo I've been looking at. Also all of you guys make me want to be better and stronger. I ate a serving of honey roasted peanuts after working out for the protein. I feel bad about that.

My stomach is empty, my resolve is strong.
Ever wonder why every other commercial is about food or weight loss? Its so wrong.

I will try and go three days eating only safe foods or nothing. My internet boy told me today he thinks he's anorexic because he hasn't eaten in three days.

I hated him then. I hated him because he hadn't eaten and all I can think about is food. I hated him because he's a boy and he'll loose so much weight without even trying.

So I'm letting that jealousy fuel my eating and working out.
I kept telling my self I was weak, and worthless, and I had no willpower. That made me go longer and harder, not stopping until I proved that voice wrong. I don't need food. I don't take orders.
Karen Carpenter didn't take orders from food.

Beacuse I don't take orders from food

Some stuff

I want to say thank you to everyone! You guys really keep me going.

So far I've been good with food today. Half a bagel and gatorade. I know, the sugar but I needed a boost.

So I'm looking for a job anywhere really. I live in Northern Virginia if anyone wanted to stalk me. My first plan was to move to NY and get busy stripping or being an escort until I could get a job as a waitress or cooking because I went to school to be a chef, and fuck me if I don't use the skills. But my sister told me she has a friend who has an extra room I can rent, and she's trying to get me a job at the place she works at.
I'm not super excited about the prospect of living in a shelter, but there's really no other way if this all falls through. And I think it will make me grow up a little.

I wonder if that's what I really need. I've always been responsible and hard working. How do I need to grow up.....I should really think about that.

Anyway, I'm out getting rid of all the stuff I cant take with me, which is just about everything. I don't mind, it feels like I'm clearing my head too. I feel proud of myself for not giving up and dissolving into tears. Crying is something I couldn't control, but I'm never going to cry again. Tears don't get you shit.

Anyway I better get back.

Bad Sparrow.

Not only did i eat a cock sized meat dog today. I had butter and cheese and chicken and white flour tortillas!

Emotional overeating much?

Andy tips for a late night eater? All day long I don't need to eat but as soon as 8pm rolls around I get hungry enough to pig out.

I'm still hoping to loose 8lbs again this week. It doesn't look good, but I' am determined.

The internetz boy makes me want to be even more beautiful.

What are you guys up to?

Bitchin'

Not really.

So my mom had me served with eviction papers. Usually I would be crying and tearing my hair out. But I don't feel anything.

I know I'm not a bad person.

Right now I want to die. I want to stop being in this sort of pain.

I don't know what to do. I have NO money. I have about 81 cents in my bank account. I'm thinking of stealing some things so I can pawn them for money.

I need to get out of town and I think there's a 10$ bus that can take me to NY and from there I think I can get a job.

Am I strong enough? Do I care enough to go on?

What sort of person does this? I asked her if she realized how crazy she sounded, but she didn't think she sounded crazy at all.

If you have any suggestions, I need them now.

If she can do it.....

Ana.

The internetz boy. He....how do I say this. He supports my obsessions. He accepts me for what I am. The internetz boy starves his self too, and can't stand the sight of fat people.

When I told him my ideal weight, he said that sounded hot. Not creepy or too thin. It makes me want to work harder.
I'm very sad, my most favourite Pro-ana site is gone! I don't know what i'll do without it, none of them are as well put together as it.

I'm feeling very woozy so i'm going to go lay down.

Intake:
I class of lemon water: 60 cals
fat free egg white pasta, 1 serving with a little parmesan cheese and roasted eggplant: 240 cals

Failure:
1 tofu ice cream sandwich: 130 cals.

I wont eat for the next 18 hours. I promise Ana. I promise

Physics

For every good day, there is a worse one waiting in the wings.

I want to be strong. I want to be good
I want to be healthy, unconquered, and true
I want to have faith
I want no more horror
One day I'll get there
Though it wont be tomorrow
And not without sorrow
And not without help, hope, or determination.

Failing scares me more than dying.

What to do? What to do?

the internetz boy

We talked, kind of.

Both of our lives have gone to shit. He missed me. He made excuses. I almost cried.
Until I remembered that I don't cry anymore.

I don't know who's more full of shit. Him or me.

fuck

I want to thank you for the comments my last post. Soon I'm packing my shit and leaving, because I have an idea of what my life should be, and I have to find that before I crumble and break.

