Bleh

Man what a combination. SAD and hardly any food. I feel like shit.
Lol this morning I woke up asking why I do this to myself. Some rational part of my brain kept telling me to just stop. But...I've never really stopped.

When I eat I think about why I shouldn't be eating. When I don't eat I congratulate myself. This is how I've always been. And probably always will be.

In other news however I've really been feeling down and I now realize its because of the depression. Its never been this noticeable before. As soon as it starts to get dark my mood changes and my energy drains. I spend the hours before I go to sleep in a horrible funk that juat makes me want to die. I think things that I know aren't true, but because I feel so horrible those things feel true at the moment. Its.....destructive. But also kind of welcome. It keeps me focused, even if only on the bad things.

Sooo breakfast? Bran cereal and soy milk?

Geeze

Well Im not expecting anyone to still be following this, its been almost a year. A year and about 30 lbs gained.....God I feel like shit.
So In the spirit of feeling like shit. I think Ill get back to journaling. Ive lost my job, I hate my body and I think my boyfriend isn't interested in me anymore. And who could blame him with all this fat hanging around my middle.
I got a good look at what ive gained the other day and.....god it wasn't pretty. It was lumpy and horrible.
I tried barfing up what I ate for lunch and it didn't end well. I don't know if I can get into that apect of this life again....ugh the smell.
I only remember some of the rules. I only have a fraction of the will power but I cant stand the way I look anymore. I can't take the feelings of inadequacy.

I am wretched.

Quickie

Hey girls. The normal. Been stuck inside, been stuffing my face. Too afraid to get on the scale. Had two dates with Perfect and another planned for sat. I really like him. He thinks I'm pretty and radiant, and he's great. Just...fucking great.

Bowls of Grapes

Knowing people is like picking through big bowls of grapes. There are the green and red ones. The big purple-y ones. The round ones with seeds, the wine grapes. So many to choose from and you're never sure if they're going to be sour or overly sweet. Even if they're on the same vine.
I guess that's why I don't really like grapes.

Now. I stuffed my face with spaghetti the other night. The same day I stuffed myself with carbs and starch for breakfast. But barfing up noodles and sauce is kind of cool. Its gross but it comes up kind of smooth. Except for the chunky bits that are garlic bread.
     Metabolism finally caught up with me, so I have plateaued. But went out for a jog because I couldn't stand being inside another minute. Was really nice despite the slush on the ground. Supposed to get a really big storm tonight through sat. Which means no date with Perfect.
As far as me eating goes, if little things not big things. That makes it hard to force myself to purge. None of my clothes fit...well none of them fit anyway. So I can't measure by that. Ugh. Ugh. UGH.

I'm just bored. I'm bored of this game that I have to play around people. I'm bored of pretending that I like people. I'm bored of this whole thing, ya know? Half of my brain is rational and misanthropic, the other half is impulsive and bubbly and loves to help people, and talk to people and all the shit the other half of my brain hates. Frankly I'd like to choose the misanthropic side, because it generally keeps me out of trouble.
  And by that I mean trouble with guys. I don't feel like I'm flirty, I don't feel like I encourage guys, most especially not guys over the internet or playing online. Yet here they are clustered around me. When you have a friend you don't send them cute txts or emails or talk about how cute you think they are. You don't really make a big effort to talk to your friends because they're not a obsessive part of your life, you see 'em around and you chat.
Or am I confused? Because, you see, I keep getting a lot of cutesy txts and emails. A lot of suggestive little comments from friends here and there. And I swear I thought they were just friends and I'm not going to censor myself around my friends but....well now I'm wondering what I did to make them more than friends. I certainly didn't try. And I suppose if they like me even when I'm making an ass out of myself or ranting about some idiot I want to dismember....then that's not really my fault. I mean...if you end up liking me even after I confess to liking Dungeons and Dragons? Yeah....
I'm really fun to hang out with and generally smart when it comes to talking topics. But I don't know how to flirt to save my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, when does the line blur for the guys I know? And what makes them think that I'm interested in them that way? What can I do to stop them from getting flirty with me, and how the FUCK do I keep them from texting me and asking me to sleep with them?! Seriously I've never had that happen before.

Snow and Spaghetti Trees

Today is a starch day. I really should eat before anyone can come over and stop me from barfing. UGH.

