Do you hear that? The swinging rope?

I know that my heart, and my head are a little bit broken. Excuse the melodrama if you will. My head broke the night I spent outside at my high school you all remember. My heart broke tonight when I realized that we have a secret reader, friends.You all know him, if you've been reading. Oh yes my girls. The internetz boy is a reader of this fine and upstanding blog. Reading my every failure and mistake. Who knew?
I certainly didn't...because I asked him not to.

Oh don't give me that look girls. I wasn't stupid enough to dangle it in front of him and then tell him he couldn't have it. No, he looked for it on his own. I'm so lucky
So now that I'm completely broken there are a few options. Death...hanging maybe? Or...what else really? Slow death from starvation...or hanging. Plenty of nice trees out there. Just need some rope.

You see girls, every once in a while there is a person in your life that you love, more than anything and you take every measure of their faults and you put them aside because well...you love them. Sure you may rant and rave to your friends, say angry things and be mean. In the end, though, you hope to god that all of it will pass and that the world you share with that person will right itself and go back to normal. You hope that they will forgive you like you forgive them and even if they're still angry you know that they love you. Its the kind of love with no delusions. Somehow you know that you and the person you're with are meant to be together. Not just for today, or tomorrow, but for a while yet.
Now I don't know much about love, but I know that its sort of constant. This boy has said and done things that would make any person cry. Me, well I can tell you I've shed more tears than anyone like him deserves of me. He's agreed with me about haw pathetic is is to waste my devotion on him. But here I am again. And again, and...again. What does it take for a person to truly learn to stop loving someone? Harsh words? Admissions of betrayal? Broken trust?
I surely don't know, and this is why I say love is constant. Because...well I still do love him. He's betrayed my trust three times...oh yes I count the time he wasn't talking to me as a betrayal. He has hurt me as deep, if not deeper than my family has. I can't even stand to talk to him unless I'm pretending he was the person I thought he was. And still. Through all of that here I come like a beaten and kicked, but ever loyal dog, limping and whining. Coming back to its temperamental master for more of the same hoping one day I'll get a pat on the head instead of a well placed foot to the chest. Oh yes my girls, he has broken my heart this time. But...I love him. Because I am stupid, truly.
I think the best thing to do is bury myself under a crush of other bodies, never enjoying anything but making my body so reprehensible that eventually I will be only good enough for the streets. Once again forgive the melodrama. One shouldn't let a love drive you to death surely? I don't really...see a light in my tunnel right now girls. I don't feel like things are getting better anymore.

Ah, but you don't care do you girls and boys? All you want are the sordid details so that you too can store them up inside you like precious pointy gems. So that when you want you can press them deep into my skin and laugh. Is there no one here I can trust!
God that admission has really...brought it home. I'm not wort it. I'm a waste of space. Ouch.

I want nothing more than for this to end. So shall I be writing out my will? I'm not of sound mind I don't think. I think I'm well and truly broken, and that wont hold in a court of law. Ah what to do my girls? Oh and you as well A. Please I should love to know how I should end it to please you all. Don't want my readers to be disappointed. Oh no. No...because this blog was never about me or my feelings was it?
It was all about you.