Pretty Simple Elegant

None of those words ever apply to fat people like me.

You know the fattest word I hate? Jovial. I hear it and instantly think santa-esque. Kill me.

So there's this boy. I know, I know....boy troubles.
I haven't spoken to him in about 8 months. I thought it was over. I thought I loved him and that he felt the same about me.
I got an email from him this morning. Nothing substantial. I don't know what to think.

In my life of struggle, I barely eat because I am so stressed out. Which is good and bad. The last two time I worked out for an hour and passed out when I was done. I guess blacked out, is a better word.
But as a plus, none of my clothes fit. Thank you Ana.
I'm finally going vegetarian and I'm very serious about it. One of the upsides it that my family doesn't buy a lot of health food. So I refuse to eat anything, if it's not vegetarian. I continue to loose weight I eat one meal about every 18 hours, and that is less than or equal to 800 cals. I work out 3 times a week for an hour.

I know I can get down to 500 cals a day, but what else do you suggest? I feel very stuck inside my fat body. I'll never bee thin like you guys. I'm so depressed.

My mom is trying to kick me out, but it's her fault I'm even here. I was on the deans list at college, then one day she calls up and says she's pulling ht loan she took out and that I'll just have to find my way.
That's how I ended up in Texas for a month. Because of her I have no job which means no money. I don't have a degree to show for all of my hard work, and I've been sleeping on a couch for 4 months. She's a bitch and I really hate the way she treats me. As if I'm not fucked up enough, I have Hitler for a mother. She's conniving and devious, and a hypocrite. She's the most fake person I know. She's full of shit.
I'm working on leaving before she can have the satisfaction of throwing me out. I literally have no where to go, and no way to get there. I did find a shelter, but I think I'd rather kill myself. I've been thinking about suicide a lot. The thought that this torment might one day end is the only thing that keeps my anxiety at bay. I think when no one is home I'm going to hook up the vacuum hose to the exhaust in one of the cars, and just sit inside while the car runs. I might even get all dressed up so I'm all ready to go into my grave when they find me. I don't feel bad about this because I'm doing it for me. I do hope she goes mad from the guilt, but I'm not holding my breath.
I just want the pain and confusion, the frustration and self-loathing to stop. I want her to go away.

Today

I had nothing but flax crackers and coffee for the whole day.....until dinner. I had a 240 cal energy bar. And about 8 ounces of roasted chicken....and a slice of bread.

I feel bloated and fat and disgusted. I don't know why I didn't just throw it all up after I ate, no one was watching.

Lately I've been really anxious and my heart feels like it's beating fast all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. My stomach is upset, it's hard to swallow. Ugh!

I just want to keep loosing weight, I just want to be thin! Why can't I be thin?!

Strength

The last two days have been amazing. I feel good about myself despite the emotional stress I'm going through.

In the past two days I maybe have had 500 cals at most.
Its almost the end of today, so I am feeling panicky about food. I know that when night rolls around I'll crave something bad for me.

Right now I''m trying to plan out a vegetarian meal so that I know I have the option to eat if I want it.
How is everyone else doing?

I've lost 8 pounds in the last week.

Stay strong!

More Info

While I was at the spa last Friday, I happened to pick up a book. It was called 'Eat To Live' by a Muslim prophet, I don't remember who. But I began to read through the first part of the book and realized how, restrictive it is. There were so many things you couldn't eat, or didn't want to because our bodies have such a hard time processing them. But what struck me as sort of ironic, was that the book said you should only eat one meal a day. The book also said that you would live longer if you could eat one meal every two or three days.

The teachings of this prophet are scary close to our own Ana creeds. Yet they are accepted. How is what we do wrong? Trying to better ourselves, stay healthy, live long? Keeping ourselves away from temptations, and gluttony. Gluttony is a deadly sin, yet this country is so Obese. So much for living after our puritanical founders. I hate the way this country work sometimes. Its frustrates me to no end. Anyway you can pick up a copy of that book maybe at a used book store but it was so old I'm not sure.

Down 3 lbs. How about you?

The battles.

I've lost 4 lbs in 3 days. Haven't weighed today.

