I wonder sometimes if I were asked to marry someone....what would I say.
The whole scenario fills me with a fear and anxiety. I would say no most likely the first time.
I've come to realize that loving people or being close to people is a very scary thing to me. Maybe because I'm afraid of ..loosing myself. Truthfully that's what I want to do. I want to lean into someone and take their strength and not have to worry about holding up my shield to the rest of the world.
But back to losing weight...lol
I didn't binge...not really...but I did eat a pastry and I couldn't leave that inside my body. Throwing up broccoli is very disconcerting by the way. So green.
I'll see the weight change by tomorrow morning
It never fails that every month right before the call of nature comes, I get upset and disoriented. Depressed irritated. I go inside myself and try to deal with these feelings. I deal with it a week before and after. Then I get two weeks of freedom. And just once I'd like to have a whole month to be happy.
Don't I have enough to deal with mentally...without the chemical imbalances?
Silly question to ask I'm sure.
I think its soon time for bed.
3 comments:
I know the feeling. My period knocks me out of whack BAD. This one is particularly violent. I've been screwed up for three weeks because of it.
The worst thing I've ever purged is salmon. Normally, purging doesn't turn off my appetite toward something, but that just...ugh...never, ever, ever again. It's so hard for me to eat that shit, now.
And about the loving someone...
Love is terrifying. Right now, you can't picture marrying someone, because you probably can't picture what love is. Or what healthy, stable love is. It's...horrifying. The last two relationships I was in were just...madness. Terrible things. Sort of. The first one was beautiful and young, and naive. The second was terrible. I did lose me. I lost me for a very long time. You forget who you are, and it becomes codependent and crazy and just...terrifying and addicting and beautiful and terrible and ugly and wonderful and it's...scary.
But that's what first love is. That's the passion and romance people strive for, but it's not what LOVE is.
I think we need to go through that, to realize that we're okay without it, and to get over our initial addiction to it. There's something to be said for peace. And that's what I think love is. That's what I look for, at least. Yes, someone to drive me crazy, but not someone who I will lose myself in. Who I will stop existing as a singular person with. But someone who I can be an individual with. Someone who will be an individual with me. Not part of me, or me part of them. But two separate people who are separate together.
The calm in the storm. The shelter. The friend. The advice. The companion. Two people capable of surviving on their own, deciding to do it together. Where nobody is lost, but something is found. Does that make sense? People equate love with losing so much, that it's sad. When I think true love should be an act of finding something. a friend, a companion, a sanctuary...whatever it is.
But...I dunno. I've been single for a very long time, so I guess it's easier to come up with pretty philosophies than anything else, lol.
Right now I'm on a birthcontrol pill called Seasonale that is really pretty great. I would recommend it. It's (as it states) a seasonal pill, so you take it for three months straight then have a period, then three months again, etc... Four periods a year!
Maybe ask your doctor about it =]
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