Family dinner but I'm almost SURE I can get upstairs before anyone holds me up. Back down to 184 this morning. I hope I can hold on to that. Two days of basically nothing really helped lol.

I luv you girls for all the comments. I have stuff to dish to you.
My former roommate's boyfriend wants me to fuck him....
Yeeeaaaahhhh. I mean I really need to get laid. But I'm sooo not trying to deal with the drama. What do you think?
Also I have a date Sat with Perfect...super excited!
Supposed to snow the rest of the week...all except Thursday

Last night I played some of the best rounds of survival in Uncharted with these two kids last night. They were so funny!
Also played with A later in the night.

A(fter thought section):
So playing online you get the chance to talk to your teammates through a wireless mic. Both A and I have one. Let me get my pathetic admission out of the way. I really really really REALLY love his voice. Like....man its wonderful.
The brains behind that voice? Annoying as shit! He knows how to get under my skin and I fall into it every time.
Now, I was wondering last night as I fell into a coma, what would I say to him if we were just talking? And the answer is a lot, and nothing. Nothing because I feel like I've said all I could until I was blue in the face. A lot because I just don't think he gets it. And if he does he either doesn't care or doesn't know what to do about it. I can understand that, I'm really confusing.
Now A, don't get me wrong, I still want a parasite to crawl up your ass and devour you from the inside, but you disarm me like no one else. You make me think you're this fantastic person even when I screaming at you to shut your fucking face.
I wish to the goddess I'd never fallen in love with someone so utterly wrong for me. Someone who makes me so angry and happy at the same time. Someone who I would do anything for, but would regret it the second he opened his mouth. Someone who loves to point out my shortcomings and live as if the world is his personal satellite.
Why me, A?
Dear god....why me...

Living with disgust

Dear Peri,
I love you! You are full of wise things.
You're amazing,
Love Wry.

Hullo girlies. Today was uneventful. Literally.
Oh...my mom's getting married.

Help me get through this without killing myself.
Strength and love to all of you.

Section of A(sshole):
I'm just a cunt for complaining. But...this guy is pulling I'm a douche like no one else. I mean. He should be dressed head to toe in Ed Hardy gear with a Van Dutch fitted cap and bling. He might as well be Colin Ferrel. Sexy, but about at appealing as a big pile of elephant shit.
Really. You have to wonder A, why you're doing it? I'm sure you're mad about these little blurbs about you, but no matter the space I give you, or the outs I give you, You will continue to be unhappy. Seriously dude, wtf. Who do you think you are? The world doesn't revolve around you. Try, for a second to look at the world where other people exist and have feelings. You're suck a fucker sometimes.
AND FUCK. If you don't want to play uncharted with me, that's FINE, just say so instead of signing off after you've told me you would play.

One day you'll get sick enough of this to just move on with your life and stop trying to have control over mine. My mom did it. And you can too. Really, at this point I'm so sick of being treated like vomit by you that if you were to die today I'd say 'wow that sucks' and go back to my life.
If you're not happy with how angry I am, then stop making me angry you dummy. Stop trying to have the upper hand in everything! Stop being a little cum dumpster. God!
Its hard to be nice to someone who keeps saying mean things about you, I know. But maybe if you didn't act like such a dick all the time I'd have something nice to say. Maybe if you hadn't gone looking for this blog you wouldn't be so unhappy. Maybe we'd still be together, maybe you'd be fucking happy. But I don't give a shit about maybe anymore. Cuz maybe got me attached to you.
Stop being an asshole.

Kisses.

Many Little Deaths.

I die a little inside each time I see the scale shift up.

186 when I got up today. Managed to eat lunch and get it all out. Company was over for dinner so no go there. Had to entertain. I didn't eat a lot. But we all know that's just an excuse.

Then....cherry pie. With fake whipped cream. And now I have heart burn.
Fuuuuuuck.

I don't know how long you wait to purge, but within 5 mins of me eating something, it has to go. Feeling very tired today. Was fun hanging out with...hmm lets call him Perfect. Fun hanging out with Perfect today. He's too much fun, and he makes me laugh. Plus he's smart...not like pretentious smart more like...he knows a lot and we can actually have conversations about things without him getting worked up or overly opinionated. He has his views, but he can also see the other side. Its such a refreshing change, from banging my head against a wall trying to talk to A.

A's Section:
 Dear A,
Get over yourself.
All the best,
Wry.

