The Philosphy of two Vain people.

186.5 This morning girls.
Last night's din was under 200 cals and was still purged. Today=grapes, doritos and 1/4 cup chili made w/ turkey. No purge because everyone came home before I had a chance to. Having cravings for something gooey and hot...But I'm tired and its late. Maybe PB and some crackers? Need water most likely ...really dehydrated.
Stayed up 28 hours from Wed till yesterday. I was mostly playing Uncharted, but I wanted to get my sleep schedule back on track and the only way I could do it was to stay up until 8 the next day(thurs). It worked...sort of. Woke up at 12 today lol.

30 min jog, not enough energy for a whole hour. Was feeling super giddy and weird today. Happy Happy Happy. Well that was before I decided to talk to A this morning. I think its just a good idea if we don't talk. You know...like when you fuck that guy you can't stand looking at so you just close your eyes and pretend you're somewhere else. Like that.
Supposed to snow. I love snow. Only 3 inches though!
Spent tons of hours playing Uncharted. Getting better at shooting and actually enjoying the game too. Got Borderlands today. Excited. Anyone wanna give me a PS3 headset? Pweeasse?

'These crazy stupid mutherfuckers wont leave me alone'

Has anyone else checked out the new Motion City Soundtrack album? Also 30 Seconds to Mars is coming new again along with My Chemical Romance. There are tons more new albums from bands I love but I forget who.

Need to go to bed, is 10pm already. Smoooches! Who wants to do Peri's suggested Fat Free February?

This is the Section about A, if you'd rather move on to another blog, I encourage you to do so. No use wasting time right?

I was really upset when I woke up this morning anyway actually. I realized something very important about A that hadn't occurred to me. But I forget now. I wish I had remembered so maybe this time I wouldn't talk to him like we were friends. We're not really. More like two ppl who know each other and hate each other and don't trust the other. Its like we're married already. Fucking fuck.
      When people fall in love, they usually do it face to face. Not over cyber space, yeah? It makes it too impersonal and too easy to lie. You don't get to see the pain or hear it, neither do you get to experience the love and trust they tell you they feel. I lied about my weight, yes. I hated myself because I'm not one to lie about something so...stupid. Anything else I didn't like or felt, I told A. I told him I didn't trust him and why, I told him about my family, about my situation, about everything.
       The whole time...he was reading this very blog he was telling me he trusted me more than anyone, that I could never do anything wrong, that I could never do anything that would make him stop loving me. At the same time I told him that I knew things would change, and I would do something one day that he would hate me for. Which...is just life. I realize this. I know things will become bad, because the guys I meet tend to hold me up on this as this vision. I am as I am, no more or less. I said that a thousand times. I'm not amazing I'm not perfect. I don't want to be. I'm human, I have flesh and I bleed blood. I am...disappointed you A. For lying so much to me. All through it, or so it seems.
   What makes someone go looking for things they shouldn't? I feel like he would read my diary given the chance, if I left it out. I feel like he would go through my emails, I feel like he would read my txts. I feel like I would have a lot to answer for where he would read. I have nothing to hide, but that fact that he thinks I do is painful. I can't even explain how much it hurts. I feel like he was just...trowing a tantrum. Like he wanted to find something to be angry about just so he could be mean to me because he wasn't happy. I feel like he went looking for a reason, where there wasn't one.

Here's my logic as to why he went looking for my blog:
1 - He was just playing around and got sick of me so he went and found a reason to bail
2 - He's the most selfish mutherfucker, beside my brother and father, that I've met.
3 - He has a big ego and if something ain't stroking it, that something has to go

Because..logically...you don't love someone for a month. Logically, you don't do do things you're asked not to, if you do trust someone. It makes sense to confront someone if they're are saying hurtful things about you. Not hold on to those things until they make you sick to the teeth of the one you said you loved. I'm pretty sure wasn't writing anything I wasn't telling, or trying to tell him. But he wont admit he's wrong, and that he felt guilty, which is why he didn't tell me about it.

I've realized what sort of person he is, finally. Its eluded me because I didn't want to see it. There are so many things about him that bother me, and make warning bells go off in my head. I ignored those things because I thought I cared a lot about him. Its easy for him to be mean, just as much as it is for him to be nice. Its all about what suits him. He chooses to ignore things that point out his faults or prove him wrong or call him on his bullshit. Anything he doesn't want to deal with he wont.
Ugh why am I even writing this? Who the fuck cares? He's basically the type of person I despise. I despise those type of people because they love to manipulate, and to feign being indignant, and to cause a lot of drama.
    And A, you might be thinking the same muddied thoughts and cursing my name. And you don't have to continue to talk to me. I wouldn't feel anything either way...having had all of this insight. But you're wrong. I never pretended to be someone I wasn't. I pretended to have something I didn't yes, but I was never different than I am here or anywhere else you go searching to read about me. You changed...or maybe you didn't and I just...made up my own version of you to love. For you to be mad at me for writing how I felt, for writing how unfair and douchy you are being...you shouldn't be mad at anyone but yourself. I didn't make you look like anything you weren't already being. I didn't say you did anything you didn't.
Now gently remove your tampon, and try again.