Chili.....omg so good.

I need to write this down because I don't want to forget it.
This recipe was born of left overs, something I didn't expect to taste so good. It's actually better than that.

1 roast rubbed with a packet of brown gravy mix and black pepper, slow cooked at least a day before. My mom wanted the roast cooked for a stew int he slow cooker, it turned out really well. The stew had ingredients as follows:
3 stalks of celery chopped
2 carrots peeled and chopped into pieces that can fit on a spoon
2 medium onions sliced thinly
6 Yukon gold potatoes, or you fav waxy potato quartered
1 extra packet of brown gravy mix, optional

The roast needs to cook for at least 5 hours in the slow cooker, but you can start it in the morning and left on low if you're going to work. I added the first three veggies about half way through the cooking and the potatoes an hour before it's done. You could par cook the potatoes and then add them right before you serve them, to heat them back up. Add the mix packet for more flavor. Eat.

Okay so that sat in my fridge for two days and then I decided on chili.
Chili.
2 tbs veggie oil
1 medium onion, medium dice
1 green bell pepper, medium dice
3 cloves of garlic, coarsely chopped
3 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp ground cloves
1 can of peeled chopped tomatoes
1 15 oz can drained kidney beans
1 15 oz can drained black beans
All the leftover meat you have from the roast
2 tbs Carroll Shelby's Original Texas Brand Chili Kit chili powder spice mix.( This was included in a chili kit. I didn't use any of the other mix packets inside the kit, but you could if you wanted to.)
1 cup water.
Salt to taste

Heat oil, sauté onions garlic and bell pepper for about 6 mins, stir to make sure it wont burn. Add the vinegar and cook another min. Add the meat on top of that then the beans, and then the tomatoes with the juices. Stir. Add cayenne and chili powder mix and water. Simmer for about 20 mins or until reduced to the thickness you want. Eat, yumm!

This goes really well with sour cream and jalapeno cheddar cornbread. Mmmmm!

Obsession

I know that I'm obsessed with crocheting because I left my needles at my apartment instead of bringing them home with me for the holidays, and lucky me I got yarn for Christmas and now I have no way of crocheting. That isn't really the worst part. I am feeling withdrawal, well not really, but I was so desperate to stop this itching in my fingers, that I picked up a bobby pin and proceeded to try and crochet with it. I chained 4 before I realized how wickedly pointless it all was and am now, at the moment, chewing on the aforementioned bobby pin, staring dejectedly at my yarn.
I was hoping that my sister would have one needle lying around, just one, but no luck. Well I supposed I can wait until I go back to my apartment and then get down to it, but I'm thinking that the creative spirit now coursing through me may be well squashed and gone by that time.
All will be well and good when my bed and floor are once again covered in lovely colored projects and scratchy fuzzy wools.
In the meantime I will entertain myself with reading, and periodically cruising the interweb for anything interesting, or boring for that matter. You will be pleased to note that I have indeed been reading Anne Rice, as promised. However....I'm still on the Interview, the first int he vampire Chronicles. I don't think I'll make it to the second any time soon.....which is sad. I think It's hard for me to focus on the book because I've seen the movie already, and unlike the book, the movie showed me scenes at startling speeds. Condensing a relatively tiny book, into an even smaller space. So as I'm reading I'm already wondering when, if ever, I'll get to the next scene, the next step in the life of Louis.
I am enjoying the book, I can say that.

So This is Christmas

For the first time in my short life, I hate Christmas. I hate it so much right now.
I hate my family for ruining it.
I can't even cheer myself up with Wizard Wrock. Nothing makes me feel good.
I hate my family for being inconsiderate jerks. And they don't even care.

I cannot believe that I am even here. Sitting in the dark crying. On FUCKING CHRISTMAS EVE.
My favourite holiday, ruined. For no good reason.

Mired

Skylines are golden before night, giving one last contemptuous show before they die off
I am neither golden or glorious.
I am stuck
Forever
No matter the writing
Forgive the songs in terrible off key
End
End me dearest
Before I do the deed myself
Before I end
I can't find the window any more
Everything is behind painted over doorways
I can tear away the paint, rip the wall paper until my fingers are blue and bloody
I'll still be here
stuck

Pictures

There's nothing like someone else's pictures to make you realize how fat you still are.
I wish people would stop taking pictures of me. Especially when I'm not looking. Those are the worst.
I need to work harder, and stop slacking.

