Life is about fail.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

I really really can't stop. Since I wrote about going to the gym, I haven't been back until yesterday. I stayed for a pathetic 20 minutes because I couldn't bear working out while a guy was there. I got in one lap! ONE! And weight lifting but still! ARGH

Intake: 2 trillion calories(pizza, pizza, pizza, rice, turkey, fat fat fat, eggs, butter, biscuits fat fat fat)

On my way home I looked down and saw how much my thighs jiggle. I wanted to cry. I felt so very very awful. I covered my legs with my jacket and walked the rest of the way slowly.

My mother has high blood pressure. She gave herself a concussion. She's an idiot. Since she found out she had high blood pressure shes: gone to Mcdonald's twice, eaten fried chicken, and made FRIED corn for breakfast. With the fried corn she had cabbage rice and beans and sausage. I almost puked.

So me being the fat ass I am, I tried some of the corn. I want to throw up. I CAN'T STOP EATING.
The monthly mistress is on her way, and I know that is the cause of this. Even after I eat until I'm full, I still want something else 10 minutes later.

WHY?

Bread, sugar, WHITE FLOUR, rice are the devil.

I have resisted those things for so long. But I've eaten so much toast. A loaf and a half it feels like. Tea with sugar. Pasta Pasta Pasta. GOD

Stuffstuffstuffstufffstuff My face.

Through the midst of this I've been taking laxies like candy, because I can't shake the paranoia. The scale wont read right, which is okay because I'm to afraid to get on it anyway. Bloated, Bloated, Bloated.

Depressed.

Next week is no solids. I can't do this anymore. The only things to eat here are meat and bread and pasta. I'm not giving in and I still need to loose 7 pounds. 7 in two weeks.
Ugh I'm stressed beyond relief.

I've got to go to court AGAIN because of the eviction thing. I just want to barf all over the place. I want to sit in a corner and cry and cry and cry.

I wish, so BADLY, that I were someone better. Someone prettier. Someone without a fucked up family.
I have someone who thinks he loves me, and all I can tell myself is 'don't fall for him' because it will end up so horribly. I just know he'll hate me. He's in love with the image of me, my brains, my concepts, my humor and love of gore.
He's never seen my picture. I've seen his and he's soooo gorgeous. I feel like a fat pig. A giggling fat pig.
I'm horrified by the thought of him seeing me.

I'm such a bad human.