Fatty Tub Tubs

Stuffed my face alllllllll day yesterday. Well not all day. But....from the time I got up.....then I started drinking rum and brandy, and after that it was mac and cheese, and veggie burgers and taters.
I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not eating the food that was bought for me....but wtf am I supposed to do about that?!
And I couldn't even go to the bathroom because my friend was watching my like a hawk the whole time.
Fuck.
All I can hope for is no gain, and still some loss. Though I doubt it will go like that.
Uggh.
I'm cold and stiff because I'm sitting down stairs play games. UGH I need a life.
I'd be content with sex games and food if I felt like it. Really. If that could be my life I'd be soooo happy. Bored lol, but happy.
Oh well. Once I get up to a scale I'll tell you what my body thinks of all that food. Thinking I'm going to stay up all day once again. No sense in sleeping. I just can't do it.
Back to the game my loverlies. Going to hang out with awesome dude who's crushing on me later!

Beauty, so cold.

Beauty, to me, are the cold still things. The things that aren't touched by feeling or irrationality. I strive for beauty, in a different form...or many different from. I ache for it because it is so blinding and induces so much obsession. It really a giddy feeling to be this obsessed. Almost...well, one could confuse love with obsession....

Anyway. Still snowing, almost 5pm here. 4 inches+ by the end of the night and I am LOVING IT. My window has the best view and everything is covered in cold powder. It reminds me of Boston. I was born there. I miss New England.
So 184, this morning, even after stuffing my face with microwave popcorn in the middle of the night. I haven't been doing really any strenuous activities, so I know my metabolism is going to be slowing down any day now. I think I mentioned how much I hate plateaus? Yeah, that's what'll happen if I don't get back on track with my jogging.
Wish I had someone to cuddle with...all I've got is this cat....and he's more interested in the yarn I have....Boys. No matter the species they're still only interested in you for what you've got.

No A section today. Because I mostly don't care. ;]

The Philosphy of two Vain people.

186.5 This morning girls.
Last night's din was under 200 cals and was still purged. Today=grapes, doritos and 1/4 cup chili made w/ turkey. No purge because everyone came home before I had a chance to. Having cravings for something gooey and hot...But I'm tired and its late. Maybe PB and some crackers? Need water most likely ...really dehydrated.
Stayed up 28 hours from Wed till yesterday. I was mostly playing Uncharted, but I wanted to get my sleep schedule back on track and the only way I could do it was to stay up until 8 the next day(thurs). It worked...sort of. Woke up at 12 today lol.

30 min jog, not enough energy for a whole hour. Was feeling super giddy and weird today. Happy Happy Happy. Well that was before I decided to talk to A this morning. I think its just a good idea if we don't talk. You know...like when you fuck that guy you can't stand looking at so you just close your eyes and pretend you're somewhere else. Like that.
Supposed to snow. I love snow. Only 3 inches though!
Spent tons of hours playing Uncharted. Getting better at shooting and actually enjoying the game too. Got Borderlands today. Excited. Anyone wanna give me a PS3 headset? Pweeasse?

'These crazy stupid mutherfuckers wont leave me alone'

Has anyone else checked out the new Motion City Soundtrack album? Also 30 Seconds to Mars is coming new again along with My Chemical Romance. There are tons more new albums from bands I love but I forget who.

Need to go to bed, is 10pm already. Smoooches! Who wants to do Peri's suggested Fat Free February?

This is the Section about A, if you'd rather move on to another blog, I encourage you to do so. No use wasting time right?