Lovely

Guess what beautiful bones greeted me?
My collar bones. I've never seen them. They look gorgeous, and it's just a sign that it's all working, all of my hard work, is paying off. I'm not going to let it go to waste. I'm throwing out all the food I have that's already made. All I'll have is dry pasta and rice.
Woot!


Things that sustain me:
Wizard Wrock
Crocheting Slytherin flavored gifts for myself
Daydreaming about Draco
Silly calls from my family.

All things Wondrous.....and maybe even a little fantastical.

Sleeping Helps.

So while laying around in my drunken stupor, I realized a very important thing about myself.

I do not want to have any kind of sexual interaction with anyone except that fictional character Draco Malfoy.
I mean this in the most intense way. I really don't even want to touch other boys. I think I have a really terrible problem.
I am out of my mind. I feel sick just thinking about it.
So what does this mean for my future? Will I grow out of it. Am I only going to be able to sustain myself off of the characters that exist in my own head?!

Sleeping, helps you figure out all of the crazy feelings in your heart and head, but once you wake up you're at a loss again.

2:55 pm today, whatever day it might be.

I dreamt:

I was with Liz. I was listening to songs, but the songs were the musical manifestation of some Threadless shirts. We were either in a museum or the white house. There was a guy, with some of his college friends, he looked a bit like someone I've seen before. He wasn't happy, or something I cannot remember. Liz told me to go over and that I had better hello him, or something not happy would happen. There was a bed and he was sitting on the other side of it. I crawled across the bed and placed my ear buds in his ears so that he could listen, and I lay my head on top of his hair. It was fuzzy. Then he turned his head, taking the ear buds out of his ears and kissed my neck. Then things started to happen....you can take it from there. One of the whitehouse/curator ladies beifely walked in on us.
After I began cleaning up the room, and he looked very uncertain and angry sitting on the bed fully dressed. We talked briefly. I believe it was about why I had wanted him. I explained that I could no longer trust the face or the words of someone. Only the actions of the body. I can remember the sequence of what happened next. But his friends were there, one a girl, and we were talking about something else by then.

So I woke up and felt very lost. And sad that I could still feel arms close around me, for about 10 mins I wanted him here. It's funny how the machinations of our minds take over our very hearts. He's not real, but still I pine. How stupid.

A less dramatic outlook

If you're looking to hear about how I starved myself today...you'll be just ass disappointed as I.

I ate lunch with my mother today. I shared a large turkey sandwich with her.
For about an hour and a half I felt terrible about eating it. I fretted about how I was going to get somewhere where I could throw it up.

I attended the Holiday party that my building was throwing. I didn't eat much. Though I did devour 3 cookies. Me and cookies are doomed.

For the first time in a long time I feel exhausted. I went to the library today. I think since I had eaten I was in a regular frame of mind. I looked at a few books to try and understand the connection between brain and body. But there was nothing to help with what I feel.

My mom thinks therapy will work, but that's just for the depression. She doesn't know about the starving.

The Beginning

7am wake up call from my body.

Go find some food. I decided that a 30min work out was in order instead.
Calories burned:
153
Some more weight lifting, from my arms and pecs. Now I'm just waiting for my roommie to get out of the shower. Which should be in about a few years.
Today is not a sitting around day, I have a lot to do, or that I want to get done, so I guess this is an early start.
I don't seem to get enough sleep during the night. I wake up many times, and my thoughts turn immediately to what I'm not going to eat when I wake up. I don't rest, I'm just unconscious. Its very uncomfortable.

I did have a choco-chip cookie last night before I went to bed. I couldn't stop thinking about the 30 calories I had just ingested, but then again that is way under my goal, so I'm happy that I resisted gorging myself. I'm unhappy because its a cookie. Oh well.

Eat less today, eat even less tomorrow.

Still Sitting Around

So I was going to go home tonight, but my mom ended up working late so I'll be going home tomorrow. She hath tempted me with Christmas tree decorating.

I miss Harry Potter. I want to read the books. Maybe I will after my Anne Rice binge.

