Well....today

So court wasn't bad. I thought I was going to cry or feel queasy, but I was good. The internetz boy helped me a lot last night. I was feeling extremely suicidal, and he talked me down.

The judge asked me if I agreed that my mom should evict me, and for some reason I said yes. But I only regretted it for 20 mins after. I could have told the judge about the fucked up things that go on. About how I'm the least of my mother's worries considering my brother steals her car keys about three times a month. But....I just don't care anymore. I would have left if I could, left my mom's. Now I have no choice once she gets the papers.

I also realized today, that you can't love someone who doesn't want your love.

So when we left my mom was playing at 'poor me' sniffling and sighing and rubbing her head. I just kept my focus out the window.
I've been ready to go, and I feel like I can do it. I believe it, and I think that's the first step. I can't fail if I don't want to.

I got on the scale and I'm horrified that I'm waffling between two numbers. Though I did eat some mac and cheese last night, there's no way I should have gained a pound again. I really can't trust the scale. I drank some more salt water, ITS AWFUL. So terrible. I want to throw up with the memory of how bad it was. But I get panicky thinking about the food in my body.

I feel icky though.....maybe I'm getting sick? I think so, my screen just suddenly turned pink.

Be strong ladies. I know its hard right now, but it will get better, and you will get stronger thinner prettier. Day by day. Thanks everyone for the support and comments, You guys are my family and I <3 you all.