I was really upset when I woke up this morning anyway actually. I realized something very important about A that hadn't occurred to me. But I forget now. I wish I had remembered so maybe this time I wouldn't talk to him like we were friends. We're not really. More like two ppl who know each other and hate each other and don't trust the other. Its like we're married already. Fucking fuck.
      When people fall in love, they usually do it face to face. Not over cyber space, yeah? It makes it too impersonal and too easy to lie. You don't get to see the pain or hear it, neither do you get to experience the love and trust they tell you they feel. I lied about my weight, yes. I hated myself because I'm not one to lie about something so...stupid. Anything else I didn't like or felt, I told A. I told him I didn't trust him and why, I told him about my family, about my situation, about everything.
       The whole time...he was reading this very blog he was telling me he trusted me more than anyone, that I could never do anything wrong, that I could never do anything that would make him stop loving me. At the same time I told him that I knew things would change, and I would do something one day that he would hate me for. Which...is just life. I realize this. I know things will become bad, because the guys I meet tend to hold me up on this as this vision. I am as I am, no more or less. I said that a thousand times. I'm not amazing I'm not perfect. I don't want to be. I'm human, I have flesh and I bleed blood. I am...disappointed you A. For lying so much to me. All through it, or so it seems.
   What makes someone go looking for things they shouldn't? I feel like he would read my diary given the chance, if I left it out. I feel like he would go through my emails, I feel like he would read my txts. I feel like I would have a lot to answer for where he would read. I have nothing to hide, but that fact that he thinks I do is painful. I can't even explain how much it hurts. I feel like he was just...trowing a tantrum. Like he wanted to find something to be angry about just so he could be mean to me because he wasn't happy. I feel like he went looking for a reason, where there wasn't one.

Here's my logic as to why he went looking for my blog:
1 - He was just playing around and got sick of me so he went and found a reason to bail
2 - He's the most selfish mutherfucker, beside my brother and father, that I've met.
3 - He has a big ego and if something ain't stroking it, that something has to go

Because..logically...you don't love someone for a month. Logically, you don't do do things you're asked not to, if you do trust someone. It makes sense to confront someone if they're are saying hurtful things about you. Not hold on to those things until they make you sick to the teeth of the one you said you loved. I'm pretty sure wasn't writing anything I wasn't telling, or trying to tell him. But he wont admit he's wrong, and that he felt guilty, which is why he didn't tell me about it.

I've realized what sort of person he is, finally. Its eluded me because I didn't want to see it. There are so many things about him that bother me, and make warning bells go off in my head. I ignored those things because I thought I cared a lot about him. Its easy for him to be mean, just as much as it is for him to be nice. Its all about what suits him. He chooses to ignore things that point out his faults or prove him wrong or call him on his bullshit. Anything he doesn't want to deal with he wont.
Ugh why am I even writing this? Who the fuck cares? He's basically the type of person I despise. I despise those type of people because they love to manipulate, and to feign being indignant, and to cause a lot of drama.
    And A, you might be thinking the same muddied thoughts and cursing my name. And you don't have to continue to talk to me. I wouldn't feel anything either way...having had all of this insight. But you're wrong. I never pretended to be someone I wasn't. I pretended to have something I didn't yes, but I was never different than I am here or anywhere else you go searching to read about me. You changed...or maybe you didn't and I just...made up my own version of you to love. For you to be mad at me for writing how I felt, for writing how unfair and douchy you are being...you shouldn't be mad at anyone but yourself. I didn't make you look like anything you weren't already being. I didn't say you did anything you didn't.
Now gently remove your tampon, and try again.

Masochist....And the Journal Fodder

I guess I can't really complain about all the fucked up shit that's happening...because....I let it happen. You know?

Yesterday...tuesday,  felt like a really bad sort of dream. The kind where you wake up and you're angry the whole day because of it? Yeah....So Wednesday was an angry day for me. I'm really sorry for all the drama. Though, you all know I'm dramatic eh?

So...we spent an hour killing each other in Uncharted 2 multiplayer. Good, very very good, therapy.

Wtf right? Who the Fuck do I think I am...complaining and bitching and being an utter nutter. But I can't help how I feel. I hate him, he makes me so angry, he makes me want to strangle him. He makes me cry, he makes me want to kill myself. He loves to torture me, and I love to taunt him.

Do I have an explanation? No. Am I in my right mind? I'm not sure.
I'm still angry with him. I still want to punch him in the guts until he can't move for a month. This is so toxic. Well....many of my relationships are. Whether they be with family or friends. They say victims subconsciously look for the fucked up situations they've been through, over and over again. I apply that here. I don't know whats going to happen, but I'll stop being a hypocrite. I'm sure you're fed up with it too. Sorry.