I told myself that I would eat tonight at my mom's, if I didn't eat all day. Since I'm not going this is what I ate.

1/4 cup watered down stock.
less than 5 calories
3/4 of a large piece of carrot
carrots have no calories woot!
0
1 slice of yellow summer squash
0 calories
And a small slice of. Semolina bread
calories?

Eat more today, eat less tomorrow. I can't wait for tomorrow to come. It's crazy trying to fill the hours between one meal and the next. 18 hours that is.
Back to crocheting.

Woo!

Listening to Wizard Rock all day, crocheting!!!

it's 4:40pm

I have not eaten anything.

I had a cup of tea.

0 cals!

Take that body!

A little triumph...

Went to bed last night, feeling hungry, stomach growling.
This morning I can feel the stomach, it's very unhappy.

But the thing is I don't have to listen to the incessant gurgling . This body is beholden to me, not I to it. It inhabits me.
It strange to go through life, with something that just seems to be attached to you, making you do things you don't remember. And then suddenly you look down and realize what's been draggin you down all this time. I realized that I had let it go on too long. Control is the only leverage, and I can take and give it to this body whenever I want.

I have a body.

But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Failure

I ate the damned cookie.


....it was amazing

Temptation

There seems to be about a million cookies in my pantry right now. I want to eat them all.

But I have worked too damn hard.

Today's consumption:
1 triscuit: olive oil and cracked pepper.
20 calories
7 wheat Ritz, salted
115 calories, 4.5 grams of fat
Potato Chowder w/ corn: 1 cup
215 calories, 7 grams of fat
1 cup of tea:
0 calories, 0 grams of fat.

Today's goal?
200 calories
Actual total?
350 calories

Which means there are an extra 150 calories floating around in my body. I did workout today, but only for 25 mins, burning about 79 on the stationary bike, and I don't know how many with free weights. If I stay cold then I can burn off more calories. One 8 oz glass of cold water burns 65 calories.
I can drink as much unsweetened tea I want. So since I have extra today, I will only eat 200 tomorrow, instead of 400. But I'm not sure I'll even eat that much.

GOD those f-ing cookies. I can't stop thinking about them!

Happy Birthday.

Not really.

I hurt, I ache, I burn

Eyes.
Haunt me, and seek me out.
Eyes.
One look to slay me.
I want to escape.
Dark nights and wandering gods claim me
Fear, as tangible as your lips when they brand
I will die here
With my open veins.

Take me, in fire and pain
I am ablaze.
You take my grace, and scrape it away
I'll beg for more, and leave traces of my guilt deep in your skin
I fell into your gaze, a sacrificial lamb
As I whispered away, as ashes
I heard your dark laugh.
I was not released.

Pointless?

I'm sitting in the same place I was sitting yesterday and the day before.
I feel like puking.

Been crocheting, and trying to figure out how to get some money. I really don't want to sell any of my books, but those are the only things I have that are worth any thing.
I wish it were raining outside.

I've been on a Wizard Rock binge for about 4 days. Good stuff.

Idaho

Glimmering lights
I am not dainty or quaint
Glaring Fashion
I am not pure or exciting

I am flawed

As surely are the ragged skin that hangs from my last bought of mutilation
I am as dead and useless
As surely as my head pounds in pain
I am as sharp and unwanted.
Colored in drab, unfab, and plain.

I pray at my alter to be pretty and sweet.
I beg of my god to be accepted.
I will faithfully make absolutions
and Hope for mercy.

What's with the guilt that you're styling?

So I was thinking today.
Of changes. And how everyday is infinitely different from any other. And I began to see where I am in this world. My place.
I never seem to change, and in a world that seems to never stop changing I struggle with the reality of myself.
I do not belong.
I cannot even begin to understand the machinations of the world, if I cannot live in place with it.
It's really rather disconcerting.

And how about this.
Why is it that feminists are always skinny women telling the rest of us that we should love our curves and cycles, and if we don't there's something wrong with us. Who the hell wants to deal with being the social pariah of the history of the human race? And the whole monthly visitor is damn inconvenient if you ask me. *Frowns. I think there's something wrong with someone telling me how I should feel. Whatever I feel isn't wrong, it's what I feel, who I am inside. If I want to hate myself then leave off.

