So I binged on pumpkin pie. The sad part about that is, the pie tasted like crap..wasn't even worth it.
Purge the pie she said. So I did.
Then went out and ate pizza at a pizza buffet. 4 slices, small pieces, but still 4! Cheesy bread cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers. Water all night. A tiny brownie, 1/4 of a cinnamon bun.
FAIL
Came home, and chilled...felt hungry and resisted. That is...I resisted until 1am. Then I proceeded to stuff my face with peanut butter and crackers.
Nothing to eat today until 2pm. Stuffed myself with half of a vegi-bowl. Which had guac on it. FAT FAT FAT.
More crackers and pb.
WATER WATER WATER.
I've got a small head cold, and it's pissing me off. I don't want to eat for teh rest of the day. I've been really enjoying the rumble of my stomach, and the pain. For some reason though I keep putting things into my mouth.
Tomorrow I go to the recruiting office. I would be the saddest thing if even the military didn't want me.
Last night I had another break down to the internetz boy. I tend to be quite alright with the idea of killing myself. It doesn't bother me, in fact it seems fated to be. But he says no. The world is full of madness, and some times he's the anchor that holds my pieces together, some times he's the chain tangled around my ankle, dragging me into the sea.
I want to spend a lot of time with him, but maybe you guys can understand the fear of relying on someone too much. You never know if they're going to be around in the end, and I'm not one to put myself out there like that. I just want him to understand that he's really close to me, but I'll never let him know everything. I think it's fear of rejection even though he tells me nothing could change his opinion of me. Maybe its embarrassment, he doesn't know what I'm dealing with concerning my mom.
Mostly its because I'm a fatty. I want to be perfect. I want to be thin and toned and beautiful, and as ethereal as a willow tree.
I don't want him to build up an image in his head, of who I am and then I'm a big disappointment. He loves my brain, I want him to love my body too. Because I can't.
Anyway, starting to feel more icky than usual. Going to drink more tea....uuuggghhh
Nothing to eat today until 2pm. Stuffed myself with half of a vegi-bowl. Which had guac on it. FAT FAT FAT.
More crackers and pb.
WATER WATER WATER.
I've got a small head cold, and it's pissing me off. I don't want to eat for teh rest of the day. I've been really enjoying the rumble of my stomach, and the pain. For some reason though I keep putting things into my mouth.
Tomorrow I go to the recruiting office. I would be the saddest thing if even the military didn't want me.
Last night I had another break down to the internetz boy. I tend to be quite alright with the idea of killing myself. It doesn't bother me, in fact it seems fated to be. But he says no. The world is full of madness, and some times he's the anchor that holds my pieces together, some times he's the chain tangled around my ankle, dragging me into the sea.
I want to spend a lot of time with him, but maybe you guys can understand the fear of relying on someone too much. You never know if they're going to be around in the end, and I'm not one to put myself out there like that. I just want him to understand that he's really close to me, but I'll never let him know everything. I think it's fear of rejection even though he tells me nothing could change his opinion of me. Maybe its embarrassment, he doesn't know what I'm dealing with concerning my mom.
Mostly its because I'm a fatty. I want to be perfect. I want to be thin and toned and beautiful, and as ethereal as a willow tree.
I don't want him to build up an image in his head, of who I am and then I'm a big disappointment. He loves my brain, I want him to love my body too. Because I can't.
Anyway, starting to feel more icky than usual. Going to drink more tea....uuuggghhh
2 comments:
Oh goodness, I've been failing at food for the longest time, too! Drink as much water as you can! I'm so convinced that water makes the fat not stick to you after a binge, which is so illogical, but whatever.
And now you have a nutrition surplus so that when you start eating less you'll still have all of the good nutrients in your body.
Don't think that it's fated that you'll kill yourself! I used to think that too until I decided I want to die in a really cool way, and suicide is not cool or interesting. But I know how it is to be 'alright' with the idea of killing yourself, but it's weird to everyone else... well that boy sounds really caring and supportive, and I'm glad that you have him to break down to when you need to! It's so hard not getting attatched when someone seems so there for you. : (
*HUGS!!*
Thank you for the pizza tips!! I'm so going to be using them in future! <3 Feel strong man, I had 6 PIECES!!! D:
Colds suck donkey balls. My uncle's Truckie Hard-Man Cold Remedy is
3 squeezed lemon's worth of juice
1 tablespoon of honey (I use manuka)
Mix it with warm water and CHUUUG!!
It gives you Vit.C and soothes a sore throat.
*Hugs* Hope you feel better soon, Wry!!
<3
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