I have tolerance for physical pain.
But mental? NO thank you. Which is awkward because I've delt with this sort of abuse for years....a decade come December.
My monthly hasn't shown up yet, and I think its making me pay by trying to turn me mad.
Today I ate 320 calories.
Yesterday I made a banana last for 10 minutes.
What happened to the all liquid fast, you say? I'm a failure that's all I can come up with. I haven't been to the gym. I've literally slept all day.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
And its not just me. Everyone seems in a terrible slump. Do you think it's the weather? The changing of the season? Fall was my most favourite season. I don't feel as if I'm enjoying it at all.
We are people who are, not really, so bad. We have dreams, expectations. We love, laugh and cry. But I wonder something.
People say bad things happen to bad people. Well what does society do when bad things happen to go people. They lock them up obviously. Put them away in hospitals, yell at them, force them. I already hate myself, why do I need the whole world to do it as well?
I'm outside sitting on a balcony. Wondering why I haven't jumped. Thinking, well it's to close to the ground for me to properly kill myself. I'm not even going to try.
I would much rather talk about how strong I've been, or the fun I've had. But then I would be lying.
You know what? I need something more substantial that hope. Less illusive, and a much better listener. I crave something deeper than words, stronger than hate, more profound than confidence. I need no where near normal, far flung and cosmic. I don't need lights and sound and action if they're going to pollute my heart.
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2009
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September
(34)
- Back On The Horse
- I am F.A.T.
- Now I remember why I feel like I failed
- Didn't shed a tear.
- Rofl...ironically
- I'll get that far
- Imbalanced
- Bollocks
- Good Sparrow
- Owwwwwiiieee
- Different Strokes
- The Lies?
- And then
- Stop at two
- Not soggy
- Well....today
- Tosser
- Thrill seeker
- Well...
- Still not good enough
- F and U
- Life is about fail.
- Passion
- Allo
- Tricky tricky
- Things....and such
- Mia is back
- Even though....
- Strong Will
- Hot Lanta
- Beacuse I don't take orders from food
- Some stuff
- Bad Sparrow.
- Bitchin'
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September
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3 comments:
You're right, everyone does seem to be down as of late, myself included. But honestly, I think if we can stick it out, it will pass soon enough. I like to think of it this way, however:
We are a unit. A single unit of individuals struggling to get by, and our strength comes from within. Look at all of your devoted readers (followers). If you fall, then all the dominoes are affected. Stay strong for us, so you'll be around as we attempt to do the same for you.
Keep your head up, Sparrow!
No jumping! Unless it's into bed with a hot guy!!
Things do get better, you just have to wait for it.
(epic banana stretching, btw. I'm too much of a piggy to have that much self-control!)
<3!!
For Years I too have looked for something more profound that hope. Like you I have wondered and reasoned with myself as to why I should go on with this exsistance.
It's a sad concept but very few in this world who search for sosmething greater get very far but none the less I wish you all the best.
Then again I think that sometimes we all just need a soft reset buton. So that when it all gets too tough we have that backup plan to pull us through.
I'm often plauged with regret that threatens to dominate me. Sometimes I'll just be stitting down not doing anything much and a harsh memory of some conversation where I felt I should have said something would just pop in my head and just disrupt me. I've learn after a while to just keep telling my self "It's just for now." after all no pain truely lasts forever.
Be strong, love.
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