My Friend

She is my friend.
We have sleepovers all the time. We work out together
She helps me when I feel fat
She's always there.

My friend ED.

So Things have escalated to a new sneaky level. But it's my secret and I wont tell.
I'm obsessed, and I find that If I focus on something else. I'm never ever hungry. I'm like a saint. Or a ghost.

I want you to love me

You who are not here
You who's arms are not around me
You who leave me wondering and bereft

I want you to love me

You who's name I do not know
You who's touch I crave
You, with promises I wish to hear

I want you to love me

You who beg on bended knee, for my forgiveness
You, with lips I can almost imagine
You who are my heart's bequest

I want you to love me

And where the wind will carry my words of love,
to reach a man that will stop and listen
I will keep watch with patience, and make friends with celibacy
For time and only space are merely things
You are the body and soul I ache for

You are the one who loves me.

Vampire Weekend

I love Vampire Weekend.

But this is what is about to happen.

I Have committed myself to reading Anne Rice's Entire Vampire Chronicles. In a week. I'm gonna do it. (Don't do it you're crazy!)
Oh ho ho ho ho. I'm doing it. I'm ready right now. I'm stoked.
I got Interview With a Vampire right here.......RIGHT HERE.
Okay.
I'll see you all on the other side.

Umm

I am addicted to the life of craft. I really am.

I had to call my mom today because I was feeling so down, but she made me laugh. I never realize how much I miss my family until I hear their voices. My cat even said hi to me over the phone. I laughed. Dude is not really the smartest cookie in the tin.
I ate a few bites of chicken, about 3tbs of mashed potatoes and two glazed carrots. I don't feel terribly bad about the taters because they were made with milk instead of heavy cream....oh but now that I remember my team mate added some half and half....Oh well. I also had a ginger ale, which I found out has 140 calories so no more ginger ale. Two diet cokes, and about 3 brownies. I was stuffing the brownies into my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. *Sigh. I feel sick.
I have 7 rows left on my bag! woot!

My mom wants to go out for my birthday. I feel bad because my mom spends money that I don't have. I feel bad about a lot of things. But she wants to go to Circe De Soleil. I would like that. She wont go see The Nutcracker with me, cuz she says it's boring. Eh. I guess

I'm going to go to a party at my mom's boyfriend's house tomorrow, which is cool because I made Bouche De Noel today, and I'll be bringing it to show off my skills.

Blah blah blah. Write more later.

Oh boy....

What a stressful day. Goodness.
I need to get some homework done.....really badly. Also I've got the practical of my final to finish up tomorrow, but it's cool because I know what I'm doing.

I didn't eat anything today. I had a starbucks peppermint white mocha whatever. I tried not to figure too much the calories, and sugar and stuff. I don't feel so bad because it's liquid not solid. Though it was really sweet.
I want to go work out but my roommate and her boyfriend are fighting in the living room so....yeah.
Christmas break is soon, so it wont matter so much. I can't wait to see my family again.
Feeling v. down as of late...hoping its because of impending pms...blegh.
Lala lala. I'm going to do some more crocheting tonight and hopefully finish knitting my bag so I can get started on a scarf.
Tired. Aren't we all?
Yeah.

Tired....

I've got two hours that I really need to be taking advantage of, to study for my finals. I've been watching movies and crocheting all day. I finished a scarf and hat. I want to start another cloche since it would only take a couple of hours, but starting it takes up too much time that I need to study.
I know that I can't just fake this time. If I don't study I will bomb this final and feel like crap. So I'm going to go soon and do it....and not get distracted.
I just found out, about the same time she did, that one of my friends is pregnant. A big congrats to her, even though we're a little unsure of what's to come...and it wasn't planned. But blessings come unasked..... at least I think that's what they say.
So I've got about an hour and a half now....and I want to read a romance novel
Wish me luck!

