Cuntrolling Basterd

I'm very angry right now. The sort of anger that simmers right in the middle of your chest. Because I have been a fool.
I let A control me, once again. I should have just ignored his craziness and then his self serving denials. Ugh! I mean I just wanted to be left alone. I left him alone didn't I? Didn't I move on with my life? Didn't I forget all of the pain, at least for a while?

God yes! I did! But he couldn't be content with that surely. No, he had to drag up the old feelings and confusions. Just so he could be sure I wouldn't stop writing about him and that I wouldn't forget him. Me being happy does not fit anywhere into his equations.
    He had it all you know. Freedom to do as he bloody pleased. To not have to spend hours talking to me late at night and pretending to want to be there. He made it a point to tell me the only reason he was talking to me was to defend himself against my blog, to me. So how did we end up with +20 emails? Hmmm, because he couldn't admit to actually wanting to talk to me, and being an asshole was the only way he could do that.


   Tell me. What sense does it make to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you, about their personal blog? What sense does it make to be upset about the things someone writes? Thats like being upset when you read someone's journal, which YOU DON'T DO. Where is the sense doing something wrong and then coming back WAY after the fact to be upset and malicious about it? Not only did he tell me he's been reading it for a long time, he told me that was the reason he didn't love me anymore, and that was the reason he 'let me got so easily'. He could have just said he didn't like what I was doing, not thrown in a whole bunch of stupid hurtful reasons, WHICH YOU LATER DENIED.
The reason is pride. The reason is vanity.
  Then he says(god I ought to just post the whole thing here eh?) He says that it didn't matter to him what I wrote. Yet he continued to read. He was a jerk to me because I pricked his pride, and instead of talking to me about it he let me go on trusting him. The reason he didn't tell me he was reading this was because he had done the same thing before on another blog and I had 'freaked out' as he said. Admissions of guilt never seems so from the guilty party.
He was upset because I 'made him look like a tool'. Well my love, I didn't have to do anything on that front.. Once again ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.
He got me again.
I have never and will never censor myself, not especially for a whiny little LIAR who sees no problems in making sure he has some sort of dirt on the person he supposedly loves so that when the time comes he can hurt that person in every way for a long long time. One has to wonder if he learned it from his ex.
  So now along with my posts about weight and about barfing and about not eating there will be a new segment just for you my darling. A segment where I speak my mind about you and all of your bullshit. Stripping you down for all of my...what was it...2 or 3 readers? All press is good press, right? Well now you've got your wish, your spotlight in my life. You've done well in making certain I would never stop my tirades about you, never let this go. You're so smart and clever. Conniving and evil.
Hmm. I feel better.
Love you.