Anyway. Breakfast was a purge time. Haven't had lunch. 4 unsalted crackers with less than a teaspoon of PB between them. Cups of coffee to keep me going. I tried to eat a reeses cup but OMG they are so sweet, makes my teeth hurt. Down another lb today. God I guess stress is good for me. Can't really eat anything anyway. For two days now without anything in my stomach it still feels like I'm going to puke. Like...when you're sick and you can't help it puke. Tons of saliva and compulsive swallowing. Uugh. I have been up for 24 hours. Its going to be another six before I let myself go to sleep.
Been catching up on your bloggies, and I'm so happy to see KEMPER back! Yay! Also Peri over Glue and Pieces is proposing Triple F. Fat Free February. Sort of like the event we did in Oct. I'm not sure the details but is seems like a FANTASTICAL idea.
Happy to see goals met by some, and happy to see strength from everyone! I wubs you all. Thank you so much for putting up with my crazy ass. It can't be easy.

Cuntrolling Basterd

I'm very angry right now. The sort of anger that simmers right in the middle of your chest. Because I have been a fool.
I let A control me, once again. I should have just ignored his craziness and then his self serving denials. Ugh! I mean I just wanted to be left alone. I left him alone didn't I? Didn't I move on with my life? Didn't I forget all of the pain, at least for a while?

God yes! I did! But he couldn't be content with that surely. No, he had to drag up the old feelings and confusions. Just so he could be sure I wouldn't stop writing about him and that I wouldn't forget him. Me being happy does not fit anywhere into his equations.
    He had it all you know. Freedom to do as he bloody pleased. To not have to spend hours talking to me late at night and pretending to want to be there. He made it a point to tell me the only reason he was talking to me was to defend himself against my blog, to me. So how did we end up with +20 emails? Hmmm, because he couldn't admit to actually wanting to talk to me, and being an asshole was the only way he could do that.


   Tell me. What sense does it make to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you, about their personal blog? What sense does it make to be upset about the things someone writes? Thats like being upset when you read someone's journal, which YOU DON'T DO. Where is the sense doing something wrong and then coming back WAY after the fact to be upset and malicious about it? Not only did he tell me he's been reading it for a long time, he told me that was the reason he didn't love me anymore, and that was the reason he 'let me got so easily'. He could have just said he didn't like what I was doing, not thrown in a whole bunch of stupid hurtful reasons, WHICH YOU LATER DENIED.
The reason is pride. The reason is vanity.
  Then he says(god I ought to just post the whole thing here eh?) He says that it didn't matter to him what I wrote. Yet he continued to read. He was a jerk to me because I pricked his pride, and instead of talking to me about it he let me go on trusting him. The reason he didn't tell me he was reading this was because he had done the same thing before on another blog and I had 'freaked out' as he said. Admissions of guilt never seems so from the guilty party.
He was upset because I 'made him look like a tool'. Well my love, I didn't have to do anything on that front.. Once again ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.
He got me again.
I have never and will never censor myself, not especially for a whiny little LIAR who sees no problems in making sure he has some sort of dirt on the person he supposedly loves so that when the time comes he can hurt that person in every way for a long long time. One has to wonder if he learned it from his ex.
  So now along with my posts about weight and about barfing and about not eating there will be a new segment just for you my darling. A segment where I speak my mind about you and all of your bullshit. Stripping you down for all of my...what was it...2 or 3 readers? All press is good press, right? Well now you've got your wish, your spotlight in my life. You've done well in making certain I would never stop my tirades about you, never let this go. You're so smart and clever. Conniving and evil.
Hmm. I feel better.
Love you.

And LEST I FORGET!!

May I be struck down for not saying so earlier. I am a terrible girl full of spite and conspiracy and lies who not only preys in the souls of innocent children but apparently is also the WORST person ever for having a blog and writing about other people in it. I purposely hurt other peoples' feelings because I'm just that sort of person. I have no care whatsoever for the well fare of others I am a vampire who sucks the life from everyone around me.

I have nothing to offer the world, but my bitterness. I am not worth holding on to because I lied about my weight to A. I say horrible things all the time and I should not be allowed to defend my feelings because they don't matter. Lets see, what other despicable things have I done that would warrant someone not loving me anymore? EH? Hmmmm............I can't think of anything. Well since I've admitted to all of my crimes....Ummm lets see no wait....I said a whole bunch of hurtful things. But because I said them, it makes them a crime punishable by death of my soul and other part.
I am ready for the bullet to the head now.

Kthnxbye

Do you hear that? The swinging rope?

I know that my heart, and my head are a little bit broken. Excuse the melodrama if you will. My head broke the night I spent outside at my high school you all remember. My heart broke tonight when I realized that we have a secret reader, friends.You all know him, if you've been reading. Oh yes my girls. The internetz boy is a reader of this fine and upstanding blog. Reading my every failure and mistake. Who knew?
I certainly didn't...because I asked him not to.