I'm going vegetarian for the rest of my life. After my colonic I can't imagine putting that gross junk food stuff in my body.
So far it hasn't been hard to resist meat either, I've come up with some really creative ways to cook my veggies.
No Butter, only olive oil.
Also no white flour, no white sugar, no canned or frozen veggies. Only egg whites, goat cheese only. Also the lady at the spa told me the reason I had acne was because of chicken. Suffice to say my face has cleared up like magic after my day there.

Got caught shoplifting and now I have to go to court on Thurs. Scared. I haven't told anyone in my family yet and bile rises in my throat every time I think about it.

How are you guys?

update

Had a colonic yesterday and now I'm on detox for 2 weeks. I look great

How is everyone else doing?

No Spoilers Here?

Ok HP fans and fanatics. I am a happy girl today. Not only did I resist movie candy, but I also saw HBP last night at midnight. I was not disappointed.
I would say, personally, that this movie is better than the 4th or the 5th. We're getting back to the great scenes of 'The Sorcerer's Stone' and the creativity of ' The Prisoner of Azkaban'.
The only thing I would complain about would the the lack of piecing some very important points together conclusively. These points were introduced, and left for the watcher to wonder about until the end, when it popped up again with the answer, but no explanation.

Now for the Movie Eye Candy.

All of us are terribly in love with Ron(Rupert Grint), Draco(Tom Felton), and Neville(Matthew Lewis). Or maybe its just me about Neville.
You get to see plenty of Ron and Draco, but Neville was only in a few scenes and I guess you must content yourself with that until the 7th movie.
Ron, as usual, was comic relief which saddens me because he is very courageous and he's a person, not just a good laugh.
Draco really becomes the guy you love in this move. He has dark brooding scenes, and a hard decision to make, as we all know. By the end of this movie you just want to grab him up and hold him close. As if you didn't want to do that already, lol.

But a new face made me catch my breath. The role of Tom Riddle, sixteen, played by Frank Dillane(see pic). He's sinister mien and cold voice were a perfect asset to Tom's character. Not to mention the fact that he's terribly cute. I'm attracted to dark evil power, so I just about had a heart attack in the theater when watching Dillane's performance.

I reccomend you go see the movie, even if it's just to go prove me wrong and you can come back and blog about that. But I love HP and I can tell you, they did a really good job developing this movie, and in making the end of this movie a climactic start of the next. Lavender and Ron were so entertaining, and there were even a few scary parts. I don't want to give away too much. GO SEE IT!

And never fear my friends. Even though the 7th is the last, it's going to be in two parts so we've got at least a few more years of awesome Harry Potter Fandom. I'm going to cry when it's all over, I just know it.

Stronger. Better.

440 caL total today.

I had a huge fight with mother. Spent the night asleep on a bench at my old high school. I'm very unhappy which might be why I don't feel like eating. Could be the diet pills. Who knows.

Focusing on playing the SIMS for hours on end and crafting.

hugs everyone. Tomorrow is going to be good. Fast Fast Fast.

Thank You

I just want to say how much all fo the support has meant to me. I really appreciate it girls!
I hope everyone is living well, and doing the right thing!

If you need any support I'm here for you as well.

xoxox

One word

pizza

Stay Strong

Days

Good Job to me the last three days. I've been doing really well.

I don't feel thinner though. I don't look thinner.

I haven't got on the scale since tuesday. Ugh.

How is everyone else doing?

3, 4, and Today

Yesterday, was the night my family decided to go out for dinner.
I failed. I had lo mein. And I ate the whole bowl.
Even though I went for a run as soon as I got home, I felt irritated and awful all night.

The day before was so good! I went swimming and resisted the urge to eat. I felt thin and beautiful watching the rest of my family eat.

Today, I don't know about today. I wish I could just live at the gym so that every day when I woke up, I would see the machines and know what my mission was. I'd get up early and hear the hum of the treadmill, the thump of weights. I would be happy then.

I'm afraid to get on the scale.

Complications

Already I'm having problems.

My mom brought home Chipotle for dinner last night. I ate all the veggies on the bol and nothing else, but I felt awful because I didn't know how many cals that was and if I went over.

Today I'm going to try and spend 3 hours at the gym, then go swimming for another two. Mom is away on a business trip, so no worries tonight.

Can't wait until the fast day. Does anyone have that lemonade recipe? It has like cayenne...I don't remember.

