Its been that long has it?

Sorry guys, I know I left you on pins and needles, maybe.

I talked internet boy. Known as 'A' from now on. A and I tried to work it out, not work through it...more like pretend it didn't happen. But I can't do that. I have too much history with him, I had too many feelings. Soon after that day when he emailed me I began to realize that...I hated talking to him now. He was getting really annoying to me. It was his wanting to be better than me at everything. He had to be the worse person, he had to be the strongest, the smartest, the one who abused the most drugs. It wasn't....fun or happy to be around him anymore. I tried to stick it out. Tried to get over my anger and eventual revulsion. But I didn't like ignoring what happened, I didn't like not talking about how to fix us. I didn't like knowing that I was the on hold girlfriend.

So I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk anymore. Suffice to say, he didn't even put up a fight. He just said ok, I'm going to block and delete you then.

Another thing that really....pushed me into this was him always telling me that he wasn't good enough for anyone, that he wasn't worth my feelings or worth my time. He was pushing me away, and it got to the point where I just didn't want to be around him. I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't understand or recognize the person he or I had become.

Since that night, yeah I've missed him, but I haven't txt'd or emailed or anything. I think I want to talk to him sometimes, but I know I truly would hate it. I look at his facebook pic now instead of going to his profile. I know I'm never going to get any sort of answers. Not the ones I want anyway.

I think...I was in love with the idea of him. I think, in real life he wouldn't be a person I looked twice at, or could stay in the same room talking with. It sucks because he acted like such a great guy. Usually, about an hour after I said I didn't want to talk to him anymore I would have freaked and tried to talk to him. I would have regretted it. But I don't regret it now. I want him to come to me if he wants me, because he just laid down and took it up the ass. His actions spoke volumes to me. Where he always said he wanted to be with me no matter what. He never understood that actions speak louder than words.. Its sad that I'm still in that 'I would take you back' stage. Can't wait for that to be over.

So that's over. Sadly, and I wish it had ended differently,

I've gone only one night this week without throwing up at least one meal that I've eaten. I can't stop myself....I'm getting to the stage where it feels good to get it all out. But I also smell everything much more sharply now, and most things smell like grease or barf or dirt. I have to shower constantly and my skin is hating me for it. But....well you all know. Weight going down. I love it.

I've been thinking over my life, and realizing that it is seriously fucked up. Like....who lives the way I do? Who goes through this kind of shit on the regular? I know there are things that are worse than what I've gone through, but I will always be scarred by this. Always be scarred by having to move halfway across the country then deal with an eviction by my mother. Having to live with a family I don't know or understand and feeling so so so alone. Then having one bright ray of hope, who turned out to be a little bitch.
You can wrap a turd in foil but it will still smell like shit. If it looks and smells like shit, it is shit. Ya know. And that's what my life is on the inside. I might go into the military and make money, pay off my loans and bills and get my self in order. But on the inside I will still be depressed, hate my body and think about killing myself everyday. I will still have a fucked up relationship with my family. I will want to disown them. I will still secretly hate all of my friends. I will still want to run in front of speeding cars and get splattered in the most painful way.

I've realized that I just...can't deal with it all. I've really shut down these past few weeks. That's why I haven't been able to post, or haven't been feeling anything hurtful. All I feel is anger sometimes.

I don't cut anymore because the scars are black and ugly. I'm ugly enough without that. The great thing about bulimia, is that you don't have to pretend to eat. When you don't eat people don't notice...or sometimes they do. But you have to pretend to make a sandwich, or pretend to have eaten earlier. With this, people see you eat. And they see you eat tons because you can't help stuffing your face. But they don't see you barf it up later. Its a guilty thing. I'm supposed to be loosing weight, which I am. To outside people however, it must look like I've just given up on that. I'm happy to finally be beating the scale. But that's about it. I'm angry, and I feel despair.
I really needed to vent and I appreciate you being here. Really. I think about you guys who comment everyday and I'm sorry I missed so much. I wish I was a better person, but I just can't get the hang of these social niceties. I'll make sure to leave in my suicide note instructions to inform you that I've died by drinking bleach or something. Don't want you to wonder for too long.

Anyway. I can't sleep so I'm going to watch movies and pretend I'm not a giant fatty blob of self denial and hate.