Finishing up

So I'm a little stressed out because I think I took on way more than could handle. I've been holed up in my room for two days crafting my butt off.
And that would all be fine and good accept....well I've got two finals on Monday. And I've got over due library books, AND I need to find a job ASAP.
Urgh.
But on the happy side of things. I am almost finished with my bag, only about 15 more rows to go! Hurrah!
Hmm...what else is there?
Do you ever wonder to tell other of thing in your past, when you've already moved on? I feel like since I started this blog, I don't need to write about the things that happened before, and besides it's not like any one is dying to know every little thing about me. Wouldn't that be creepy?
I'm sucking on a cherry lollipop and watching Connie and Carla again. I need the sugar and the distraction, or rather noise, to keep me going. I watched the Darjeeling Limited earlier. It was a really good movie, and I'm glad I finally decided to watch it.
I've been hungry all day, eating quite a lot which brings up a lot of guilt. I really should get to the gym before all the sugar and inactivity catch up with me, which will be in a few short days. Sigh.
Damn you mother nature, making me crave things I don't need.
Sometimes I wish things were based back on hunter gatherer society. I think I would manage very well indeed. But I believe that because I have a hard time functioning the society of today. I'm always thinking how much I miss old styles and cultures, things I've never experienced for myself. But ah, whatever. Things will be things, and I will be there to wonder that they were other things.
Tomorrow I will study late into the night, and get my projects done and I wont feel so bad when everything is done.
You know what I miss?! The Powerpuff Girls! good Times.
Anywhoodles, bed time.
Goodnight Darlings.

Taking a Break

I'm knitting Rosemary Waits's Fair Isle Harry Potter Bag, I have been all day, but I thought to take a break.
My roommate and I have been watching moves all day long. I just watched Carla and Connie for the first time and I love it. It was so funny that I laughed almost the whole way through.
But the real reason that I'm here is because I've thought of names that I'd want to name my daughters. I don't expect that I'm going to really have children, but I spend quite some time think about their names. I will absolutely name my son Jude, maybe Jude Alexander. I like the gentle ring of the name Jude, I think the world needs a few more Judes around anyway.
As for my daughters: Penelope, Chrysanthemum, and Mohtley Truhe.
The Whys:
Penelope is classic. It's unassuming and beautiful. It' hits at strength and justice, good morals, sound upbringing. I like the ring of it and also two of my favourite heroines have been named Penelope. I wish it were my name.
Chrysanthemum is a name I was destined to name another. Ever since that darn children's book was read to me. About the small mouse with a big, beautiful name, that had to overcome the overwhelming dejection of being different. And she does with a flair, and such courage, and happiness. I know I should think long and hard about this, but I have been for years. I'm almost sure!
And Mohtley Truhe. Mohtley is the name of my heroine. She small and sweet and curious, but extremely clever and kind. It's a name for an Adventurer, for a girl who sees the sun shining on every new path, every old by-way or highway. Just another good time to explore. Mohtley would be her first name, and Truhe the middle. I can almost hear myself calling out in motherly anger: 'Mohtley Truhe! get your butt down here!'

Well I should get back to knitting since I have two other projects to finish by Monday....oh wait I have much more than that.
*Sigh.

Wish me happy crafting ;]

Fabled Forest.

I want to live in a fabled forest.
This forest is enchanted, like most great forests. There are happy creatures, and unhappy ones, there are bad and good creatures. This fabled forest is split into fall, winter, summer, and spring. You can travel to each one and find a different adventure. You can make friends and fall in and out of love. Sometimes you wont find what you're looking for, and sometimes you'll find something much much greater.
When I find this gentle place, I will walk for hours as if in a spell, and soon the sun will fall.....

