None of those words ever apply to fat people like me.
You know the fattest word I hate? Jovial. I hear it and instantly think santa-esque. Kill me.
So there's this boy. I know, I know....boy troubles.
I haven't spoken to him in about 8 months. I thought it was over. I thought I loved him and that he felt the same about me.
I got an email from him this morning. Nothing substantial. I don't know what to think.
In my life of struggle, I barely eat because I am so stressed out. Which is good and bad. The last two time I worked out for an hour and passed out when I was done. I guess blacked out, is a better word.
But as a plus, none of my clothes fit. Thank you Ana.
I'm finally going vegetarian and I'm very serious about it. One of the upsides it that my family doesn't buy a lot of health food. So I refuse to eat anything, if it's not vegetarian. I continue to loose weight I eat one meal about every 18 hours, and that is less than or equal to 800 cals. I work out 3 times a week for an hour.
I know I can get down to 500 cals a day, but what else do you suggest? I feel very stuck inside my fat body. I'll never bee thin like you guys. I'm so depressed.
My mom is trying to kick me out, but it's her fault I'm even here. I was on the deans list at college, then one day she calls up and says she's pulling ht loan she took out and that I'll just have to find my way.
That's how I ended up in Texas for a month. Because of her I have no job which means no money. I don't have a degree to show for all of my hard work, and I've been sleeping on a couch for 4 months. She's a bitch and I really hate the way she treats me. As if I'm not fucked up enough, I have Hitler for a mother. She's conniving and devious, and a hypocrite. She's the most fake person I know. She's full of shit.
I'm working on leaving before she can have the satisfaction of throwing me out. I literally have no where to go, and no way to get there. I did find a shelter, but I think I'd rather kill myself. I've been thinking about suicide a lot. The thought that this torment might one day end is the only thing that keeps my anxiety at bay. I think when no one is home I'm going to hook up the vacuum hose to the exhaust in one of the cars, and just sit inside while the car runs. I might even get all dressed up so I'm all ready to go into my grave when they find me. I don't feel bad about this because I'm doing it for me. I do hope she goes mad from the guilt, but I'm not holding my breath.
I just want the pain and confusion, the frustration and self-loathing to stop. I want her to go away.
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2 comments:
I know how you feel, thinking so much about suicide and it being perhaps, the best revenge. And you know what? I'm not going to tell you it isn't. I have yet to fully believe that myself. But it is a big decision. And I like to think of it this way:
If I'm going to go, I'm going to go on my own accord. I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing they ran me into the ground. I'm not giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing that I couldn't handle it. That they were right all along. Never let anyone have control over you. Regardless of how furious they make you.
Keep your chin up. This is a really fucked up world we live in. But don't let this world fuck you up.
<3 much love,
Pro
Who will I have to complain to if you kill yourself? There are plenty of people who would be beside themself if you were gone (myself very much included), and in the face of what you have to put up with at home, if your mom doesn't care about you, wouldn't the better revenge be leaving and making something of yourself? Being able to stand on your own two feet? If there is ANYONE who could, it would be you. SERIOUSLY.
And this better not be one of your internet boyfriends...*shakes finger and tuts*
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