Yeah, Peri, loved in past tense...but.... I still have feelings for him of course. I still hope he'll wake up and miss me more than life, more than his drugs, more than his selfishness.
I'm not holding my breath though.
The yesterday and today have been days that I've eaten. Good choices as far a nutrition goes. Bad choices for calories....since I have no idea how many I consumed. I know I had...340 cals for lunch yesterday. And a tall peppermint java chip frapp. Then came home and had chili...small amount. With cornbread, no butter. Broccoli casserole, barley an ounce, followed. Water and then tea. I love tea and thank god I have no more black tea because I put sugar and milk into it. Add on one shortbread biscuit. Writting it out seems horrendous now.
Today, one very dry, very small, cranberry muffin that I made myself...tons of fiber and wheat germ added. Slice of rye toast I know that was 80 cals. 90 cals worth of feta cheese, flat, unsalted crackers, dried cranberries. For dinner beans, a few chunks of potato and toast. 120 cals of butter. Another biscuit.
Restricting....going back to it...is hard. Its like I've forgotten the safe foods and so feel very lost opening the fridge. Its so weird...where before, when the internet boy was around, he knew about my problems, but his concern made me eat more...to soothe his worry. For so long I ate, not what I wanted but...whenever. Never staying away. I haven't been out running in forever. Ugh.
I just want things to go back to normal. I want to finish loosing this weight and I want to go into the air force, get my finances right and travel. Have lots of sex. Maybe
Which reminds me that I got invited to a BDSM New Years party. Wondering if I should go. What do you think?
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1 comment:
I was the same when i met my ex...i was in a bad place in my disordered habits, and coz it worried him so much, i worked really hard to eat healthily, so he didn't feel like every meal would be a challenge for me...now im back to where i started.
Hope you have an awesome NYE sweets! xoxo
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