I'm starting the cleanse today instead of monday. Because I can.
Its rainy and gloomy, which I love.
I've been thinking about the beset way to pull the wool over people's eyes about what I've been eating. And I've never had to waste food before but I think I may have to start leaving evidence around. I don't like being forced to eat, or pressured to eat.
Sometimes I think I just want to go on living as I have. Being depressed and upset, unable to focus, cold, and unsociable. But only because I have been that way for so long I can't really deal with happy, carefree and loving. But there is that tiny kernel of myself that doesn't want to be...me anymore. I want to go out and feel happy. I want to stop over thinking and bask in the moments of life.
And lately I've begun to realize that I wont be happy when I'm thin.....not mentally happy. Yes I'll be able to walk confidently into stores, and yes my chest will be a regular size..I hope. But...I'll always hate myself. I struggle with that, and I struggle with...trying to be a stable person.
I don't want to go on any anti-depressants, though it has been recommended. I want to be strong enough to work through it all.
That's what it's all about in the end isn't it? Strength. Willpower. Dedication.
One day people will be proud of me.
But even more important. One day I'll be proud of myself.
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2 comments:
This post alone is one step in the right direction. I'm proud of you Sparrow!
And if you find you need help, give the meds a try. Or maybe therapy first (if you're not already in). You are strong. If not, then you wouldn't have gotten to where you currently are.
Good luck!
-Pro <3
*hugs* You will be proud, and I hope that day comes soon!! I'm proud of you already :p
I'm using meds a a temporary pole to keep me off the bottom of the rabbit hole, while I work on ways to haul myself up on my own strength permanently.
It's a hard fight, but it's worth it. You can do this Sparrow!! Those wing's aren't just there for decoration, are they? :p
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