Oh don't give me that look girls. I wasn't stupid enough to dangle it in front of him and then tell him he couldn't have it. No, he looked for it on his own. I'm so lucky
So now that I'm completely broken there are a few options. Death...hanging maybe? Or...what else really? Slow death from starvation...or hanging. Plenty of nice trees out there. Just need some rope.

You see girls, every once in a while there is a person in your life that you love, more than anything and you take every measure of their faults and you put them aside because well...you love them. Sure you may rant and rave to your friends, say angry things and be mean. In the end, though, you hope to god that all of it will pass and that the world you share with that person will right itself and go back to normal. You hope that they will forgive you like you forgive them and even if they're still angry you know that they love you. Its the kind of love with no delusions. Somehow you know that you and the person you're with are meant to be together. Not just for today, or tomorrow, but for a while yet.
Now I don't know much about love, but I know that its sort of constant. This boy has said and done things that would make any person cry. Me, well I can tell you I've shed more tears than anyone like him deserves of me. He's agreed with me about haw pathetic is is to waste my devotion on him. But here I am again. And again, and...again. What does it take for a person to truly learn to stop loving someone? Harsh words? Admissions of betrayal? Broken trust?
I surely don't know, and this is why I say love is constant. Because...well I still do love him. He's betrayed my trust three times...oh yes I count the time he wasn't talking to me as a betrayal. He has hurt me as deep, if not deeper than my family has. I can't even stand to talk to him unless I'm pretending he was the person I thought he was. And still. Through all of that here I come like a beaten and kicked, but ever loyal dog, limping and whining. Coming back to its temperamental master for more of the same hoping one day I'll get a pat on the head instead of a well placed foot to the chest. Oh yes my girls, he has broken my heart this time. But...I love him. Because I am stupid, truly.
I think the best thing to do is bury myself under a crush of other bodies, never enjoying anything but making my body so reprehensible that eventually I will be only good enough for the streets. Once again forgive the melodrama. One shouldn't let a love drive you to death surely? I don't really...see a light in my tunnel right now girls. I don't feel like things are getting better anymore.

Ah, but you don't care do you girls and boys? All you want are the sordid details so that you too can store them up inside you like precious pointy gems. So that when you want you can press them deep into my skin and laugh. Is there no one here I can trust!
God that admission has really...brought it home. I'm not wort it. I'm a waste of space. Ouch.

I want nothing more than for this to end. So shall I be writing out my will? I'm not of sound mind I don't think. I think I'm well and truly broken, and that wont hold in a court of law. Ah what to do my girls? Oh and you as well A. Please I should love to know how I should end it to please you all. Don't want my readers to be disappointed. Oh no. No...because this blog was never about me or my feelings was it?
It was all about you.

Poms

So the last two days....no purging.....I feel bad. Well I mostly feel bad because I've taken in 1500 cals each the last two days.

Today was maybe better. My stomach is turning though even though I ate 1/4 of what everyone else had for dinner and maybe 100 cals for breakfast. I think its the breakfast part that's fucking me up. I don't eat that early in the morning...well if 11am can be called early.

Been very productive in the crafting area, working on some blankets to send to Haiti. I don't have a lot of money but I was able to donate 15$ to a really awesome charity. Of course the charity was sponsored by a Harry Potter group. The HP Alliance is great, and they're raising money for an organization that has been down in Haiti helping for decades. It was an awesome Web-athon. Evanna Lynch and Matt Lewis phoned in, it was awesome and Matt offered to follow twitters of those who donated 50$. Got to see live performances as well. Tom Felton is also putting his signed guitar in for the raffle. NO joke. It was touched by TOM FELTON. AHHHHH!!!!!

Happy Happy Joy.

Soooo erm...there's these guys who I think like me. One is here, where I live. The other is in Seattle. The one in Seattle, I've known him for 6 years. He's the sweetest guy ever! Helped me through my first really bad break up. I'm not sure I like him in that way, or if he actually likes me that way too. Despite the crazy emails and txt's. Like 'My perfect day would be (insert my name) cuddles all day'. I hope its just that hes being nice. He doesn't drink, and I love getting drunk....so that would be weird. The other guy is awesome, but not my type at all. I don't want to lead anyone on, so I'm not making overly flirty remarks or comments. I just really hope they're being nice.
Boys disgust me...they literally make my stomach turn. Still getting over you know who.