Day Two

225 cals for breakfast.

Summer squash for lunch. Roasted=40 cals.

Day one

Ana Bootcamp!

500 cals may not seem like a lot to someone who stuffs their face in excess of 2,000 cals a day. But if you sit and think about it, 500 cals gives you many options.

Breakfast: 125 cal
Lunch- half an avocado: 170 cal.

That leaves me with 205 cal to use up by dinner.

Ana Bootcamp

Thanks to Kat for this inspiration that I'm going to follow strictly!

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast


Day one begins tomorrow for me. I'm excited to start. I think I'm going to portion out some "meals" tonight. I convinced my mom to finally buy some meatless things, though I haven't taken a look at the cals or anything. Tons of veggies in the house as well as fish. Also dreaded pasta, cheese, meat, and sugary cereal.

Careless

I find it so hard to stay on track, even though I hardly eat anything. I feel sick a lot. I think it's because when I do eat, I eat sugary things.
Blasphemy, I know.

What can I do to keep my motivation up? If I'm not constantly looking at beauty, then I slack, I forget my mission.

Lost 3 lbs.

The New Man of Movies?

Shia LaBeouf

America's new leading man?

I'm not so sure.

People, young women most assuredly, seem smitten by his demeanor. Many are excited about the second Transformers movie, and most hate him altogether.
I personally enjoy listening to him talk because you can clearly hear his intelligence. He's well spoken and proud of what he does. But the undercurrent of 'fuck-you', is what really gets me.

In many respects I don't think Shia is trying to live up to our wet dreams, or fantasies of marriage. He's not here to make you like him. He's not going to be in the next romantic comedy. Shia does his job, and, I believe, he enjoys it if only for the money. Maybe for the girls too, if this morning's episode of 'The Today Show' is something to go by.

Despite the media stuffing him down our throats and hyping him up, LaBeouf is a good actor.
Not our leading man, though many of you girls out there may differ. He's no Gene Kelly, nor is he a Leo Decaprio.

Maybe that is his appeal. A fresh face for Hollywood.

This week Shia LaBeouf is 25% more popular than last week, according to IMDB.com And On an obscure Facebook site, 'Where Are All the Manly Men?', Shia is the Manly Man of the Month.
One has to wonder what makes a manly man then.

I don't think Shia is going anwhwere as far as movies are concerned. Soon we're going to see him in movies to rival ones with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Personally I'll enjoy seeing him in Indie films, and small projects, he brings something to the screen that isn't quite what one thinks of when expecting the traditional type of talent. He's a bit more raw than that.

We shall see, quite literally, what LaBeouf has in store for America. Let's hope its no more painful surgeries and drunken parties with the Cheetah Girls.

Vent

I have enough emotional baggage to write a FUCKING book.

What I've learned from my parents:
No one loves you
Don't expect much.

I feel like my brain is going to explode about every time I look at the woman who spit me out of her body.
I hate myself because of how much I love my family. That's the only reason all of all of this hurts.

Nothing has changed since I'd been 11. I can't remember a time when I felt accepted and wanted. EVER.
My mom made she I knew what a mistake I was.

Thank the gods I'm creative enough to channel this all into something. Writing and starving.

The pain inside my stomach eclipses every other pain. I know that I'm much better than the fat whores sitting around this house.

I'm going to disown my grandmother.

Torture

I gained 2 pounds.

Status: continuing my existence as a fat whore.

Close Enough to Killing Myself

Less than 500 calories today.

I am so depressed.

I have no one.

I have pills close to my bed and I wonder if I can overdose.

I am almost hysteric as I write this, yet looking at me you couldn't tell.

The hurricane is going on inside me, in my brain, in my heart.

Today I was my strongest in a week.
But I didn't do my best.