I looked to the dark sky, and frowned. I had stayed much too late and I needed to get back. I looked down, and in the dim light I could see that I had strayed from the path back to the road. I couldn't figure out when or where I had gone off. I looked around, circled the small clearing, but I didn't find the path. Sighing loudly I looked up at the sky again and shivered in my coat. I had thought exploring this deep wood would be an adventure, something to take my mid off of the stress of work and...well life. But I hadn't planned on going in so deep, or, I smiled wryly, having so much fun.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and turned in fast circle with my arms wide. I stopped suddenly, and opened my eye's quickly before I could change my mind. Before me was thick fir trees, behind me, and beside me the same, But I had picked my direction and no I stepped purposely forward and into the trees, if I got lost....well there's wasn't much I could do either way.
While I walked I thought over the things I would need to get back to once I found my way back. I had documents to get notarized, and filled. I dreaded the mindless job of filing, but someone had to do it I guess, it's why they paid me the big bucks. I snickered loudly at that. I hmmed loudly and tapped my chin. There were the Christmas cards I had to send out, not to mention presents. I needed to call my mother and see what I needed to bring for her annual party. I rolled my eyes. I loved my mother dearly, but that didn't mean I wanted to spend hours being introduced to every available man and his mother at the party. But then again I suppose it is a mother's mission to see her children happily married. But all her well-meaning was making me unwell.
Stepping over fallen branches and leaves, I trekked like a woman on a mission, and I guess I was on a mission, to get back to the road, because it was getting dark enough that I couldn't see anything well, and I didn't want to be caught out here alone, with no way to get back. I was beginning to feel like that's what was just ab out to happen. I stopped, listening for cars, or people, anything that might lead me. I didn't hear a thing.
I pulled the hood of my jacket over my ears and tightened the strings under my chin. My nose was getting cold and so were my toes, but I kept walking. For a while all I focused on was getting out of this forest. Not like I had anything against the forest, but a little bit of panic was setting in. I hadn't stopped to wonder how deep this forest was, or if I should have brought something to mark my way with. In fact coming here had been an impulse entirely.
This forest was on the fringes of a really nice park a few blocks from my house. The park was big, and beautiful, with finely cut grass, and expertly tended trees. The kind of park that you see in magazines, still-life without a leaf out of place. But I had been more interested in the dark untamed grove across the street. Big old forests weren't something you got to enjoy every day, especially not in the city. Which is why I found my self spell bound almost, and crossing over intent to explore.
I stopped and looked around me. I seemed to have ended up in another small clearing. I stomped my foot and let out a frustrated growl. It was so dark that I couldn't make out individual trees or the color of my mittens. At this point there was nothing else I could do besides go on. So I did, feeling very despondent and cold, but as soon as I broke through the trees on the left of th clearing I there was a small house sitting not far away. The light were on, glowing softly through the curtained windows and I could see a thin trail of smoke curling out of the squat little chimney. I wondered why I hadn't seen the smoke before when I had looked up, but it couldn't be helped, and hopefully someone was home, and I could stay for the night.
Walking towards the house I wondered if maybe the people owned the land, it would have explained why the city hadn't torn down the trees. And I thought that was kind of interesting, I wondered what sort of person would live in such a secluded place. I got closer to the house and realized that it wasn't just a small house, it was practically a cottage, not wide or overly tall, but just enough to walk about in. I felt like I could have reached my arms out and hugged the house all the way round to give it a hug. Smiling at the thought I walked up to the door and knocked. Already I could imagine the heat of the fire and the gentle glow of the light inside. I knocked again a bit more loudly. I was starting to feel paranoid standing out int he dark in the middle of a forest. Still no one came to answer. I couldn't make out any noises coming from inside, no people moving about. Belatedly I wondered if maybe no one was home, but then, why would the lights be on.
I shuffled from boot to boot, trying to warm my toes, and debated if I should knock again or get to walking. It seemed that a latter wasn't my smartest idea, so I knocked once more, banging rudely on the door. I would apologize once someone answered.
But no one did.
And so with out thinking it through, I reached for the door knob and twisted.
Never expecting that the knob would twist gently and the door open as if another had pulled it from inside. I was shocked but I stepped forward, as if being gently ushered inside, feeling warmth breeze over my chilled nose. I closed my eyes for a moment, in bliss, and then I stepped over the threshold and into the little cottage.

Cheery Hullo

*Waves to all those who have stopped by, and Welcome.
My goodness, hasn't it been a year? Almost gone too. Where does the rest of the year go? Makes you wonder, about time that is, and if it's a real thing or a relative thing.
I beginning to rant.
For the most part I am easy to get along with. I crave the company of smart creative people because I find that they have the best stories. I like to listen, and offer advice if I can, I like being helpful I guess is how to put it.
I crochet, and knit, I sew, I breathe, I create. I love and I dance.
I think it's time for some breakfast.
I hope to have some pictures of my work on this blog soon, and a link to all things that I live for. Ravelry, Burdastyle and youtube, etc.
Anyways, I'm sure I'll be writing something more engaging soon so please come back by, and we'll talk again.
Enjoy your day.