Oh girls...and boys maybe? I feel so sick. I plan on getting really drunk. Damn the calories.

What what you do if someone you loved all of a sudden began treating you badly? Would you stay in the relationship just because you hoped your love would conquer all? Would you be the first to call it quits or would you wait because you couldn't bear to leave them first? Also would you let someone you loved go on thinking bad things about you and disrespecting you because you were tired of fighting about everything and just wanted them to be happy?
Have you ever been so in love that you feel like you're addicted to that person?

I miss being close to you guys and knowing what you're doing. So I'm off to read blogs, all 48 of you....maybe lol.

Happy post of not so happy things?

I wanted to give a more upbeat something for y'all......but. This morning I woke up to my friend's father screaming. LITERALLY screaming. At her. For fucking up. It was so scary I made myself go back into a coma for the rest of the day. I've left my room 3 times.

Did I mention that I have really bad anxiety, paranoia, and depression.....soooo that outburst made me feel like if I came out of my room I was going to get murdered. I had to wait for everyone to leave the house before getting up the courage to open my door. Scary

On the plus side.....I'm knitting something cute...
Lame I know.

I stuffed my face every 20 mins last night for about an hour and ended up purging pizza at the last bit. I hate pizza so much. It wasn't even tasty. I just ate it because I wanted to...all that blasted cheese. I hate that. whenever you binge nothing tastes good at all. Usually because you're not paying attention to the taste as you gobble it all down. But then I feel guilty for eating because I didn't even ENJOY what I scarffed. So bleah. No pity. One lb down on the scale, had a great hot shower with delicious minty foot scrub. Clean hair, nice beautiful rainy day and night. Happily sequestered in my room. All alone. YAY.

Have just begun discovering the advantage of knowing boys in real life and talking to them online. Because I don't have to fake a single thing. They've seen me in all my fatty glory and still want to talk to me. Crazy. I'm actually a cool person. But don't get your hopes up. This doesn't mean I'm interested in boys atm. I'm not. Every time I even think about dating I want hide under my bed lol.

Thanks for the comments girls. Trying to catch up on yours....kind of impossible....SORRY *tears*

Its been that long has it?

Sorry guys, I know I left you on pins and needles, maybe.

I talked internet boy. Known as 'A' from now on. A and I tried to work it out, not work through it...more like pretend it didn't happen. But I can't do that. I have too much history with him, I had too many feelings. Soon after that day when he emailed me I began to realize that...I hated talking to him now. He was getting really annoying to me. It was his wanting to be better than me at everything. He had to be the worse person, he had to be the strongest, the smartest, the one who abused the most drugs. It wasn't....fun or happy to be around him anymore. I tried to stick it out. Tried to get over my anger and eventual revulsion. But I didn't like ignoring what happened, I didn't like not talking about how to fix us. I didn't like knowing that I was the on hold girlfriend.

So I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk anymore. Suffice to say, he didn't even put up a fight. He just said ok, I'm going to block and delete you then.

Another thing that really....pushed me into this was him always telling me that he wasn't good enough for anyone, that he wasn't worth my feelings or worth my time. He was pushing me away, and it got to the point where I just didn't want to be around him. I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't understand or recognize the person he or I had become.

Since that night, yeah I've missed him, but I haven't txt'd or emailed or anything. I think I want to talk to him sometimes, but I know I truly would hate it. I look at his facebook pic now instead of going to his profile. I know I'm never going to get any sort of answers. Not the ones I want anyway.

I think...I was in love with the idea of him. I think, in real life he wouldn't be a person I looked twice at, or could stay in the same room talking with. It sucks because he acted like such a great guy. Usually, about an hour after I said I didn't want to talk to him anymore I would have freaked and tried to talk to him. I would have regretted it. But I don't regret it now. I want him to come to me if he wants me, because he just laid down and took it up the ass. His actions spoke volumes to me. Where he always said he wanted to be with me no matter what. He never understood that actions speak louder than words.. Its sad that I'm still in that 'I would take you back' stage. Can't wait for that to be over.