My 'friend' woke me up early to go with her to this school she's thinking about going with. First of all I fucking hate the lady there. She's a bitch to me, and treats me like a child.
and secondly, I don't like being awake before 9 or 10 because I'm extremely homicidal. So this girl when ever I'm upset she tries to do something I'll like. For example, she loves 'country' music, which I have trouble enjoying. So if she thinks I'm upset she'll play rock music which I really enjoy as a peace offering.
This morning she tried to bribe me with coffee and I wouldn't let her. She needed to feel bad about what she was making me do. I ignored her most of the morning and then the rest of the day.
This girl is spoiled rotten but complains and makes me a patsy for her parents. Fuck it. Today was the last straw.
So we were at this school, a culinary 'academy' and they were baking cookies. Now I don't eat in the morning because it upsets my stomach, but she wouldn't get off my back about eating these oatmeal cookies. I don't even like oatmeal cookies. Plus they had chocolate in them. Fuck! She was like 'try them try them!' and I jsut wanted to fucking punch her.

So then we left and She took me back to her house. I had two pieces of water melon and then went back to sleep for a while.
When I woke up I had two pieces of cinnamon raisin bread with a teaspoon of smart balance and a fuze drink that I split up over 4 hours.

After that I didn't eat anything because I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid dinner.

Calories for the day.
Fuze(10 cals per serving): 20 cals
Bread(65 per slice): 130 cals
Cookie: 127 Cals

Dinner: 430 cals.(fucking rice)
I used the 'pushing your food around on your plate to make it look like you're eating more than you are' trick so it helped. I also ate slower than anything.But the numbers are still depressing.

Today's total: 712.

under 800 but still Extreme Fail.

Hope tomorrow will be better. I'm totally starving right now, my stomach hurts with it. I'm glad I have this feeling back.

Saturday

Ok.
I hate black girls/women.

They are so....mediocre. Like they are either WAY to curvy or not skinny enough. I hate looking at them it makes me sick.
It makes me depressed too because I'm black, and my mom told me she never had a flat stomach.

What the fuck.

So last night my friend took me to this crap club on 6th street. It was awful, but she said it was the only 18+ club around. She and her other friends were being twats, and she looked like a skank.

She's huge by the way. I look at pictures of her from the past and she used to be really skinny. The thing is, she still wears the clothes she used to when she was thin. Ew.

Anyway. It was your basic shitty club full of nasty 'gangster' wanna be boys that smelled like shit and yelled things like "hey blue BLUE!"(as in your shirt color) at you instead of coming up to you and saying hi. And the most disgusting girls squeezed into the tightest outfits they could find. Outfits that show each and every roll, love handle, and huge belly in the place.

Not only is that not my scene, but I was actually dressed nice and I couldn't stand looking at these girls literally falling out of their clothes.

I'd rather have spent the night, smoking and feeling thin, while listening to live rock and flirting with a hotty with shaggy hair and snake bites.

My question to my AnaMia's. Do you get high? And if you do how do you beat the intense hunger after wards?
All I can say for last night was thank god Taco Bell was closed by the time we stopped partying. I only ate 10 baked lays.

Love and strength

Idealistic

ANA!!!!

Love me.
Lathe me down until everything shines in your image.

BEAUTY!!!!

Keep me company.
Teach me your secrets.

RESTRAINT!!!!

Hold me close at night.
Keep away the dreaded food.

CONTROL!!!!

Guide me.
I follow your beacon anywhere.

I live for the day I will never question my path.

I live to be as insubstantial and breathtaking as a shaft of moonlight.

Pills

HydroxyCut Max.

I have it. Any thoughts? Is it good, does it work?

I'm going to use it to see how it does fro my body while I'm exercising. I've discovered how much I love working out, it hurts but feels great at the same time.

Baking a cake for friend's mom. Ultimate Test: No licking or tasting!

A Long Time

Goodness it's been forever eh Chickens?

I've missed you all and fallen off the cart a few times.
Let the self hatred be as strong as ever.
But you'll all be jealous.

I've got a personal trainer, and have moved to a place of sun and beauty. Where to get what you want you have to be thin. I am Inspired every day.

Let us Feast

I drank at every vine
The last was like the first
I came upon no wine
So wonderful as Thirst

I gnawed at every root
I ate at every plant
I came upon no fruit
So wonderful as Want

I fed the grape and bean
To the Vintner,and the Monger
I will lay down lean
With my Thirst and my Hunger

Edna St Vincent Millay

My Ana's, Sweet Ana's. When other girls wanted cars, I was looking in the mirror. When other girls danced and drunk, I was pinching pounds. While they were busy kissing, I was running miles While they were plucked and tanning, I was counting and restricting. No such thing as better, no such victory as thin Only when I'm perfect bones, only then, I'll win