So that's over. Sadly, and I wish it had ended differently,

I've gone only one night this week without throwing up at least one meal that I've eaten. I can't stop myself....I'm getting to the stage where it feels good to get it all out. But I also smell everything much more sharply now, and most things smell like grease or barf or dirt. I have to shower constantly and my skin is hating me for it. But....well you all know. Weight going down. I love it.

I've been thinking over my life, and realizing that it is seriously fucked up. Like....who lives the way I do? Who goes through this kind of shit on the regular? I know there are things that are worse than what I've gone through, but I will always be scarred by this. Always be scarred by having to move halfway across the country then deal with an eviction by my mother. Having to live with a family I don't know or understand and feeling so so so alone. Then having one bright ray of hope, who turned out to be a little bitch.
You can wrap a turd in foil but it will still smell like shit. If it looks and smells like shit, it is shit. Ya know. And that's what my life is on the inside. I might go into the military and make money, pay off my loans and bills and get my self in order. But on the inside I will still be depressed, hate my body and think about killing myself everyday. I will still have a fucked up relationship with my family. I will want to disown them. I will still secretly hate all of my friends. I will still want to run in front of speeding cars and get splattered in the most painful way.

I've realized that I just...can't deal with it all. I've really shut down these past few weeks. That's why I haven't been able to post, or haven't been feeling anything hurtful. All I feel is anger sometimes.

I don't cut anymore because the scars are black and ugly. I'm ugly enough without that. The great thing about bulimia, is that you don't have to pretend to eat. When you don't eat people don't notice...or sometimes they do. But you have to pretend to make a sandwich, or pretend to have eaten earlier. With this, people see you eat. And they see you eat tons because you can't help stuffing your face. But they don't see you barf it up later. Its a guilty thing. I'm supposed to be loosing weight, which I am. To outside people however, it must look like I've just given up on that. I'm happy to finally be beating the scale. But that's about it. I'm angry, and I feel despair.
I really needed to vent and I appreciate you being here. Really. I think about you guys who comment everyday and I'm sorry I missed so much. I wish I was a better person, but I just can't get the hang of these social niceties. I'll make sure to leave in my suicide note instructions to inform you that I've died by drinking bleach or something. Don't want you to wonder for too long.

Anyway. I can't sleep so I'm going to watch movies and pretend I'm not a giant fatty blob of self denial and hate.

Torn ACL

Not mine, my friend's. Decided to go snowboarding for the first time in 4 years. Karma is a bitch cuz she's been acting like Miss Better Than Everyone. Ugh...things catch up to you and I really hate that this had happened to her, but it did. She's also the kind of person who never learns a lesson. And she's going to be the most demanding piece of shit on the entire planet. I'm going to hate my life for the next few weeks

So anyway!

Me. Lol. I forgave Dick Bag Jr, a.k.a. Internetz Boy. I needed to let him go and I think now it will be done for me. I feel much better. There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him that I wasn't able to, so I stated a journal to write down my feelings and stuff. But also I would write him letters in it. It helped me get closure and say the things I wanted. Call him the name I wanted to and not get judged for it.
Also working out A LOT more. good for me as I really need more energy. Tons of cardio. Lots of small small vegetarian snacks. Basically the same things I've been doing all a long but with the help of a friend and Whole Foods.
The program I'm working no tells me I need 2,400 cals a day. NO THANK YOU. I get way panicked if I have over 1,800 cals in a day...even in a couple days. So I'm bringing it down and having more liquid meals. This one that I got from Whole Foods is pretty good I'm not hungry at all and you can add water of milk, soy milk for me. Water adds not extra cals of course. Lots of energy bars, watching cals there too, and fiber. Veggies galore.
I've also changed a lot of the products I use. Natural deodorant...no aluminum which can cause Alzheimer's. Its so nice smelling. You still sweat but don't smell. I hate when I use the really potent stuff and I go to shower and its waterproof gunk. Creeps me out, makes me wonder what's happening to my pores. Changed my shampoo and conditioner. They're like 3$ each at WF's. My hair looks and feels sooooo nice! Dr. Bronner's for soap I love the minty freshness of it but there are some other amazing scents. LOL. Don't I sound like a walking infomercial?
Anyway. So working on my image inside out . I feel good and I haven't purged in a while. Restricting on a diet, no one notices...kind of  a fun trick.

Hearts and strength my darling. I'll have more juicy tidbits for the next time I'm sure, seeing as Dick Bag Jr just emailed me...ooer.